Post by The Ox on Apr 11, 2011 21:22:58 GMT -6
Allowing oneself to realize that change is needed can be a very difficult thing to do. It makes us have to admit that something is wrong and that we have allowed that something, not only to happen, but also, most likely to continue unabated for a period of time.
Another tough mental challenge for us, is to realize that as we age, changes we can not fully control start to occur. And one could say that its not the changes themselves that truly bother us, but the loss of control that we must accept, that does.
the clock on the dashboard illuminates the numbers 5:43 AM in green. The all night drive across 4 states almost complete. The Ox looks up and sees the glowing red lights of the Pagoda atop Mount Penn overlooking Reading Pa. While its been a long night... one that has seen hunger, anger and self examination, he cant help but smile when seeing the familiar landmark.
The Ox: I'm home.
The Ox pulls the steering wheel right and follows the spring township exit of route 222. He heads toward the large skyscraper that stands in the distance. A building that once was out of place amongst the corn fields of rural Berks County. Now the building, while still standing alone, sits not far away from shopping centers and housing developments, as more of the open land of the area gets taken away.
As the car's engine purrs, the thoughts swirl in Ox's head. The memories from seeing that building start to build. They flash through his mind as if he is seeing parts of his life as a highlight reel. Although not everything that happened in that building was good.. some was really bad... overall that building was the symbol and the center of what was a very good time in his life overall.
He turns left and the full view of the skyscraper comes into view. It still elicits a sense of awe from deep inside The Ox. He oversaw the construction of that building shortly after hurricane Andy in the summer of 2000, just weeks after taking over control of EFWO.
He slows the car down and lets it drift into the expansive empty parking lot. Instinctively Ox heads toward the parking spot where a weathered, rusting sign reads "reserved for The President".
He brings the 'Vette to a stop and puts it in park. A twist of the key turns the engine off and for a moment The Ox just sits in the front seat and looks up at the large sign that says "EFWO Headquarters". A long sigh escapes his lips as he continues to think of what once was.
The Ox: Now I need to make it into what will be again.
He gets out of the car and takes in a deep inhale of the cool morning air. He takes the familar walk, trying not to limp, to the grand entrance of this grand building. He fishes into his pocket for the keys to a building that once never really closed. Opening the door, the staleness of the air inside immediately catches him offguard.
The Ox: Damn. I wonder when the last time anyone was here.
Ox looks at the interior of the lobby of the building. A film of dust as formed on everything, but other than that nothing much has changed. The building is still in good condition. The Ox wonders what happened to the people that were supposed to still be cleaning the building on at least a somewhat regular basis. He makes a mental note to check on whether payments are still being sent for that.
He walks to the elevators and hits the button. The large doors immediately open. He gets in and tries to decide where it is he wants to go first. He peers at the numbers and goes to hit the top floor... number 79, the one that was his office for so many years. He decides instead, to hit B2. The second floor of the basement that houses what was once a truly state of the art, first rate gym.
The elevator whirls downward and quickly reaches the intended destination. The door opens and X Dude steps out into the middle of a massive room with lots of dormant equipment. He walks toward the row of treadmills and jumps on one firing it up and quickly gets it up to a jog.
The Ox: Huff... Puff...
His right foot starts to throb as The Ox tries to increase his pace. The grimace on his face belies the agony he tries to convince himself isnt there. His breathing heavy... his heart beating, no pounding in his chest. Sweat pouring off his brow. His shirt quickly becoming soaked. His body, feeling like its about to blow apart, betraying him, He reaches for the button to bring the treadmill to a halt.
The Ox: Damn.
He bends over while standing on the treadmill. His hands on his knees. Sweat dripping and pooling on the rubber base of the machine.
The Ox: How did I get this far out of shape?
Trying to ignore the pain in his foot... ignoring it means its not really there afterall.. he walks slowly to an exercise bike. He gets on, sets the resistence and slowly starts to pedal.
This activity doesnt cause the the pain to throb as badly. But he still finds himself feeling winded just as quickly as the treadmill. He tries to focus mentally. As he does flashbacks to the past... to her...
His physique, his stardom, his celebrity.. none of that mattered to her. He didnt have to be a character or an actor for her. He could just be himself... but it was being himself that screwed it all up. How could he have allowed that to happen? He should have kept being who he trained himself so well to be... the persona he created. He shouldnt of let the guard down to his real self... the one that was never good enough for anyone when he was younger. The person that finally became a success only by inventing a 2nd person entirely... He should have realized that allowing someone to see him as he really was would cause them to not want him.
He shakes away the thoughts and realizes the burning he is feeling in his muscles of his thighs. Lost in his thoughts, his body involuntarily increased the intensity of the workout. He feels the pain and allows it to become a part of him... after all.. this physical pain is so much better than the mental pain that he has felt recently. And if survived that, the physical pain will be no match.
He gets off the bike and stands. The burning in his thighs stil radiating up and down his legs. But the pain seems to be having a motivating effect... making him feel alive. As he walks to see if there is anything to drink left in the building, his right foot continues to throb.
The Ox: I have five months. Ill be ready. Ill be in shape.
As the scene starts to fade, one has to wonder if thats the voice of confidence, or a voice of a man trying to convince himself.
Another tough mental challenge for us, is to realize that as we age, changes we can not fully control start to occur. And one could say that its not the changes themselves that truly bother us, but the loss of control that we must accept, that does.
5 Months ago
the clock on the dashboard illuminates the numbers 5:43 AM in green. The all night drive across 4 states almost complete. The Ox looks up and sees the glowing red lights of the Pagoda atop Mount Penn overlooking Reading Pa. While its been a long night... one that has seen hunger, anger and self examination, he cant help but smile when seeing the familiar landmark.
The Ox: I'm home.
The Ox pulls the steering wheel right and follows the spring township exit of route 222. He heads toward the large skyscraper that stands in the distance. A building that once was out of place amongst the corn fields of rural Berks County. Now the building, while still standing alone, sits not far away from shopping centers and housing developments, as more of the open land of the area gets taken away.
As the car's engine purrs, the thoughts swirl in Ox's head. The memories from seeing that building start to build. They flash through his mind as if he is seeing parts of his life as a highlight reel. Although not everything that happened in that building was good.. some was really bad... overall that building was the symbol and the center of what was a very good time in his life overall.
He turns left and the full view of the skyscraper comes into view. It still elicits a sense of awe from deep inside The Ox. He oversaw the construction of that building shortly after hurricane Andy in the summer of 2000, just weeks after taking over control of EFWO.
He slows the car down and lets it drift into the expansive empty parking lot. Instinctively Ox heads toward the parking spot where a weathered, rusting sign reads "reserved for The President".
He brings the 'Vette to a stop and puts it in park. A twist of the key turns the engine off and for a moment The Ox just sits in the front seat and looks up at the large sign that says "EFWO Headquarters". A long sigh escapes his lips as he continues to think of what once was.
The Ox: Now I need to make it into what will be again.
He gets out of the car and takes in a deep inhale of the cool morning air. He takes the familar walk, trying not to limp, to the grand entrance of this grand building. He fishes into his pocket for the keys to a building that once never really closed. Opening the door, the staleness of the air inside immediately catches him offguard.
The Ox: Damn. I wonder when the last time anyone was here.
Ox looks at the interior of the lobby of the building. A film of dust as formed on everything, but other than that nothing much has changed. The building is still in good condition. The Ox wonders what happened to the people that were supposed to still be cleaning the building on at least a somewhat regular basis. He makes a mental note to check on whether payments are still being sent for that.
He walks to the elevators and hits the button. The large doors immediately open. He gets in and tries to decide where it is he wants to go first. He peers at the numbers and goes to hit the top floor... number 79, the one that was his office for so many years. He decides instead, to hit B2. The second floor of the basement that houses what was once a truly state of the art, first rate gym.
The elevator whirls downward and quickly reaches the intended destination. The door opens and X Dude steps out into the middle of a massive room with lots of dormant equipment. He walks toward the row of treadmills and jumps on one firing it up and quickly gets it up to a jog.
The Ox: Huff... Puff...
His right foot starts to throb as The Ox tries to increase his pace. The grimace on his face belies the agony he tries to convince himself isnt there. His breathing heavy... his heart beating, no pounding in his chest. Sweat pouring off his brow. His shirt quickly becoming soaked. His body, feeling like its about to blow apart, betraying him, He reaches for the button to bring the treadmill to a halt.
The Ox: Damn.
He bends over while standing on the treadmill. His hands on his knees. Sweat dripping and pooling on the rubber base of the machine.
The Ox: How did I get this far out of shape?
Trying to ignore the pain in his foot... ignoring it means its not really there afterall.. he walks slowly to an exercise bike. He gets on, sets the resistence and slowly starts to pedal.
This activity doesnt cause the the pain to throb as badly. But he still finds himself feeling winded just as quickly as the treadmill. He tries to focus mentally. As he does flashbacks to the past... to her...
His physique, his stardom, his celebrity.. none of that mattered to her. He didnt have to be a character or an actor for her. He could just be himself... but it was being himself that screwed it all up. How could he have allowed that to happen? He should have kept being who he trained himself so well to be... the persona he created. He shouldnt of let the guard down to his real self... the one that was never good enough for anyone when he was younger. The person that finally became a success only by inventing a 2nd person entirely... He should have realized that allowing someone to see him as he really was would cause them to not want him.
He shakes away the thoughts and realizes the burning he is feeling in his muscles of his thighs. Lost in his thoughts, his body involuntarily increased the intensity of the workout. He feels the pain and allows it to become a part of him... after all.. this physical pain is so much better than the mental pain that he has felt recently. And if survived that, the physical pain will be no match.
He gets off the bike and stands. The burning in his thighs stil radiating up and down his legs. But the pain seems to be having a motivating effect... making him feel alive. As he walks to see if there is anything to drink left in the building, his right foot continues to throb.
The Ox: I have five months. Ill be ready. Ill be in shape.
As the scene starts to fade, one has to wonder if thats the voice of confidence, or a voice of a man trying to convince himself.