Post by Dave Dangerously on May 18, 2008 0:13:04 GMT -6
"Spit" by Kittie plays...
In 1 country...
In 1 language
Coming soon in Ebonics...
To about 15 homes,
Straight up losers 4-life,
100% gay free
No fat chicks allowed,
Insane Championship Wrestling.
The worldwide PINNACLE in Sports-Entertainment.
Highlights from Inferno are shown...the roster split, the gang warefare, Dudley getting shoved through the glass, the main event tag team match..
Then, the Insanity Opener rolls, as "I Wish I Had" by Stroke plays.
The opener is much similar to something like Confidential or...eh, TRL or something probably.
The camera cuts to the ICW studio where Joel Gertner stands ready for your enjoyment...
Joel Gertner: Hello everyone, and welcome to ICW Saturday Night Insanity. Of course, at this late hour, in California, it's still saturday. Blame it on V.I.P. and...Rugby.
Regardless, I am your host, The quintessential Studmuffin, Joel "Put your lipstick on my dipstick, because I am the peeled banana in your fruitbowl of love" Gertner.
And ICW saw a drastic change, on Thursday. No...not the same change ITR underwent, that's entirely something different. ICW basically was divided in two, so Dave Dudley and ScottiePP7 could have their little war.
Well let me tell you something, boys, your war means-...oh...sorry, I'm not supposed to say that? I was just going to run with it...right...right....ok, gotcha.
Anyway, ScottiePP7 sucks a lot, and Dave Dudley owns your souls, so he decided to split the roster so he could take down ScottiePP7 faster than Kim drops her panties when the webcam comes on.
So, now we've got two sides...one loyal to Mr. Dudley, one loyal to Sammy Hagar. Errr, I mean ScottiePP7. The point is, Van Halen sucks without Dave Dudley.
Now, speaking of ScottiePP7, we're going to bring to you at this time...
We WERE going to show footage of Hoyakillah, but the network doesnt allow us to use that much gay porn in one show.
So, instead we bring to you an exclusive interview with ScottiePP7, its THE INSANITY INTERVIEW OF THE WEEK!
Camera cuts to footage of Scottie in action, then it cuts to JR and Scottie sitting, for the interview
Jim Ross: Scott, I'd like to take this time to just say thanks for this exclusive interview.
ScottiePP7: No problem, JR.
JR: Ok first...what made you decide to take a full out frontal assault on ICW, and more importantly, Dave Dudley?
PP7: Well the way I see it, JR...is Dudley's got his grubby little hands wrapped around ICW tightly...and the only way I can take it back is to simply throw a coup, a revolt if you will.
JR: Obviously you underestimated the support Dudley has recieved.
PP7: Yeah well I never underestimated the intelligence of those who sided with Dudley. They have to be complete fools to believe he's going to make this company great again.
JR: Some say Dave Dudley is the most innovative, creative, and brilliant man ever in the business.
PP7: Yeah, that might be true. If so, he's learned from the best.
JR: My next question is...how do you plan on defeating Dudley?
PP7: Well, obviously I have my side. And I'll prove my side is the best, and we'll take out his side, and they'll realize that I'm the true leader. It's all about power.
JR: Well, dont you realize that there MUST be other people trying to get power, other than you?
PP7: Sure, there's hidden agendas and whatnot. But that makes it exciting. See JR...this is probably my last run. And I want to end it as the rightful President of the company I started.
JR: Some would say Dave is the rightful president.
PP7: If Dave Dudley is the rightful President of ICW, then Dennis Rodman would make the best President of the United States.
JR: That's a bold statement.
PP7: As much as Dave Dudley has done for ICW, I regret ever signing his contract. I gave him too much control.
JR: So, you wouldnt have ever signed him, if you could take it back you would?
PP7: Totally. There could have been other stars.
JR: I understand you actually didnt recruit him. CJ, otherwise known as the Hey Kid who was actually the head writer and booker of ICW at the time, recruited him after he got fired from the LWN fed.
PP7: Yeah, but I saw potential with him. After that first night, when he proved himself so much, I knew a star was born...I didnt think twice at the time about giving him his deal. All I wanted was ICW Ratings to go up...and they did. I didnt know he'd be as insane and ego-maniacle as he turned out to be.
JR: He owes a lot of that to EWA...EWA kind of made Dudley snap.
PP7: EWA Changed a lot of people. They were groundbreaking in a sense, but it was LWN-redux. I regret ever co-promoting them during their times of woe. They stole ICW's momentum...
JR: The funny thing is, Dave Dudley carried EWA and ICW simultaneously.
PP7: That's true, he certainly has been sucessful..but now it's time I get what belongs to me...it's been far too long.
camera cuts to Gertner
Gertner: ScottiePP7. A man of few words...that matter. You'll see part two of Scotties interview later on,where he discusses his opinions on the E-Federation World Order. And we'll be right back, suckers. And ladies, that's an invitation.
Commercial break:
Would YOU like a chocolate covered pretzel?
back to tv
Joel Gertner: Welcome back. It's now time for the
INSANITY QUESTION OF THE WEEK!!
Our first question comes from Jesse Jones, of California. He writes:
Dear ICW,
What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Sincerely,
Jesse Jones
Well Jesse, I thank you for your question. First off, let me say I've been to numerous Dyke bars. And let me tell you, they serve the best screwdrivers you can get for 3.50. As far as the ladies there? Well, let's just say they're no Kim. Well, actually they are, because she's been spotted at a lot of dyke bars. Good question, though.
Our next question comes from one Kareem from Cheshire, Connecticut. He writes:
Dear Joel,
This is Kareem from the north, south, east, and WEST KAKAKLALALKAKAKLAKALKALAKALK!
My question is this: being a young Afro-American from Connecticut, I'm concerned with all the negativity towards my fellow brothas. Most notably, my dawg Jim Elmo. But, the hate on him I can see. What really bugs me yo, is why you guys gotta make fun of Kallista so much for? She never did nothin to nobody. I think it's segreracism, man. Kallista is a fine young African sister, what you be dissin her for?
Dearest SHOUT OUTS YO!
K-Diggity
Well, Kareem, I must say I admire your enthusiasm with the ladies. Reminds me of a time I got it on with a fine nubian goddess named Diane Silverhair. She was young, strung, and she used a lot of tongue. She said her new last name was Hagan, and I left her a -Beggin.
Because when I was through with her, she didnt know wether to Urinate, Deficate, or Ejaculate.
But this Kallista chick? Never heard of her.
Thats all the questions we have for this week, remember, send your questions to DaveDudley632@AOL.com , and they'll get on the air next week.
Now, folks, it's time for the debut of the official ICW Rankings.
These rankings are totally unofficial. Even though I just said they were. Point is, they're merely for deciding certain matches, and for entertainment purposes...kinda like how we at ICW use Ms. Cleo!
A few factors are taken into consideration. Win loss record, RP amount, quality, ass kissing, KOs...whatever.
For time purposes, we will only list the top 10. If you arent ranked you just arent ranked. If you're ranked higher than someone else, good for you. Doesnt mean you're better. This is just something fun.
ICW Rankings and Standings
ICW World Heavyweight Champion: Hexane
1. Supa Sky
2. Kayfabe
3. Joseph Johnson
4. Dave Dudley
5. Andrew Leigh
6. ScottiePP7
7. Seamus O'Hagan
8. Simeon
9. Carter Wilson
10. El Bastarde
Next week, win loss records etc. will be implemented.
Now its time for part two of the Scottie interview.
Camera cuts back to JR and Scottie
JR: Now, what are your thoughts on the E-Federation World Order?
PP7: I wipe my ass with the EFWO.
camera cuts to Gertner
Gertner: Riveting, indeed. Such provocative conversation and intrigue can ONLY be found here, in Insane Championship Wrestling. When we come back, you'll be joined by our broadcast team from inside the ICW Arena, for this weeks INSANE MATCH OF THE WEEK! So for all the ladies out there, and one or two of the guys, this is Joel Gertner saying...I may be round like a donut, but take a bite into me, and I'll squirt cream filling into your eye.
Commercial break:
.....
.............
.................You want a snickers commerical?
............
Too bad, because......
YOU'VE BEEN HIT BAD
YOU'VE BEEN STRUCK BY
A SMOOTH CRIMINAL.
The scene opens up in the somewhat sold out ICW Arena in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. As soon as the camera cuts to the wide shot of the arena, a bright, loud and pretty annoying display of pyro (not the old Jeff Watson character) goes off on and around the stage area set up for the wrestler entrances, and the crowd goes pretty apes*hit. The camera swings through the crowd and picks up numerous screaming fans and their ever-witty signs:
"You're only getting one god damn sign."
Then, after the camera is through with its opening pan throughout the arena, it quickly pulls a fancy swivel move down to the announce table set up near ringside, where the focus shifts to Michael Cole and Todd Pettengill.
Michael Cole: We are here tonight in the capital city of Insanity, the greatest city in the overall crappy state of Pennsylvania, the home of ICW, Philadelphia! And tonight, we feature a match up of epic proportions!
Todd Pettengill: That�s right Gorilla, tonight The Smoking Gunns will be taking on The Body Donnas for the coveted WWF Tag Team Titles! What an anticipated bout!
Cole: No, you time-warped idiot, tonight we get to witness the ICW World Champion Hexane take on the man who sold out Scottie PP7 and his faction and took the ruthless Dave Dudley�s side in this war for ICW, Supa Sky!
Almost right after the fag Michael Cole utters his name, Dave Dudley�s theme music, Nine Inch Nail�s "Closer" begins to blare over the ICW Arena�s PA system, and the crowd immediately greets the roar of the music with a cascading of boos and an overall negative reaction for the reigning ICW President and CEO. Dave steps out from behind the entrance curtain, and the boos intensify even more with his actual arrival into the arena.
Pettengill: Here he is, the greatest WWF Commissioner in history, Gorilla Monsoon!!
Cole: Well apparently Dave Dudley feels the need to come out here, God only knows what the hell he actually wants.
Pettengill: He might be making this a Hog Pen Match, we all know that would shift this contest in the favor of The Godwins!
Dudley, dressed in one of his now-accustomed power suits and strutting around on the stage absorbing all the hate, stops in his tracks and brandishes a microphone from one of his pockets, and raises it ready to address the crowd, amidst some booming "ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE" chants, probably piped in since the people in the ICW crowd aren�t organized enough to form an actual chant. Regardless, Dudley digresses.
Dave Dudley: Laying the sarcasm in thick Ah, back here in my own hometown of Philadelphia, and I�m just thrilled to receive such a warm and inviting ovation! Really, I don�t know how to even start thanking you fine folks for greeting me so pleasantly. It really is, just overwhelming. The "ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE" chants intensify, and someone even lobs a cup of beer towards Dudley�s area, he probably is playing CF for the Phillies, because the throw goes off line pathetically Well, actually, I take that back. I know the PERFECT way to start thanking you worthless fans. Why, I�ll just make a few slight modifications to the little match we have going on here tonight!
Cole: What the hell is he going to do that for?
Dave Dudley: Yeah, I think I�ll start by making this a HARDCORE Rules match, where ANYTHING goes. You win by pinfall or submission, anywhere you want and by any means. The prince of Scottie�s little faction, the man posing as World Champion, has yet to witness the sheer ruthlessness and brutality of an ICW Hardcore match, but he�ll get a dose of that starting tonight! Crowd pops, everyone loves Hardcore carnage, even if its Dave Dudley telling them about it
Cole: So this has gone from a non-title regulation one-fall match to an all-out Hardcore brawl!
Pettengill: Hardcore? I don�t know what exactly that is, the use of foreign objects in matches is strictly prohibited in the WWF.
Cole: You�re pathetic, even more pathetic then me, and that�s saying a lot.
Dave Dudley: Oh, but that�s not all. Scottie, and Hexane as well, may have thought that this would just be a one-time, random engagement. But oh, no, they were mistaken. You see, when Supa Sky does in fact beat the s*hit out of Hexane and pin him for the old 1,2,3, he�ll be guaranteeing himself a shot at the ICW World Championship at next week�s edition of Thursday Inferno! Crowd murmurs pretty loudly at this development
Cole: So a little extra added incentive for Dave�s lackey Supa Sky! Things keep getting more interesting in this contest!
Dave Dudley: And folks, I�m not even done yet! To ensure that this match isn�t unfair or judged with a bias, I�m installing my first and most loyal disciple the referee..that�s right, ICW legend. Simeon!
Cole: What the hell?!?! Now that�s just completely unfair, Hexane has to deal with another one of Dudley�s goons besides Supa Sky in the ring with him. Things started off okay stipulation-wise, but now they�ve gone completely downhill.
Black Sabbath�s "Paranoid" begins to play throughout the arena and Simeon steps out onto the stage with Dave Dudley. He�s decked out in street clothes, and he shakes Dudley�s hand and then walks quickly down the ramp, disregarding the boos and jeers he receives from the fans. Simeon slides into the ring, and waits there for the combatants.
Cole: So now Sky gets the luxury of having one of his fellow Team Dudley mates in there with him! It seems like Dudley is trying his hardest to stack the deck against the Champ!
Dave Dudley: Finally, something that I�m sure will please everyone at home watching tonight, wasting their Saturday nights away in their own self-pity. More specifically, all you ugly, smelly, fat, rejects,or, even more specifically, Brian Oxenreider! HAH! All kidding aside, I�m going to be joining ICW�s fine announcing team,whoever they may be, I really don�t know or care.I�ll be joining them at ringside and contributing some color commentary!
Cole: Oh, just f*ucking great. I not only have to deal with a lunatic who thinks he�s in the WWF circa 1994, but now a deranged, insulting, condescending as*shole like Dudley! I�m not getting paid enough to tolerate this s*hit.
Dave Dudley: I really must thank all of you not only for coming, but for being the worst audience ICW has ever put a product out there for. You�re lack of respect for your hometown Hardcore Icon makes me embarrassed to even be from this hellhole of a city! Boos really start to be poured on, now And with that, on with our match!
Dudley puts his microphone back away, and starts his slow walk down the ramp way and towards the announce table. He makes the customary left turn at the part of the ring closest to the ramp, and finally makes it to the announce table. He nods his head in the respective directions of both Styles and Pettengill, then slides behind the table, puts his headset on and takes a seat.
Cole: Well uhh welcome, Dave, nice to have you here with us.
Dudley: It�s Mr. Dudley to you, jackass.
Pettengill: Here he is folks, the owner and chairman of the WWF, Vincent K. McMahon!
Dudley: What the hell is this guy�s problem?
Cole: Just ignore him, he�s a complete idiot. And, gay.
Dudley: Sounds like you were describing yourself there, fuckface.
Cole: Ugh,fair enough.
Rage Against the Machine�s "Snake Charmer" begins to play over the PA system, and the crowd begins to boo once again. After a few seconds, Supa Sky strolls out from behind the curtain, looking pretty pissed off and probably determined. Sky stops a second right at the edge of the stage, and absorbs the boos from the crowd, and then begins to head down the ramp.
Dudley: There he is, folks, the future ICW World Champion himself, the one, the only, Supa F*UCKING Sky!
Pettengill: What a potty mouth! You can�t use that kind of language; kids at home might be watching this edition of WWF Superstars!
Dudley: You know, yo--�..HEY, WHAT THE F*UCK IS THIS S*HIT�.
Dudley is clearly upset about something, and it�s the immediate and unexpected arrival of the ICW World Champion Hexane, who has come out from behind the entrance curtain unexpectedly and unannounced before he was formally introduced! He�s also got the ICW Title unstrapped and loaded, like a weapon, and he�s making a full-out rush up to Sky from behind!
Dudley: GOD DAMNIT, HE CAN�T DO THAT!
Cole: Apparently, he can, and he�s about to do so!
Sky is still heading down the ramp, when he�s stopped dead in his tracks by the outstretched arm of Hexane! Hex spins Sky around, and goes on to knock Sky completely on his back with a devastating shot to the head courtesy of the ICW Title belt! Sky goes down in a heap, and the crowd pops as Hexane tosses aside the ICW Title along with his white lab coat, and continues to go to work on Sky, pummeling the fallen li�l guy with big boots to Sky�s chest! Sky convulses in pain, and Hex grabs a hold of him and begins to drag him down to the ring!
Cole: Hexane taking the early initiative in this match, by a long shot!
Dudley: Yeah, thanks to f*ucking cheating, that no good piece of s*hit. He�s too scared to face Sky the fair way, so he has to ambush him from behind!
Pettengill: The 1,2,3 Kid really taking a beating here at the hands of Savio Vega!
Hexane drags Sky down the ramp and rolls him into the ring, where Simeon tries to help Sky back to his feet and refresh the battered Supa li�l guy. Hexane lingers on the outside, as he flips up the bottom drape covering the under-ring area and looks around searching for a good weapon to use. After a few seconds, he immerges with a fire extinguisher, hose and nozzle-piece and all. Hex has re-immerged from underneath the ring, holding the extinguisher up��.BUT he never sees Supa Sky leaping off the top turnbuckle across the way! Sky extends his feet and delivers a missile dropkick right into the fire extinguisher, which in turn nails Hexane square between the eyes!
Dudley: Whoa, way to go Sky, just like The Hardcore Icon taught him!
Hex tumbles backwards in a heap, and falls hard to the lightly-padded concrete floor on the outside! Sky takes a tumble as well, but he�s tough enough to hop back up immediately following the move. He then reaches under the ring himself, and he pulls out a nice steel chair�.and proceeds to drape it across the fallen body of Hexane. Sky then hops up onto the canvas, turns himself a round��. and, using the top rope as sort of a catapult, does a wicked moonsault onto the steel chair, bringing the real impact down onto the chest of Hexane! Sky goes for the cover, and Simeon hops down out of the ring with the count!
1..
2..
Hexane gets a shoulder up!
Dudley: That idiot isn�t supposed to kick out, damnit. He�s going to die. Be gay, and die and be gay in hell.
Cole: O�..kay, well Supa Sky has taken the offensive, so one little kickout shouldn�t set him too far back, Mr. Dudley.
Dudley: Did I even say you could speak? Remind me to tell Sky to have you shot after this show.
Cole: Damnit, not again�.
Sky looks over at Simeon seeming a little pissed about the speed of the count, but then sets up for a continuation of his onslaught of fury. He reaches over and picks up the now-dented fire extinguisher which he planted into the skull of Hexane earlier, and is ready to use it once again. He smashes the bottom part of it HARD against the skull of Hexane, and then tosses it aside, and goes for yet another pin! Simeon is in position, and ready to make the count!
1...
Not even a 2-count, as Hexane tosses Sky up off him, and rises slowly but surely back to his feet!
Pettengill: Rising from the dead, The Undertaker! No one can stop The Dead Man! What a scary guy!
Dudley: What a f*ucking dork, you are. Hey Todd?
Pettengill: Yes, Mr. McMahon?
Dudley: See, you expected me to say "The d*ick is in YOUR mouth."�, but that joke is so 2 weeks ago. DORK!
Cole: Damnit, did you just come here to badger the two of us honest announcers?!?!
Dudley: Why yes, yes I did. Testify.
Sky is getting frustrated, and now takes a few steps away from Hex and goes for another weapon under the ring, yet again�this time Sky comes away with a wicked-looking Singapore Cane! Sky turns towards Hex, now standing but still a bit drowsy and not fully regaining his strength, and Sky winds up and takes a baseball bat-type hack that would make Li�l Joey McEwing proud��BUT, Hexane blocks the move by grabbing the cane with his big meaty hand, and simply snapping it in half!
Cole: Looks like Sky has to go back to the drawing board, a Singapore Cane is something Hex just swallows and eats for breakfast!
Dudley: Man, it must be a bitch shitting out a whole Singapore Cane. Does it come out in once piece?
Cole: How the heck should I know, I�m not the monitor of Hexane�s bowel movements!
Dudley: You should be, you�d probably enjoy it, since all you can do is eat s*hit. That�s right, and you eat MY s*hit, suck-a-duck.
Sky, in a fit of desperation, tries to deliver a swift kick to Hexane�s knee. The kick connects, but Hexane barely flinches! Sky tries it again! Again, Hexane has a fit of Undertaker-ism, and completely no sells the move! The crowd pops, and now Sky lunges at Hexane! But, Hexane dodges Sky�s rush, and ends up behind Sky, where he locks on a full nelson!�.after a moment of just holding Sky in the move, Hexane lifts Sky up off his feet, releases with one arm, and brings Sky crashing to the concrete floor head-first with a full nelson into a wicked DDT!
Cole: MY GOODNESS, what a move by Hexane! He might have just completely knocked Sky out!
Dudley: Damnit, what the hell is going on here. Sky is getting screwed.
Hexane flips Sky over onto his back, and goes for the pin!���.. BUT, Simeon refuses to count!
Cole: DAMN that Simeon! He�s completely costing Hexane the match here!
Dudley: What, can�t you see, he�s got something in his eye. These types of things happen all the time!
Hexane, livid with the lack of a count, backs away from the fallen body of Sky and heads to find out where Simeon is. As he turns around, though, Simeon is ready and waiting with a garbage can lid he presumably found under the ring!�. Simeon cracks Hexane right in the mouth with the back part of a steel garbage can lid!
Cole: Damnit! THIS is completely unfair! Simeon, supposedly the referee here, just knocked out Hexane!
Hex goes down hard, and Simeon continues to pummel the guy, laying into him with wicked boots to the chest and midsection!
Pettengill: The Goon really laying into IRS with a wicked variety of martial arts-style kicks!
Cole: This is completely un--�..HEY, WAIT JUST A MINUTE! Hex isn�t completely lost JUST YET! LOOK UP THE RAMP!
Right on cue, Hexane�s tag team partner (?) Kayfabe comes rushing down the entrance ramp, carrying a bottle of Miller-brand beer in one hand and a baseball bat in the other! Kay rushes down right to where Simeon is beating on his fallen partner, and he absolutely blindsides Simeon, shattering his bottle of Miller Lite right across the back of Simeon�s head, sending him crashing down to the floor in a complete heap!!!! The crowd pops [/b]
Cole: Hexane and Kayfabe have had some problems over the past few weeks, and there�s been a little rift throughout the team, but I don�t see that here tonight!
Dudley: Damnit, something needs to be done about this! F*ucking Kayfabe, I swear to f*ucking God��
Dudley�s voice trails off, and the camera pans from where Kay is helping his fallen partner back to his feet, to a shot of the announce table, where Dudley has gotten up out of his chair, and thrown his headset onto the table in disgust, and has taken off in a full sprint towards Hexane and Kayfabe! Kay is pulling Hex back to his feet, but by the vicious and abrupt crowd reaction, he suspects someone coming from behind! He pulls himself up, and swivels around, just to see Dudley extending an arm with an attempted clothesline attempt!��.and Kay is able to block it! Kay then responds with a ridiculous baseball bat knob to the gut of Dudley, who doubles over and stumbles forward towards Kay! Kay then grabs a hold of Dudley, hooks him��
Cole: UH oh, look out, MR. Dudley!
��..and brings him crashing down head-first, onto the broken glass that resulted in Kay smashing a beer bottle across Simeon�s head!!!!!!!! A wicked KDT right onto a blanket of broken glass!!!!!!
Pettengill: OH dear God, Spark Plug Holly may have just been killed! He was a race car driver once, you know!
Cole: MY GOD, Dave Dudley just got impaled onto a bed of BROKEN GLASS! RUTHLESS AGGRESSION!
Pettengill: Ruthless Aggression is just stupid, okay? Not even I would stoop to such a dumb way of describing something.
Cole: Huh? You just broke character.
Pettengill: Err�..Big Daddy Cool! The Diesel! Yeah!
Dudley, Simeon and Sky are still down and collectively out, although Sky is starting to regain consciousness a bit. Hexane has fully recovered, and he and Kayfabe now meet eye-to-eye. Kay drops the baseball bat next to the fallen Dudley and Simeon, and reaches out his hand!��Hexane looks down at it, and the two shake, to a big pop from the Philly crowd!
Cole: Whatever problems they were having earlier this week, it seems like they�ve patched things up here, that�s for sure!
The two men finish their handshake, and Kayfabe turns and heads up the ramp, to a big pop from the crowd! Hexane watches him walk up, and then reaches down and pulls Supa Sky, who was just beginning to get back to his feet, fully up, and tosses him into the ring!
Cole: Looks like Hexane is ready to finish this thing once and for all! The champ is back in charge!
Pettengill: Scott Baio is here?
Cole: What?
Pettengill: Didn�t you just mention the current hottest TV show, Charles In Charge?
Cole: Uh�.no.
Pettengill: CHARLESSSS IN CHARGE, OF OUR DAYS�..AND OUR NIGHTS!
Cole: Seems like Charles was a controlling Neo-Nazi.
Pettengill: What, he was the President of EFWO?
Cole: BONGGGGG. Man, you know your company sucks when Todd Pettengill is making jokes about you.
Back in the ring, a recovering Sky makes a desperation run at Hexane to try and regain some of his lost momentum��.but Hex just answers Sky with a wicked, stiff big boot right to the smaller Sky�s face, sending Sky down! Hex isn�t going to stop though, as he pulls Sky up off the mat once again! This time, though, Hex hooks Sky, and lifts him up into a Fireman�s Carry!
Cole: Sky is a definite precarious position! The only place from here is down, down down and even further down!
Hex holds Sky up there for, and then to the delight of the crowd brings him crashing down face-first out of the Fireman�s Carry, down hard onto the mat! (Note: called F5 by the WWE, but Brock Lesnar is a fag and doesn�t deserve a special move all his own) Sky bounces up a bit off the mat, and Hex seemingly has the thing all rapped up, as Sky is barely moving!
Cole: Hexane just landed the F5! This thing is all over!
Pettengill: Didn�t you hear what the man just said? It�s not the F5, because someone named Brock Lesnar is gay.
Hexane struts around the ring for a moment, and then signals to the crowd that he�s going to finish this thing. The crowd, in turn, pops of course. So, Hexane heads over to the fallen and unmoving Sky, and goes and locks on��his version of the Rings of Saturn, which he calls, quite cleverly The Rings of Hexane!!!!!!
Cole: He�s got his move locked in! The Rings of Hexane! Right in the center of the ring!!!!
Pettengill: Bob Backlund has that vicious Chicken Wing locked right on! I hope you�re voting for him, in his run for a seat in Congress! OR ELSE!
Sky isn�t even moving! He hasn�t even flinched since Hexane locked on the move, so he should be subject to the mandatory 3-count to test if the match will continue�� BUT there�s no referee, since Simeon got knocked out by Kayfabe!
Cole: DAMNIT! Simeon had to go and get involved in this match, and now that he�s knocked out, there�s no ref!
Hexane looks around, still having the move locked on�.and realizes that the ref is gone! He starts shouting for Simeon, but he�s not even moved since he got hit with that beer bottle via Kayfabe! However, just when Hexane is about to break the hold and try and summon Simeon (nice short alliteration), senior referee Earl Hebner comes rumbling down the ramp!
Cole: Here we go! The ever-consistent Earl Hebner is making his way to the ring to administer the mandatory 3-count! Thank God, Hex will win this thing!
Hebner gingerly slides into the ring, and heads right over to where Hex has Sky locked up! He first warns the timekeeper to get the bell ready to be rung at 3! Then, without hesitation, he drops on his belly and goes to raise Sky�s�.foot, since his arm is all locked up by the move�..so, here we go�.
1, Sky�s foot fell to the mat!!!!!!
2..AGAIN!..once more!
3!!!!----..
NO! Simeon, coming from virtually out of nowhere, dove into the ring and pulled Hebner away at the VERY last second, not allowing him to signal for the bell, even though Sky�s foot landed without resistance!
Cole: DAMNIT! DAMNIT! THIS MATCH IS OVER! That damn Simeon!
On the outside, Simeon absolutely CLOBBERS Hebner, sending him flopping down to the mat in a complete heap! Simeon, now sporting a brand-new open and bleeding gash on the side of his head, reaches down and lifts up the baseball bat Kay used to nail Dudley. Simeon then slides into the ring��heads over to where Hex is still holding Sky in the move��. AND CLOBBERS HIM UPSIDE THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WITH THE BASEBALL BAT!!!!!
Pettengill: Wow, MVP really put a drive into that one!
Cole: DAMN SIMEON!
Hexane flops to the mat, in an unconscious heap! Simeon goes over to the fallen Sky, and tries to rejuvenate him by smacking him in the face and shaking him around and what not�..it takes a while, and Sky finally gets close to coming too. Simeon backs off and allows Sky to turtle around on the mat for a few moments, still trying to regain his senses�..finally, Sky begins to crawl towards the fallen Hexane�..he�s about to drape his arm across for a pin���..
Cole: NO! NO DAMNIT NO! SKY IS BEING HANDED A VICTORY, DAMNIT!
��.just as he�s about to lay his arm across Hexane, the crowd begins to pop bigtime���
Pettengill: Here comes Public Enemy to save the day! Yes! Yes!
Cole: NO, THAT�S NOT PUBLIC ENEMY! THAT�S SCOTTIE PP7 DAMNIT! AND HE�S GOT COMPANY!
�..the crowd was popping for, of course, Scottie PP7 and Andrew Leigh, who have come rushing out from the back and are bringing it full-speed down the ramp and into the ring, just as Sky drapes his arm across Hexane!!!! Simeon begins to count!
1...
2...
Leigh and Scottie arrive just in time, and pull Simeon the f*uck off the fallen Hexane! Scottie and Leigh go to work on him, laying in to him with simultaneous, respective left and right hands, causing Simeon to bounce back and forth between the two! Finally, after this goes on for a few moments, Scottie absolutely decks him with a standing clothesline!!!
Cole: OH YEAH! SUCK ON THAT, SIMEON!
Pettengill: Papa Shango cleans house! Oh yes! The VOODOO MON!
Scottie has his back turned, and Sky is now up on his feet and making a mad dash towards Scottie��..BUT, Andrew Leigh intervenes, and cuts Sky off with a badass jumping dropkick! Sky goes barreling back into the ropes, and comes bouncing off like a slingshot�..RIGHT into Leigh�s grasp, where he hooks him, and lifts him up onto his shoulder!�..AND brings him crashing down with the Introducing the Metric System In Time face-first powerbomb!!!!!!
Cole: AND SKY IS DOWN! Leigh and Scottie have cleaned house!
Leigh and Scottie look at each other, nod acceptingly and feeling like they�ve done their job, head out of the ring together, and begin to walk up the ramp! They walk past Dave Dudley, who is still laying on the ground, for an abnormally long time, blood visibly trickling down his face as a result of having shards of glass in his head��
Pettengill: The Smoking Gunns really did a number on The Body Donnas here tonight, my goodness!
Cole: Leigh and Scottie show their team solidarity, that�s for��wait, what the hell is that?!?
Cole is referring to the camera shot which is currently in effect�one from the edge of the ring, where the backs of Leigh and Scottie are visible walking up the ramp��
But, there�s also something else�..a shadowy figure has stepped out from the entrance curtain��Leigh and Scottie are immersed in conversation and have yet to notice him��.the figure has now stepped out fully onto the stage, and is standing right in the open and right in the path of both Leigh and Scottie��the camera is yet to make a direct zoom-in shot of him, and there is no direct light on his face��.
Cole: Who the hell is that now?!?!?! What the hell is he doing, just standing at the top of the stage?!?!?!
��.Scottie and Leigh finally reach the top of the stage, and they both, almost simultaneously look up��.the camera is not facing the mystery guy, but is instead looking directly and Scottie and Leigh, who, upon looking up�..both have a change in expression��.Scottie looks like he just saw a ghost����Leigh looks pissed as hell���Scottie is unmoving, and just sort of stares at the unknown, unrevealed person in complete wide-eyed amazement��
Cole: WHO THE HELL IS THAT, Scottie looks like he just saw a ghost!
Pettengill: IT�s..IT�s..IT�s...
...finally, the camera begins to swerve...and it turns slowly, and zooms in on...
The face of..
Of...
Nonz?...no, wait, this isn�t LWN circa 1999...
...Hoyakillah?...no, wait, this isn�t EFWO, we�re not gay enough and we don�t accept meaningless shoot posts that are supposed to be badass but flat out suck...
No, it�s...
JEFF F*UCKING WATSON!
Cole: OH MY GOD! DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! IT�S...JEFF WATSON!
Pettengill: RAZOR RAMON AND DIESEL ARE BACK! THEY�RE BACK!
The crowd goes f*ucking apes*hit, as Scottie continues to stare in utter f*ucking amazement...at former ICW star..no, not star... former ICW LEGEND Jeff Watson!
Cole: MY SWEET STARS I NEVER SAW HIM COMING BACK! WHAT A SHOCKER! NOT EVEN MISS CLEO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS!
Pettengill: He hasn�t even done anything yet, calm down you maniac.
Now, after the crowd has flipped out in amazement, and the camera has soaked in the image of Jeff Watson pretty much completely...Scottie finally kicks out of his trance. Andrew Leigh, ready to attack the guy he had run-ins with in the past in ICW and never really liked, is ready to jolt forward and throw down BUT, Scottie calmly extends his arm and guards him�.and then begins to start talking to Watson�..the camera is close enough to the area to pick up the dialogue�.
Scottie PP7: Frantically, sounding desperate and pretty shocked...Look man, it�s great to have you back...but, you�ve got to be on my side here, right?! I mean, you NEVER liked Dudley...NEVER...right?!?!?!
Watson continues to just look back, calmly without any real expression or distress or anything on his face�..as Scottie continues to plead with him about being on his side and not liking Dudley and wanting to take ICW back, etc��..Scottie begins to lose patience with the fact that Watson has basically nothing to say��
Scottie PP7: GOD DAMNIT! SAY SOMETHING YOU F*UCK! I�M SCOTTIE PP7, DAMNIT, DON�T JUST F*UCKING STAND THERE!
Watson continues to grin, and just kinda look at Scottie
and then, out of f*ucking nowhere
throws a mean right hand to Andrew Leigh, sending him reeling, but just enticing him to start brawling! Watson and Leigh start to exchange lefts and rights, and eventually Watson gets the edge!
Cole: DAMN WATSON, WHAT THE HELL! He�s going right after Leigh! What the hell is Scottie doing?!?!
Watson now has started to send Leigh staggering back down the ramp! Scottie has yet to get involved and help his partner in crime Leigh, but has sort of wearily and almost methodically began to drift backwards toward the ring, just watching Watson lay into his friend Andrew Leigh! Watson finally actually knocks Leigh down HARD to the floor with a series of knees and kicks to the gut followed by a wicked scissors kick right to the back of Leigh�s head!
Pettengill: Aldo Montoya, The Portugese Man-O-War, really laying a beating her! This is amazing!
Cole: NO DAMNIT, IT�S TERRIBLE!
Watson now changes his focus, from the fallen and pretty much disposed-of Leigh to Scottie, who has continued to drift back towards the ring�..just sort of blankly staring in amazement and shock at Watson�..Watson starts to grin as Scottie stops dead in his tracks... AND FROM BEHIND, Dave Dudley CLOBBERS SCOTTIE WITH A RIDICULOUS CHAIR SHOT TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!!!!! Scottie stumbles forward, where Watson then pushes him back towards Dudley, who tosses the chair aside!
Cole: OH NO! NO GOD DAMNIT! NO!
Dudley tosses Scottie up. AND THEN BOOM! THE 4D!!!!! DAVE DUDLEY DEATH DROP!!!![/i]
Pettengill: Ahmed Johnson delivers the ultimate Pearl River Plunge!!!!
Scottie is OUT! Dudley gets up, brushes his power suit off, and looks up to Jeff Watson... and a big s*hit-eating grin comes across his bloodied face!!! He reaches out his hand...and he and Jeff Watson shake!!!!!!
Cole: NO! Watson is aligned with Dudley! This makes sense, THAT�S THE TRUMP CARD DUDLEY WAS TALKING ABOUT! DAMN HIM! F*UCK!
Pettengill: You can�t say that!
Cole: I JUST DID!
Dudley and Watson then proceed to start beating the living s*hit out of the now-fallen duo of Andrew Leigh and Scottie PP7! The camera follows the beatdown for a moment, but then shifts back to inside the ring�..where Hexane has just recovered to his feet after getting nailed in the back of his head with a bat earlier , and tries to make a run towards Watson and Dudley to stop them��..BUT he�s cut off by the also-recovering Simeon, who pulls him back towards the ring��.where SKY grabs a hold of his neck�. rushes towards the turnbuckle, hops up onto it, AND DELIVERS HIS Overfloater ACID DROP!!!
Cole: DAMN! Sky and Simeon again combine to do a number on Hexane!!!
Sky and Simeon now converge mid ring, and decide to go and start beating down on the fallen Hexane! Sky stomps a hole in his chest and midsection, as Simeon reaches for the bat he just previously used on Hex and decides to use it again, this time drilling him in the chest!!!! This beatdown on Hex continues for another few moments��
Cole: GOD DAMN! CARNAGE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF THE RING! WATSON AND DUDLEY CONTINUE TO PUMMEL LEIGH AND SCOTTIE ON THE OUTSIDE!
��.Simeon and Sky continue the beatdown, but the crowd begins to murmur��.and someone is seen rushing through the crowd! The man comes through the crowd, through the mass of humanity in the ICW Arena�..and hops the guard rail, escaping ICW Security and diving into the ring...it�s...it�s
Cole: WAIT! That�s Seamus O�Hagan! Business is about to pick up! The County Cork Castrator!
Seamus is all pumped up and Irish and drunk and what not, and he�s got a f*ucking pint of Guinness in one hand and a god damn STOP Sign in the other! He draws the attention of Sky first, who breaks away from Hex and rushes him�..BOOM, STOP SIGN SHOT TO THE FACE! Down goes Sky!
Cole: OH HELL YES!
Now, Simeon sees Seamus� presence, and he rushes at him! Seamus quickly tosses Simeon the pint of Guinness...Simeon catches it, BUT THEN GETS DRILLED WITH THE STOP SIGN! Simeon stumbles back, and Seamus drops the sign...Simeon bounces off the ropes, and right into Seamus� grasp!��
Pettengill: Things don�t look good for Papa Shango!
Seamus hooks Simeon�� IRISH CAR BOMB, ONTO THE STOP SIGN! The crowd pops big!!!!!! Seamus bounces up, looks down at the fallen carcasses of both Simeon and Sky, and hocks a collectively loogey and spits on the both of him!!!!��.
BUT, coming charging down the ramp, past where Dudley and Watson are pre-occupied beating on Leigh and Scottie...is Carter Wilson!
Cole: What the?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!
Carter Wilson rushes into the ring, and comes up behind Seamus!Seamus never even sees him coming, but Carter spins him around, kicks him square in the, shall we say, groin area, which is even worse since he�s Irish and isn�t as well..endowed�..
Pettengill: My goodness. I thought Seamus was the one that castrated people!
Cole: You stole my line.
Seamus is doubled over in serious pain�.. AND Carter Wilson hooks him..and brings him crashing down with the MAIN OFFENDER cradle brainbuster!!! The crowd boos pretty lustily, as Carter is all set to leave the ring...BUT FROM BEHIND, IT�S HEXANE!
Cole: WAIT A MINUTE! They forgot about Hexane! Oh YES!
Hex is up behind Carter Wilson, and he grabs a hold of him�. Reverse Russian Leg Sweep, which he calls The AAD!!!! The crowd pops, and Wilson is down and out!!!!
Cole: YES! Wait, look�..Earl Hebner is back in the ring! HE�S BACK! The actual ref!
Hex turns, and sees the carnage�.Seamus, Simeon, Sky, and now Carter Wilson, but he heads over to Sky anyway... AND LOCKS ON THE RINGS OF HEXANE FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!! Earl Hebner, now alert and not getting f*ucked with by anyone, slides down, to see if Sky is going to tap!��.
AND HE DOES! SKY FLAILS HIS HOOKED HANDS AND NODS HIS HEAD YES, HE TAPS OUT!!!!
Winner, via submission, Hexane!!!!!!!
Cole: YES! YES! YES! Hexane pulled it out! What a victory! After all tha--�..WAIT A MINUTE, DAMNIT! NO, LOOK OUT HEXANE!!
From behind, the celebrating Hexane is unable to turn around��..as Jeff Watson and Dave Dudley AMBUSH him, and take him down completely!!! Watson and Dudley just beating the living daylights out of Hex, with numerous kicks, punches, leg drops, fist drops, running leg drops�.you name it, they laid it on Hexane!
Cole: DAMNIT! ISN�T THERE ANYONE LEFT?!?! SOMEONE?!?! ANYONE?!?!?!
The camera focuses on Watson and Dudley, who continue to pummel Hexane in the ring,but then cuts away, away from the ring altogether,and to a shot of Kayfabe, who was earlier out there helping Hexane...Kay is standing backstage, looking down at a monitor and just watching his partner get destroyed by Watson and Dudley! The camera picks him up�..
Kayfabe: God damn it, Hex, I can�t be fighting all your battles for you. You got yourself into that damn mess, you can get yourself out!
He throws up his hands in disgust, and then walks away from the monitor, and out of sight completely�..The action shifts back to the ring, where Dudley and Watson have seemingly finished their demolition of Scottie�s team��..they stand mid-ring, and raise each other�s arms in a victorious manner�..
Cole: DAMN KAYFABE! I THOUGHT HE AND HEX PATCHED THINGS UP! JESUS H. CHRIST, JEFF WATSON IS BACK IN ICW! AND HE�S ALIGNED WITH DAVE DUDLEY, AND THEY�VE BOTH COMPLETELY DEMOLISHED SCOTTIE PP7 AND HIS TEAM! UN F*UCKING REAL!
Pettengill: You�re too excited.
Cole: WE�RE OUT OF TIME! WE�LL SEE YOU ON MAYHEM, DAMNIT!
The last shot of the night is of Watson and Dudley, standing mid ring...and then the show goes black.
End Transmission
In 1 country...
In 1 language
Coming soon in Ebonics...
To about 15 homes,
Straight up losers 4-life,
100% gay free
No fat chicks allowed,
Insane Championship Wrestling.
The worldwide PINNACLE in Sports-Entertainment.
Highlights from Inferno are shown...the roster split, the gang warefare, Dudley getting shoved through the glass, the main event tag team match..
Then, the Insanity Opener rolls, as "I Wish I Had" by Stroke plays.
The opener is much similar to something like Confidential or...eh, TRL or something probably.
The camera cuts to the ICW studio where Joel Gertner stands ready for your enjoyment...
Joel Gertner: Hello everyone, and welcome to ICW Saturday Night Insanity. Of course, at this late hour, in California, it's still saturday. Blame it on V.I.P. and...Rugby.
Regardless, I am your host, The quintessential Studmuffin, Joel "Put your lipstick on my dipstick, because I am the peeled banana in your fruitbowl of love" Gertner.
And ICW saw a drastic change, on Thursday. No...not the same change ITR underwent, that's entirely something different. ICW basically was divided in two, so Dave Dudley and ScottiePP7 could have their little war.
Well let me tell you something, boys, your war means-...oh...sorry, I'm not supposed to say that? I was just going to run with it...right...right....ok, gotcha.
Anyway, ScottiePP7 sucks a lot, and Dave Dudley owns your souls, so he decided to split the roster so he could take down ScottiePP7 faster than Kim drops her panties when the webcam comes on.
So, now we've got two sides...one loyal to Mr. Dudley, one loyal to Sammy Hagar. Errr, I mean ScottiePP7. The point is, Van Halen sucks without Dave Dudley.
Now, speaking of ScottiePP7, we're going to bring to you at this time...
We WERE going to show footage of Hoyakillah, but the network doesnt allow us to use that much gay porn in one show.
So, instead we bring to you an exclusive interview with ScottiePP7, its THE INSANITY INTERVIEW OF THE WEEK!
Camera cuts to footage of Scottie in action, then it cuts to JR and Scottie sitting, for the interview
Jim Ross: Scott, I'd like to take this time to just say thanks for this exclusive interview.
ScottiePP7: No problem, JR.
JR: Ok first...what made you decide to take a full out frontal assault on ICW, and more importantly, Dave Dudley?
PP7: Well the way I see it, JR...is Dudley's got his grubby little hands wrapped around ICW tightly...and the only way I can take it back is to simply throw a coup, a revolt if you will.
JR: Obviously you underestimated the support Dudley has recieved.
PP7: Yeah well I never underestimated the intelligence of those who sided with Dudley. They have to be complete fools to believe he's going to make this company great again.
JR: Some say Dave Dudley is the most innovative, creative, and brilliant man ever in the business.
PP7: Yeah, that might be true. If so, he's learned from the best.
JR: My next question is...how do you plan on defeating Dudley?
PP7: Well, obviously I have my side. And I'll prove my side is the best, and we'll take out his side, and they'll realize that I'm the true leader. It's all about power.
JR: Well, dont you realize that there MUST be other people trying to get power, other than you?
PP7: Sure, there's hidden agendas and whatnot. But that makes it exciting. See JR...this is probably my last run. And I want to end it as the rightful President of the company I started.
JR: Some would say Dave is the rightful president.
PP7: If Dave Dudley is the rightful President of ICW, then Dennis Rodman would make the best President of the United States.
JR: That's a bold statement.
PP7: As much as Dave Dudley has done for ICW, I regret ever signing his contract. I gave him too much control.
JR: So, you wouldnt have ever signed him, if you could take it back you would?
PP7: Totally. There could have been other stars.
JR: I understand you actually didnt recruit him. CJ, otherwise known as the Hey Kid who was actually the head writer and booker of ICW at the time, recruited him after he got fired from the LWN fed.
PP7: Yeah, but I saw potential with him. After that first night, when he proved himself so much, I knew a star was born...I didnt think twice at the time about giving him his deal. All I wanted was ICW Ratings to go up...and they did. I didnt know he'd be as insane and ego-maniacle as he turned out to be.
JR: He owes a lot of that to EWA...EWA kind of made Dudley snap.
PP7: EWA Changed a lot of people. They were groundbreaking in a sense, but it was LWN-redux. I regret ever co-promoting them during their times of woe. They stole ICW's momentum...
JR: The funny thing is, Dave Dudley carried EWA and ICW simultaneously.
PP7: That's true, he certainly has been sucessful..but now it's time I get what belongs to me...it's been far too long.
camera cuts to Gertner
Gertner: ScottiePP7. A man of few words...that matter. You'll see part two of Scotties interview later on,where he discusses his opinions on the E-Federation World Order. And we'll be right back, suckers. And ladies, that's an invitation.
Commercial break:
Would YOU like a chocolate covered pretzel?
back to tv
Joel Gertner: Welcome back. It's now time for the
INSANITY QUESTION OF THE WEEK!!
Our first question comes from Jesse Jones, of California. He writes:
Dear ICW,
What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Sincerely,
Jesse Jones
Well Jesse, I thank you for your question. First off, let me say I've been to numerous Dyke bars. And let me tell you, they serve the best screwdrivers you can get for 3.50. As far as the ladies there? Well, let's just say they're no Kim. Well, actually they are, because she's been spotted at a lot of dyke bars. Good question, though.
Our next question comes from one Kareem from Cheshire, Connecticut. He writes:
Dear Joel,
This is Kareem from the north, south, east, and WEST KAKAKLALALKAKAKLAKALKALAKALK!
My question is this: being a young Afro-American from Connecticut, I'm concerned with all the negativity towards my fellow brothas. Most notably, my dawg Jim Elmo. But, the hate on him I can see. What really bugs me yo, is why you guys gotta make fun of Kallista so much for? She never did nothin to nobody. I think it's segreracism, man. Kallista is a fine young African sister, what you be dissin her for?
Dearest SHOUT OUTS YO!
K-Diggity
Well, Kareem, I must say I admire your enthusiasm with the ladies. Reminds me of a time I got it on with a fine nubian goddess named Diane Silverhair. She was young, strung, and she used a lot of tongue. She said her new last name was Hagan, and I left her a -Beggin.
Because when I was through with her, she didnt know wether to Urinate, Deficate, or Ejaculate.
But this Kallista chick? Never heard of her.
Thats all the questions we have for this week, remember, send your questions to DaveDudley632@AOL.com , and they'll get on the air next week.
Now, folks, it's time for the debut of the official ICW Rankings.
These rankings are totally unofficial. Even though I just said they were. Point is, they're merely for deciding certain matches, and for entertainment purposes...kinda like how we at ICW use Ms. Cleo!
A few factors are taken into consideration. Win loss record, RP amount, quality, ass kissing, KOs...whatever.
For time purposes, we will only list the top 10. If you arent ranked you just arent ranked. If you're ranked higher than someone else, good for you. Doesnt mean you're better. This is just something fun.
ICW Rankings and Standings
ICW World Heavyweight Champion: Hexane
1. Supa Sky
2. Kayfabe
3. Joseph Johnson
4. Dave Dudley
5. Andrew Leigh
6. ScottiePP7
7. Seamus O'Hagan
8. Simeon
9. Carter Wilson
10. El Bastarde
Next week, win loss records etc. will be implemented.
Now its time for part two of the Scottie interview.
Camera cuts back to JR and Scottie
JR: Now, what are your thoughts on the E-Federation World Order?
PP7: I wipe my ass with the EFWO.
camera cuts to Gertner
Gertner: Riveting, indeed. Such provocative conversation and intrigue can ONLY be found here, in Insane Championship Wrestling. When we come back, you'll be joined by our broadcast team from inside the ICW Arena, for this weeks INSANE MATCH OF THE WEEK! So for all the ladies out there, and one or two of the guys, this is Joel Gertner saying...I may be round like a donut, but take a bite into me, and I'll squirt cream filling into your eye.
Commercial break:
.....
.............
.................You want a snickers commerical?
............
Too bad, because......
YOU'VE BEEN HIT BAD
YOU'VE BEEN STRUCK BY
A SMOOTH CRIMINAL.
The scene opens up in the somewhat sold out ICW Arena in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. As soon as the camera cuts to the wide shot of the arena, a bright, loud and pretty annoying display of pyro (not the old Jeff Watson character) goes off on and around the stage area set up for the wrestler entrances, and the crowd goes pretty apes*hit. The camera swings through the crowd and picks up numerous screaming fans and their ever-witty signs:
"You're only getting one god damn sign."
Then, after the camera is through with its opening pan throughout the arena, it quickly pulls a fancy swivel move down to the announce table set up near ringside, where the focus shifts to Michael Cole and Todd Pettengill.
Michael Cole: We are here tonight in the capital city of Insanity, the greatest city in the overall crappy state of Pennsylvania, the home of ICW, Philadelphia! And tonight, we feature a match up of epic proportions!
Todd Pettengill: That�s right Gorilla, tonight The Smoking Gunns will be taking on The Body Donnas for the coveted WWF Tag Team Titles! What an anticipated bout!
Cole: No, you time-warped idiot, tonight we get to witness the ICW World Champion Hexane take on the man who sold out Scottie PP7 and his faction and took the ruthless Dave Dudley�s side in this war for ICW, Supa Sky!
Almost right after the fag Michael Cole utters his name, Dave Dudley�s theme music, Nine Inch Nail�s "Closer" begins to blare over the ICW Arena�s PA system, and the crowd immediately greets the roar of the music with a cascading of boos and an overall negative reaction for the reigning ICW President and CEO. Dave steps out from behind the entrance curtain, and the boos intensify even more with his actual arrival into the arena.
Pettengill: Here he is, the greatest WWF Commissioner in history, Gorilla Monsoon!!
Cole: Well apparently Dave Dudley feels the need to come out here, God only knows what the hell he actually wants.
Pettengill: He might be making this a Hog Pen Match, we all know that would shift this contest in the favor of The Godwins!
Dudley, dressed in one of his now-accustomed power suits and strutting around on the stage absorbing all the hate, stops in his tracks and brandishes a microphone from one of his pockets, and raises it ready to address the crowd, amidst some booming "ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE" chants, probably piped in since the people in the ICW crowd aren�t organized enough to form an actual chant. Regardless, Dudley digresses.
Dave Dudley: Laying the sarcasm in thick Ah, back here in my own hometown of Philadelphia, and I�m just thrilled to receive such a warm and inviting ovation! Really, I don�t know how to even start thanking you fine folks for greeting me so pleasantly. It really is, just overwhelming. The "ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE" chants intensify, and someone even lobs a cup of beer towards Dudley�s area, he probably is playing CF for the Phillies, because the throw goes off line pathetically Well, actually, I take that back. I know the PERFECT way to start thanking you worthless fans. Why, I�ll just make a few slight modifications to the little match we have going on here tonight!
Cole: What the hell is he going to do that for?
Dave Dudley: Yeah, I think I�ll start by making this a HARDCORE Rules match, where ANYTHING goes. You win by pinfall or submission, anywhere you want and by any means. The prince of Scottie�s little faction, the man posing as World Champion, has yet to witness the sheer ruthlessness and brutality of an ICW Hardcore match, but he�ll get a dose of that starting tonight! Crowd pops, everyone loves Hardcore carnage, even if its Dave Dudley telling them about it
Cole: So this has gone from a non-title regulation one-fall match to an all-out Hardcore brawl!
Pettengill: Hardcore? I don�t know what exactly that is, the use of foreign objects in matches is strictly prohibited in the WWF.
Cole: You�re pathetic, even more pathetic then me, and that�s saying a lot.
Dave Dudley: Oh, but that�s not all. Scottie, and Hexane as well, may have thought that this would just be a one-time, random engagement. But oh, no, they were mistaken. You see, when Supa Sky does in fact beat the s*hit out of Hexane and pin him for the old 1,2,3, he�ll be guaranteeing himself a shot at the ICW World Championship at next week�s edition of Thursday Inferno! Crowd murmurs pretty loudly at this development
Cole: So a little extra added incentive for Dave�s lackey Supa Sky! Things keep getting more interesting in this contest!
Dave Dudley: And folks, I�m not even done yet! To ensure that this match isn�t unfair or judged with a bias, I�m installing my first and most loyal disciple the referee..that�s right, ICW legend. Simeon!
Cole: What the hell?!?! Now that�s just completely unfair, Hexane has to deal with another one of Dudley�s goons besides Supa Sky in the ring with him. Things started off okay stipulation-wise, but now they�ve gone completely downhill.
Black Sabbath�s "Paranoid" begins to play throughout the arena and Simeon steps out onto the stage with Dave Dudley. He�s decked out in street clothes, and he shakes Dudley�s hand and then walks quickly down the ramp, disregarding the boos and jeers he receives from the fans. Simeon slides into the ring, and waits there for the combatants.
Cole: So now Sky gets the luxury of having one of his fellow Team Dudley mates in there with him! It seems like Dudley is trying his hardest to stack the deck against the Champ!
Dave Dudley: Finally, something that I�m sure will please everyone at home watching tonight, wasting their Saturday nights away in their own self-pity. More specifically, all you ugly, smelly, fat, rejects,or, even more specifically, Brian Oxenreider! HAH! All kidding aside, I�m going to be joining ICW�s fine announcing team,whoever they may be, I really don�t know or care.I�ll be joining them at ringside and contributing some color commentary!
Cole: Oh, just f*ucking great. I not only have to deal with a lunatic who thinks he�s in the WWF circa 1994, but now a deranged, insulting, condescending as*shole like Dudley! I�m not getting paid enough to tolerate this s*hit.
Dave Dudley: I really must thank all of you not only for coming, but for being the worst audience ICW has ever put a product out there for. You�re lack of respect for your hometown Hardcore Icon makes me embarrassed to even be from this hellhole of a city! Boos really start to be poured on, now And with that, on with our match!
Dudley puts his microphone back away, and starts his slow walk down the ramp way and towards the announce table. He makes the customary left turn at the part of the ring closest to the ramp, and finally makes it to the announce table. He nods his head in the respective directions of both Styles and Pettengill, then slides behind the table, puts his headset on and takes a seat.
Cole: Well uhh welcome, Dave, nice to have you here with us.
Dudley: It�s Mr. Dudley to you, jackass.
Pettengill: Here he is folks, the owner and chairman of the WWF, Vincent K. McMahon!
Dudley: What the hell is this guy�s problem?
Cole: Just ignore him, he�s a complete idiot. And, gay.
Dudley: Sounds like you were describing yourself there, fuckface.
Cole: Ugh,fair enough.
Rage Against the Machine�s "Snake Charmer" begins to play over the PA system, and the crowd begins to boo once again. After a few seconds, Supa Sky strolls out from behind the curtain, looking pretty pissed off and probably determined. Sky stops a second right at the edge of the stage, and absorbs the boos from the crowd, and then begins to head down the ramp.
Dudley: There he is, folks, the future ICW World Champion himself, the one, the only, Supa F*UCKING Sky!
Pettengill: What a potty mouth! You can�t use that kind of language; kids at home might be watching this edition of WWF Superstars!
Dudley: You know, yo--�..HEY, WHAT THE F*UCK IS THIS S*HIT�.
Dudley is clearly upset about something, and it�s the immediate and unexpected arrival of the ICW World Champion Hexane, who has come out from behind the entrance curtain unexpectedly and unannounced before he was formally introduced! He�s also got the ICW Title unstrapped and loaded, like a weapon, and he�s making a full-out rush up to Sky from behind!
Dudley: GOD DAMNIT, HE CAN�T DO THAT!
Cole: Apparently, he can, and he�s about to do so!
Sky is still heading down the ramp, when he�s stopped dead in his tracks by the outstretched arm of Hexane! Hex spins Sky around, and goes on to knock Sky completely on his back with a devastating shot to the head courtesy of the ICW Title belt! Sky goes down in a heap, and the crowd pops as Hexane tosses aside the ICW Title along with his white lab coat, and continues to go to work on Sky, pummeling the fallen li�l guy with big boots to Sky�s chest! Sky convulses in pain, and Hex grabs a hold of him and begins to drag him down to the ring!
Cole: Hexane taking the early initiative in this match, by a long shot!
Dudley: Yeah, thanks to f*ucking cheating, that no good piece of s*hit. He�s too scared to face Sky the fair way, so he has to ambush him from behind!
Pettengill: The 1,2,3 Kid really taking a beating here at the hands of Savio Vega!
Hexane drags Sky down the ramp and rolls him into the ring, where Simeon tries to help Sky back to his feet and refresh the battered Supa li�l guy. Hexane lingers on the outside, as he flips up the bottom drape covering the under-ring area and looks around searching for a good weapon to use. After a few seconds, he immerges with a fire extinguisher, hose and nozzle-piece and all. Hex has re-immerged from underneath the ring, holding the extinguisher up��.BUT he never sees Supa Sky leaping off the top turnbuckle across the way! Sky extends his feet and delivers a missile dropkick right into the fire extinguisher, which in turn nails Hexane square between the eyes!
Dudley: Whoa, way to go Sky, just like The Hardcore Icon taught him!
Hex tumbles backwards in a heap, and falls hard to the lightly-padded concrete floor on the outside! Sky takes a tumble as well, but he�s tough enough to hop back up immediately following the move. He then reaches under the ring himself, and he pulls out a nice steel chair�.and proceeds to drape it across the fallen body of Hexane. Sky then hops up onto the canvas, turns himself a round��. and, using the top rope as sort of a catapult, does a wicked moonsault onto the steel chair, bringing the real impact down onto the chest of Hexane! Sky goes for the cover, and Simeon hops down out of the ring with the count!
1..
2..
Hexane gets a shoulder up!
Dudley: That idiot isn�t supposed to kick out, damnit. He�s going to die. Be gay, and die and be gay in hell.
Cole: O�..kay, well Supa Sky has taken the offensive, so one little kickout shouldn�t set him too far back, Mr. Dudley.
Dudley: Did I even say you could speak? Remind me to tell Sky to have you shot after this show.
Cole: Damnit, not again�.
Sky looks over at Simeon seeming a little pissed about the speed of the count, but then sets up for a continuation of his onslaught of fury. He reaches over and picks up the now-dented fire extinguisher which he planted into the skull of Hexane earlier, and is ready to use it once again. He smashes the bottom part of it HARD against the skull of Hexane, and then tosses it aside, and goes for yet another pin! Simeon is in position, and ready to make the count!
1...
Not even a 2-count, as Hexane tosses Sky up off him, and rises slowly but surely back to his feet!
Pettengill: Rising from the dead, The Undertaker! No one can stop The Dead Man! What a scary guy!
Dudley: What a f*ucking dork, you are. Hey Todd?
Pettengill: Yes, Mr. McMahon?
Dudley: See, you expected me to say "The d*ick is in YOUR mouth."�, but that joke is so 2 weeks ago. DORK!
Cole: Damnit, did you just come here to badger the two of us honest announcers?!?!
Dudley: Why yes, yes I did. Testify.
Sky is getting frustrated, and now takes a few steps away from Hex and goes for another weapon under the ring, yet again�this time Sky comes away with a wicked-looking Singapore Cane! Sky turns towards Hex, now standing but still a bit drowsy and not fully regaining his strength, and Sky winds up and takes a baseball bat-type hack that would make Li�l Joey McEwing proud��BUT, Hexane blocks the move by grabbing the cane with his big meaty hand, and simply snapping it in half!
Cole: Looks like Sky has to go back to the drawing board, a Singapore Cane is something Hex just swallows and eats for breakfast!
Dudley: Man, it must be a bitch shitting out a whole Singapore Cane. Does it come out in once piece?
Cole: How the heck should I know, I�m not the monitor of Hexane�s bowel movements!
Dudley: You should be, you�d probably enjoy it, since all you can do is eat s*hit. That�s right, and you eat MY s*hit, suck-a-duck.
Sky, in a fit of desperation, tries to deliver a swift kick to Hexane�s knee. The kick connects, but Hexane barely flinches! Sky tries it again! Again, Hexane has a fit of Undertaker-ism, and completely no sells the move! The crowd pops, and now Sky lunges at Hexane! But, Hexane dodges Sky�s rush, and ends up behind Sky, where he locks on a full nelson!�.after a moment of just holding Sky in the move, Hexane lifts Sky up off his feet, releases with one arm, and brings Sky crashing to the concrete floor head-first with a full nelson into a wicked DDT!
Cole: MY GOODNESS, what a move by Hexane! He might have just completely knocked Sky out!
Dudley: Damnit, what the hell is going on here. Sky is getting screwed.
Hexane flips Sky over onto his back, and goes for the pin!���.. BUT, Simeon refuses to count!
Cole: DAMN that Simeon! He�s completely costing Hexane the match here!
Dudley: What, can�t you see, he�s got something in his eye. These types of things happen all the time!
Hexane, livid with the lack of a count, backs away from the fallen body of Sky and heads to find out where Simeon is. As he turns around, though, Simeon is ready and waiting with a garbage can lid he presumably found under the ring!�. Simeon cracks Hexane right in the mouth with the back part of a steel garbage can lid!
Cole: Damnit! THIS is completely unfair! Simeon, supposedly the referee here, just knocked out Hexane!
Hex goes down hard, and Simeon continues to pummel the guy, laying into him with wicked boots to the chest and midsection!
Pettengill: The Goon really laying into IRS with a wicked variety of martial arts-style kicks!
Cole: This is completely un--�..HEY, WAIT JUST A MINUTE! Hex isn�t completely lost JUST YET! LOOK UP THE RAMP!
Right on cue, Hexane�s tag team partner (?) Kayfabe comes rushing down the entrance ramp, carrying a bottle of Miller-brand beer in one hand and a baseball bat in the other! Kay rushes down right to where Simeon is beating on his fallen partner, and he absolutely blindsides Simeon, shattering his bottle of Miller Lite right across the back of Simeon�s head, sending him crashing down to the floor in a complete heap!!!! The crowd pops [/b]
Cole: Hexane and Kayfabe have had some problems over the past few weeks, and there�s been a little rift throughout the team, but I don�t see that here tonight!
Dudley: Damnit, something needs to be done about this! F*ucking Kayfabe, I swear to f*ucking God��
Dudley�s voice trails off, and the camera pans from where Kay is helping his fallen partner back to his feet, to a shot of the announce table, where Dudley has gotten up out of his chair, and thrown his headset onto the table in disgust, and has taken off in a full sprint towards Hexane and Kayfabe! Kay is pulling Hex back to his feet, but by the vicious and abrupt crowd reaction, he suspects someone coming from behind! He pulls himself up, and swivels around, just to see Dudley extending an arm with an attempted clothesline attempt!��.and Kay is able to block it! Kay then responds with a ridiculous baseball bat knob to the gut of Dudley, who doubles over and stumbles forward towards Kay! Kay then grabs a hold of Dudley, hooks him��
Cole: UH oh, look out, MR. Dudley!
��..and brings him crashing down head-first, onto the broken glass that resulted in Kay smashing a beer bottle across Simeon�s head!!!!!!!! A wicked KDT right onto a blanket of broken glass!!!!!!
Pettengill: OH dear God, Spark Plug Holly may have just been killed! He was a race car driver once, you know!
Cole: MY GOD, Dave Dudley just got impaled onto a bed of BROKEN GLASS! RUTHLESS AGGRESSION!
Pettengill: Ruthless Aggression is just stupid, okay? Not even I would stoop to such a dumb way of describing something.
Cole: Huh? You just broke character.
Pettengill: Err�..Big Daddy Cool! The Diesel! Yeah!
Dudley, Simeon and Sky are still down and collectively out, although Sky is starting to regain consciousness a bit. Hexane has fully recovered, and he and Kayfabe now meet eye-to-eye. Kay drops the baseball bat next to the fallen Dudley and Simeon, and reaches out his hand!��Hexane looks down at it, and the two shake, to a big pop from the Philly crowd!
Cole: Whatever problems they were having earlier this week, it seems like they�ve patched things up here, that�s for sure!
The two men finish their handshake, and Kayfabe turns and heads up the ramp, to a big pop from the crowd! Hexane watches him walk up, and then reaches down and pulls Supa Sky, who was just beginning to get back to his feet, fully up, and tosses him into the ring!
Cole: Looks like Hexane is ready to finish this thing once and for all! The champ is back in charge!
Pettengill: Scott Baio is here?
Cole: What?
Pettengill: Didn�t you just mention the current hottest TV show, Charles In Charge?
Cole: Uh�.no.
Pettengill: CHARLESSSS IN CHARGE, OF OUR DAYS�..AND OUR NIGHTS!
Cole: Seems like Charles was a controlling Neo-Nazi.
Pettengill: What, he was the President of EFWO?
Cole: BONGGGGG. Man, you know your company sucks when Todd Pettengill is making jokes about you.
Back in the ring, a recovering Sky makes a desperation run at Hexane to try and regain some of his lost momentum��.but Hex just answers Sky with a wicked, stiff big boot right to the smaller Sky�s face, sending Sky down! Hex isn�t going to stop though, as he pulls Sky up off the mat once again! This time, though, Hex hooks Sky, and lifts him up into a Fireman�s Carry!
Cole: Sky is a definite precarious position! The only place from here is down, down down and even further down!
Hex holds Sky up there for, and then to the delight of the crowd brings him crashing down face-first out of the Fireman�s Carry, down hard onto the mat! (Note: called F5 by the WWE, but Brock Lesnar is a fag and doesn�t deserve a special move all his own) Sky bounces up a bit off the mat, and Hex seemingly has the thing all rapped up, as Sky is barely moving!
Cole: Hexane just landed the F5! This thing is all over!
Pettengill: Didn�t you hear what the man just said? It�s not the F5, because someone named Brock Lesnar is gay.
Hexane struts around the ring for a moment, and then signals to the crowd that he�s going to finish this thing. The crowd, in turn, pops of course. So, Hexane heads over to the fallen and unmoving Sky, and goes and locks on��his version of the Rings of Saturn, which he calls, quite cleverly The Rings of Hexane!!!!!!
Cole: He�s got his move locked in! The Rings of Hexane! Right in the center of the ring!!!!
Pettengill: Bob Backlund has that vicious Chicken Wing locked right on! I hope you�re voting for him, in his run for a seat in Congress! OR ELSE!
Sky isn�t even moving! He hasn�t even flinched since Hexane locked on the move, so he should be subject to the mandatory 3-count to test if the match will continue�� BUT there�s no referee, since Simeon got knocked out by Kayfabe!
Cole: DAMNIT! Simeon had to go and get involved in this match, and now that he�s knocked out, there�s no ref!
Hexane looks around, still having the move locked on�.and realizes that the ref is gone! He starts shouting for Simeon, but he�s not even moved since he got hit with that beer bottle via Kayfabe! However, just when Hexane is about to break the hold and try and summon Simeon (nice short alliteration), senior referee Earl Hebner comes rumbling down the ramp!
Cole: Here we go! The ever-consistent Earl Hebner is making his way to the ring to administer the mandatory 3-count! Thank God, Hex will win this thing!
Hebner gingerly slides into the ring, and heads right over to where Hex has Sky locked up! He first warns the timekeeper to get the bell ready to be rung at 3! Then, without hesitation, he drops on his belly and goes to raise Sky�s�.foot, since his arm is all locked up by the move�..so, here we go�.
1, Sky�s foot fell to the mat!!!!!!
2..AGAIN!..once more!
3!!!!----..
NO! Simeon, coming from virtually out of nowhere, dove into the ring and pulled Hebner away at the VERY last second, not allowing him to signal for the bell, even though Sky�s foot landed without resistance!
Cole: DAMNIT! DAMNIT! THIS MATCH IS OVER! That damn Simeon!
On the outside, Simeon absolutely CLOBBERS Hebner, sending him flopping down to the mat in a complete heap! Simeon, now sporting a brand-new open and bleeding gash on the side of his head, reaches down and lifts up the baseball bat Kay used to nail Dudley. Simeon then slides into the ring��heads over to where Hex is still holding Sky in the move��. AND CLOBBERS HIM UPSIDE THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WITH THE BASEBALL BAT!!!!!
Pettengill: Wow, MVP really put a drive into that one!
Cole: DAMN SIMEON!
Hexane flops to the mat, in an unconscious heap! Simeon goes over to the fallen Sky, and tries to rejuvenate him by smacking him in the face and shaking him around and what not�..it takes a while, and Sky finally gets close to coming too. Simeon backs off and allows Sky to turtle around on the mat for a few moments, still trying to regain his senses�..finally, Sky begins to crawl towards the fallen Hexane�..he�s about to drape his arm across for a pin���..
Cole: NO! NO DAMNIT NO! SKY IS BEING HANDED A VICTORY, DAMNIT!
��.just as he�s about to lay his arm across Hexane, the crowd begins to pop bigtime���
Pettengill: Here comes Public Enemy to save the day! Yes! Yes!
Cole: NO, THAT�S NOT PUBLIC ENEMY! THAT�S SCOTTIE PP7 DAMNIT! AND HE�S GOT COMPANY!
�..the crowd was popping for, of course, Scottie PP7 and Andrew Leigh, who have come rushing out from the back and are bringing it full-speed down the ramp and into the ring, just as Sky drapes his arm across Hexane!!!! Simeon begins to count!
1...
2...
Leigh and Scottie arrive just in time, and pull Simeon the f*uck off the fallen Hexane! Scottie and Leigh go to work on him, laying in to him with simultaneous, respective left and right hands, causing Simeon to bounce back and forth between the two! Finally, after this goes on for a few moments, Scottie absolutely decks him with a standing clothesline!!!
Cole: OH YEAH! SUCK ON THAT, SIMEON!
Pettengill: Papa Shango cleans house! Oh yes! The VOODOO MON!
Scottie has his back turned, and Sky is now up on his feet and making a mad dash towards Scottie��..BUT, Andrew Leigh intervenes, and cuts Sky off with a badass jumping dropkick! Sky goes barreling back into the ropes, and comes bouncing off like a slingshot�..RIGHT into Leigh�s grasp, where he hooks him, and lifts him up onto his shoulder!�..AND brings him crashing down with the Introducing the Metric System In Time face-first powerbomb!!!!!!
Cole: AND SKY IS DOWN! Leigh and Scottie have cleaned house!
Leigh and Scottie look at each other, nod acceptingly and feeling like they�ve done their job, head out of the ring together, and begin to walk up the ramp! They walk past Dave Dudley, who is still laying on the ground, for an abnormally long time, blood visibly trickling down his face as a result of having shards of glass in his head��
Pettengill: The Smoking Gunns really did a number on The Body Donnas here tonight, my goodness!
Cole: Leigh and Scottie show their team solidarity, that�s for��wait, what the hell is that?!?
Cole is referring to the camera shot which is currently in effect�one from the edge of the ring, where the backs of Leigh and Scottie are visible walking up the ramp��
But, there�s also something else�..a shadowy figure has stepped out from the entrance curtain��Leigh and Scottie are immersed in conversation and have yet to notice him��.the figure has now stepped out fully onto the stage, and is standing right in the open and right in the path of both Leigh and Scottie��the camera is yet to make a direct zoom-in shot of him, and there is no direct light on his face��.
Cole: Who the hell is that now?!?!?! What the hell is he doing, just standing at the top of the stage?!?!?!
��.Scottie and Leigh finally reach the top of the stage, and they both, almost simultaneously look up��.the camera is not facing the mystery guy, but is instead looking directly and Scottie and Leigh, who, upon looking up�..both have a change in expression��.Scottie looks like he just saw a ghost����Leigh looks pissed as hell���Scottie is unmoving, and just sort of stares at the unknown, unrevealed person in complete wide-eyed amazement��
Cole: WHO THE HELL IS THAT, Scottie looks like he just saw a ghost!
Pettengill: IT�s..IT�s..IT�s...
...finally, the camera begins to swerve...and it turns slowly, and zooms in on...
The face of..
Of...
Nonz?...no, wait, this isn�t LWN circa 1999...
...Hoyakillah?...no, wait, this isn�t EFWO, we�re not gay enough and we don�t accept meaningless shoot posts that are supposed to be badass but flat out suck...
No, it�s...
JEFF F*UCKING WATSON!
Cole: OH MY GOD! DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! IT�S...JEFF WATSON!
Pettengill: RAZOR RAMON AND DIESEL ARE BACK! THEY�RE BACK!
The crowd goes f*ucking apes*hit, as Scottie continues to stare in utter f*ucking amazement...at former ICW star..no, not star... former ICW LEGEND Jeff Watson!
Cole: MY SWEET STARS I NEVER SAW HIM COMING BACK! WHAT A SHOCKER! NOT EVEN MISS CLEO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS!
Pettengill: He hasn�t even done anything yet, calm down you maniac.
Now, after the crowd has flipped out in amazement, and the camera has soaked in the image of Jeff Watson pretty much completely...Scottie finally kicks out of his trance. Andrew Leigh, ready to attack the guy he had run-ins with in the past in ICW and never really liked, is ready to jolt forward and throw down BUT, Scottie calmly extends his arm and guards him�.and then begins to start talking to Watson�..the camera is close enough to the area to pick up the dialogue�.
Scottie PP7: Frantically, sounding desperate and pretty shocked...Look man, it�s great to have you back...but, you�ve got to be on my side here, right?! I mean, you NEVER liked Dudley...NEVER...right?!?!?!
Watson continues to just look back, calmly without any real expression or distress or anything on his face�..as Scottie continues to plead with him about being on his side and not liking Dudley and wanting to take ICW back, etc��..Scottie begins to lose patience with the fact that Watson has basically nothing to say��
Scottie PP7: GOD DAMNIT! SAY SOMETHING YOU F*UCK! I�M SCOTTIE PP7, DAMNIT, DON�T JUST F*UCKING STAND THERE!
Watson continues to grin, and just kinda look at Scottie
and then, out of f*ucking nowhere
throws a mean right hand to Andrew Leigh, sending him reeling, but just enticing him to start brawling! Watson and Leigh start to exchange lefts and rights, and eventually Watson gets the edge!
Cole: DAMN WATSON, WHAT THE HELL! He�s going right after Leigh! What the hell is Scottie doing?!?!
Watson now has started to send Leigh staggering back down the ramp! Scottie has yet to get involved and help his partner in crime Leigh, but has sort of wearily and almost methodically began to drift backwards toward the ring, just watching Watson lay into his friend Andrew Leigh! Watson finally actually knocks Leigh down HARD to the floor with a series of knees and kicks to the gut followed by a wicked scissors kick right to the back of Leigh�s head!
Pettengill: Aldo Montoya, The Portugese Man-O-War, really laying a beating her! This is amazing!
Cole: NO DAMNIT, IT�S TERRIBLE!
Watson now changes his focus, from the fallen and pretty much disposed-of Leigh to Scottie, who has continued to drift back towards the ring�..just sort of blankly staring in amazement and shock at Watson�..Watson starts to grin as Scottie stops dead in his tracks... AND FROM BEHIND, Dave Dudley CLOBBERS SCOTTIE WITH A RIDICULOUS CHAIR SHOT TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!!!!! Scottie stumbles forward, where Watson then pushes him back towards Dudley, who tosses the chair aside!
Cole: OH NO! NO GOD DAMNIT! NO!
Dudley tosses Scottie up. AND THEN BOOM! THE 4D!!!!! DAVE DUDLEY DEATH DROP!!!![/i]
Pettengill: Ahmed Johnson delivers the ultimate Pearl River Plunge!!!!
Scottie is OUT! Dudley gets up, brushes his power suit off, and looks up to Jeff Watson... and a big s*hit-eating grin comes across his bloodied face!!! He reaches out his hand...and he and Jeff Watson shake!!!!!!
Cole: NO! Watson is aligned with Dudley! This makes sense, THAT�S THE TRUMP CARD DUDLEY WAS TALKING ABOUT! DAMN HIM! F*UCK!
Pettengill: You can�t say that!
Cole: I JUST DID!
Dudley and Watson then proceed to start beating the living s*hit out of the now-fallen duo of Andrew Leigh and Scottie PP7! The camera follows the beatdown for a moment, but then shifts back to inside the ring�..where Hexane has just recovered to his feet after getting nailed in the back of his head with a bat earlier , and tries to make a run towards Watson and Dudley to stop them��..BUT he�s cut off by the also-recovering Simeon, who pulls him back towards the ring��.where SKY grabs a hold of his neck�. rushes towards the turnbuckle, hops up onto it, AND DELIVERS HIS Overfloater ACID DROP!!!
Cole: DAMN! Sky and Simeon again combine to do a number on Hexane!!!
Sky and Simeon now converge mid ring, and decide to go and start beating down on the fallen Hexane! Sky stomps a hole in his chest and midsection, as Simeon reaches for the bat he just previously used on Hex and decides to use it again, this time drilling him in the chest!!!! This beatdown on Hex continues for another few moments��
Cole: GOD DAMN! CARNAGE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF THE RING! WATSON AND DUDLEY CONTINUE TO PUMMEL LEIGH AND SCOTTIE ON THE OUTSIDE!
��.Simeon and Sky continue the beatdown, but the crowd begins to murmur��.and someone is seen rushing through the crowd! The man comes through the crowd, through the mass of humanity in the ICW Arena�..and hops the guard rail, escaping ICW Security and diving into the ring...it�s...it�s
Cole: WAIT! That�s Seamus O�Hagan! Business is about to pick up! The County Cork Castrator!
Seamus is all pumped up and Irish and drunk and what not, and he�s got a f*ucking pint of Guinness in one hand and a god damn STOP Sign in the other! He draws the attention of Sky first, who breaks away from Hex and rushes him�..BOOM, STOP SIGN SHOT TO THE FACE! Down goes Sky!
Cole: OH HELL YES!
Now, Simeon sees Seamus� presence, and he rushes at him! Seamus quickly tosses Simeon the pint of Guinness...Simeon catches it, BUT THEN GETS DRILLED WITH THE STOP SIGN! Simeon stumbles back, and Seamus drops the sign...Simeon bounces off the ropes, and right into Seamus� grasp!��
Pettengill: Things don�t look good for Papa Shango!
Seamus hooks Simeon�� IRISH CAR BOMB, ONTO THE STOP SIGN! The crowd pops big!!!!!! Seamus bounces up, looks down at the fallen carcasses of both Simeon and Sky, and hocks a collectively loogey and spits on the both of him!!!!��.
BUT, coming charging down the ramp, past where Dudley and Watson are pre-occupied beating on Leigh and Scottie...is Carter Wilson!
Cole: What the?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!
Carter Wilson rushes into the ring, and comes up behind Seamus!Seamus never even sees him coming, but Carter spins him around, kicks him square in the, shall we say, groin area, which is even worse since he�s Irish and isn�t as well..endowed�..
Pettengill: My goodness. I thought Seamus was the one that castrated people!
Cole: You stole my line.
Seamus is doubled over in serious pain�.. AND Carter Wilson hooks him..and brings him crashing down with the MAIN OFFENDER cradle brainbuster!!! The crowd boos pretty lustily, as Carter is all set to leave the ring...BUT FROM BEHIND, IT�S HEXANE!
Cole: WAIT A MINUTE! They forgot about Hexane! Oh YES!
Hex is up behind Carter Wilson, and he grabs a hold of him�. Reverse Russian Leg Sweep, which he calls The AAD!!!! The crowd pops, and Wilson is down and out!!!!
Cole: YES! Wait, look�..Earl Hebner is back in the ring! HE�S BACK! The actual ref!
Hex turns, and sees the carnage�.Seamus, Simeon, Sky, and now Carter Wilson, but he heads over to Sky anyway... AND LOCKS ON THE RINGS OF HEXANE FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!! Earl Hebner, now alert and not getting f*ucked with by anyone, slides down, to see if Sky is going to tap!��.
AND HE DOES! SKY FLAILS HIS HOOKED HANDS AND NODS HIS HEAD YES, HE TAPS OUT!!!!
Winner, via submission, Hexane!!!!!!!
Cole: YES! YES! YES! Hexane pulled it out! What a victory! After all tha--�..WAIT A MINUTE, DAMNIT! NO, LOOK OUT HEXANE!!
From behind, the celebrating Hexane is unable to turn around��..as Jeff Watson and Dave Dudley AMBUSH him, and take him down completely!!! Watson and Dudley just beating the living daylights out of Hex, with numerous kicks, punches, leg drops, fist drops, running leg drops�.you name it, they laid it on Hexane!
Cole: DAMNIT! ISN�T THERE ANYONE LEFT?!?! SOMEONE?!?! ANYONE?!?!?!
The camera focuses on Watson and Dudley, who continue to pummel Hexane in the ring,but then cuts away, away from the ring altogether,and to a shot of Kayfabe, who was earlier out there helping Hexane...Kay is standing backstage, looking down at a monitor and just watching his partner get destroyed by Watson and Dudley! The camera picks him up�..
Kayfabe: God damn it, Hex, I can�t be fighting all your battles for you. You got yourself into that damn mess, you can get yourself out!
He throws up his hands in disgust, and then walks away from the monitor, and out of sight completely�..The action shifts back to the ring, where Dudley and Watson have seemingly finished their demolition of Scottie�s team��..they stand mid-ring, and raise each other�s arms in a victorious manner�..
Cole: DAMN KAYFABE! I THOUGHT HE AND HEX PATCHED THINGS UP! JESUS H. CHRIST, JEFF WATSON IS BACK IN ICW! AND HE�S ALIGNED WITH DAVE DUDLEY, AND THEY�VE BOTH COMPLETELY DEMOLISHED SCOTTIE PP7 AND HIS TEAM! UN F*UCKING REAL!
Pettengill: You�re too excited.
Cole: WE�RE OUT OF TIME! WE�LL SEE YOU ON MAYHEM, DAMNIT!
The last shot of the night is of Watson and Dudley, standing mid ring...and then the show goes black.
End Transmission