Post by Dan Hampton on May 25, 2008 16:45:57 GMT -6
The scene opens up on a standard-issue doctor's office. Neutral colored walls, that giant table-thingy in the middle of the room with the waxy paper sheet on it, a jar full of cotton balls next to a jar full of tongue depressors, and a ton of medical equipment hanging on the wall. We see the Anti-Anti-Hero, the Whole Fudgin' Show, and supposedly Golden One Dan Hampton sitting on the table in just a pair of jeans as a shortish, balding man in a lab coat reads through a chart.
Doctor: So, it says here you're a smoker. I don't think I need to tell you about the risks involved in that, especially for someone involved in something so cardiovascularly strenuous as you are.
Dan: Yeah, but at least I'm not drinking 23 beers a day anymore.
Doctor: Touche. Now, strangely enough, when you last wrestled in 2005 you weighed 186 pounds., with about 3.6% body fat. Now-he ruffles through some papers on the clipboard you weigh 196 pounds, with...9.3% body fat.
Awkward silence.
Doctor: ...let's just be thankful you've cut out those beers.
Dan: Jesus, that's embarrassing. You mean, turning vegetarian didn't do anything about that?
Doctor: Well, usually that helps, but it says here on your Patient Information form that your diet consists mainly of alcohol and Taco Bell.
Dan: This is true.
Doctor: Well, there you have it. You're going to need to do a lot of work to get back into fighting shape, Mr. Hampton. And make sure you don't lose the fat at the expense of your muscle mass; then you'll just turn into a thinner, weaker version of yourself.
Dan: Oh, like Omega X?
Awkward silence again.
Doctor: ..yes, well, just take this form and your insurance card up to the nurse's station and they'll be able to help you get out of here.
Dan: So did I pass the physical?
Doctor: Yes, yes. Other than the few things I mentioned, you're in fine shape for a 28 year old. I'll send a copy of this to the ICW head offices as soon as I leave here and play two rounds of golf with a group of balding, fat old white men who smoke cigars. Have a good day.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
A few hours later. Dan is sitting on a couch, a Blue Point Toasted lager in his left hand and a cigarette in his right. The TV room is pretty messy; a ton of white boxes are in a corner in various states of unpackedness. It appears that all the boxes contain are dozens upon dozens of VHS tapes, which are also strewn on the floor in front of the entertainment center across from Dan. The screen is playing an old "Tonight Show with Dan Hampton" skit from 2001, and Hampton has a thin smile on his face as he takes a drag from his stoge. He puts it down in the ashtray and turns to the ever-present camera.
Dan: It's funny...ever since I got that letter from ICW last week I've been going through these boxes, all these tapes, and trying to make up my mind.
Some might say it was made up as soon as I saw who the letter was from...maybe they were right. But sitting here, watching these old shows and promos and vignettes and whatnot, it really just comes rushing back. All the highs and lows...5 world titles in EWA. Getting absolutely destroyed and thrown through an announce table by Vassago. Killing Don "The Death Dealer" Sampson. All the nervous breakdowns and drunken backstage brawls. The love, the hatred, the absolute indifference for anything Andrew Attitude ever did. It's almost overwhelming.
What am I getting at? Well, I don't even know for sure...is there anything left to accomplish? Haven't I done, as they say, it all?
He picks up the cigarette and walks about of the room. The camera follows him as he walks down a hallway to a room we've seen him visit occasionally before...the trophy room.
Dan: So many titles, so many accomplishments. The "Five time, five time, five time, five time, five time, five time" EWA World Champ. LWN InterPostal champ. ICW tag team champs with my sister. Probably more, but Jesus Christ...isn't that enough?
He flicks the light off and leaves the trophy room. Down the hall is a sliding glass door that leads to a patio. He goes out, walks over to a mini-fridge, and grabs another beer. Pops the top and sits down in an Adirondack chair.
Dan: No...it's not. Because as much as I've done, whenever I walked away from it, I felt nothing but emptiness. Whatever I tried to do outside of wrestling - music, entreprenuership, hell, even writing a book--
Flashback to Dan sitting by himself at a table, a stack of books next to him, and a giant cardboard standee of himself holding a book titled Jiggletits McGee: A Children's Story in Three Acts. He looks around for a second, then hangs his head down as he realizes no one is coming.
Dan: --and none of it gave me the same feeling as stepping in that proverbial squared circle and hearing 20,000 people respond to what I was doing.
And there's more to it. Dave Dudley. The man, the myth, the Hardcore Icon. The only man to ever truly push me to my limits. And the one man I owe so, so much to...
And I plan on repaying him. In spades.
Cryptic, no?
WHAT DOES DAN HAVE PLANNED FOR THIS RUN IN ICW?
WHO OF THE "OLD GUARD" OF ICW STARS WILL HE ALIGN HIMSELF WITH?
WHY WAS DAVE DUDLEY THE MITIGATING FACTOR FOR DAN'S RETURN?
WHERE DID DAN GO THE OTHER DAY, AND DID HE REMEMBER TO PICK UP FRESH MILK ON THE WAY BACK?
All these questions, but no more, to be answered on the next episode of MTV's True Life: "I'm A Washed-Up e-fedder!"
kcalbotedaf
Doctor: So, it says here you're a smoker. I don't think I need to tell you about the risks involved in that, especially for someone involved in something so cardiovascularly strenuous as you are.
Dan: Yeah, but at least I'm not drinking 23 beers a day anymore.
Doctor: Touche. Now, strangely enough, when you last wrestled in 2005 you weighed 186 pounds., with about 3.6% body fat. Now-he ruffles through some papers on the clipboard you weigh 196 pounds, with...9.3% body fat.
Awkward silence.
Doctor: ...let's just be thankful you've cut out those beers.
Dan: Jesus, that's embarrassing. You mean, turning vegetarian didn't do anything about that?
Doctor: Well, usually that helps, but it says here on your Patient Information form that your diet consists mainly of alcohol and Taco Bell.
Dan: This is true.
Doctor: Well, there you have it. You're going to need to do a lot of work to get back into fighting shape, Mr. Hampton. And make sure you don't lose the fat at the expense of your muscle mass; then you'll just turn into a thinner, weaker version of yourself.
Dan: Oh, like Omega X?
Awkward silence again.
Doctor: ..yes, well, just take this form and your insurance card up to the nurse's station and they'll be able to help you get out of here.
Dan: So did I pass the physical?
Doctor: Yes, yes. Other than the few things I mentioned, you're in fine shape for a 28 year old. I'll send a copy of this to the ICW head offices as soon as I leave here and play two rounds of golf with a group of balding, fat old white men who smoke cigars. Have a good day.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
A few hours later. Dan is sitting on a couch, a Blue Point Toasted lager in his left hand and a cigarette in his right. The TV room is pretty messy; a ton of white boxes are in a corner in various states of unpackedness. It appears that all the boxes contain are dozens upon dozens of VHS tapes, which are also strewn on the floor in front of the entertainment center across from Dan. The screen is playing an old "Tonight Show with Dan Hampton" skit from 2001, and Hampton has a thin smile on his face as he takes a drag from his stoge. He puts it down in the ashtray and turns to the ever-present camera.
Dan: It's funny...ever since I got that letter from ICW last week I've been going through these boxes, all these tapes, and trying to make up my mind.
Some might say it was made up as soon as I saw who the letter was from...maybe they were right. But sitting here, watching these old shows and promos and vignettes and whatnot, it really just comes rushing back. All the highs and lows...5 world titles in EWA. Getting absolutely destroyed and thrown through an announce table by Vassago. Killing Don "The Death Dealer" Sampson. All the nervous breakdowns and drunken backstage brawls. The love, the hatred, the absolute indifference for anything Andrew Attitude ever did. It's almost overwhelming.
What am I getting at? Well, I don't even know for sure...is there anything left to accomplish? Haven't I done, as they say, it all?
He picks up the cigarette and walks about of the room. The camera follows him as he walks down a hallway to a room we've seen him visit occasionally before...the trophy room.
Dan: So many titles, so many accomplishments. The "Five time, five time, five time, five time, five time, five time" EWA World Champ. LWN InterPostal champ. ICW tag team champs with my sister. Probably more, but Jesus Christ...isn't that enough?
He flicks the light off and leaves the trophy room. Down the hall is a sliding glass door that leads to a patio. He goes out, walks over to a mini-fridge, and grabs another beer. Pops the top and sits down in an Adirondack chair.
Dan: No...it's not. Because as much as I've done, whenever I walked away from it, I felt nothing but emptiness. Whatever I tried to do outside of wrestling - music, entreprenuership, hell, even writing a book--
Flashback to Dan sitting by himself at a table, a stack of books next to him, and a giant cardboard standee of himself holding a book titled Jiggletits McGee: A Children's Story in Three Acts. He looks around for a second, then hangs his head down as he realizes no one is coming.
Dan: --and none of it gave me the same feeling as stepping in that proverbial squared circle and hearing 20,000 people respond to what I was doing.
And there's more to it. Dave Dudley. The man, the myth, the Hardcore Icon. The only man to ever truly push me to my limits. And the one man I owe so, so much to...
And I plan on repaying him. In spades.
Cryptic, no?
WHAT DOES DAN HAVE PLANNED FOR THIS RUN IN ICW?
WHO OF THE "OLD GUARD" OF ICW STARS WILL HE ALIGN HIMSELF WITH?
WHY WAS DAVE DUDLEY THE MITIGATING FACTOR FOR DAN'S RETURN?
WHERE DID DAN GO THE OTHER DAY, AND DID HE REMEMBER TO PICK UP FRESH MILK ON THE WAY BACK?
All these questions, but no more, to be answered on the next episode of MTV's True Life: "I'm A Washed-Up e-fedder!"
kcalbotedaf