Post by Dave Dangerously on Jun 5, 2008 11:45:26 GMT -6
THE CARD:
Live! Sunday, December 30th 2001, from the (not yet)sold out Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania(home of ICW)...why the Mellon Arena? Well, it's small and mired in mismanagement...doesnt it remind you of LWN?
Well it should as Insane Championship Wrestling presents
LWN WinterWar!
And it will eminate from the snowy Pittsburgh, as ICW brings to you a LWN Pay-Per-View classic.
One Night Tournament:
There will be a one night tournament, at WinterWar!
The winner...to meet the ICW World Heavyweight Champion, Dave Dudley!
Here are the first round matchups:
Healius
vs.
Winner of Sylver Morrigan/Lone Wolf
Hoyakillah
vs.
Dan Hampton
Myst
vs.
Winner of Johnny Q Public/Calvin Seraphim
Amalek
vs.
Ethan Prophet
But that's not all! Not only will the winner meet Dave Dudley for the ICW Championship, but in the second part of our double main event, one of the first round losers will be selected to meet Dave Dudley for the LWN World HeavyPost Championship!
And thats...not...ALL!
There will be a GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL!
RIPOFF, YOU BETCHA! All of your favorite gimmicks from LWN spawned feds will participate in a over the top rope battle royal.
Could it get any better than this?
PROBABLY!!!!!!
Join us live for LWN WinterWar, it will be a hot time, in the cold town tonight.
Presented in Dudley-O-Vision
THE PPV: (WinterWar was written by Dave Dudley and Hoyakillah)
In the Winter of 1999, the LatestWrestlingNews federation held a Pay-Per-View event, entitled WinterWar. It featured matches, with the top LWN superstars. It was regarded as one of the better PPVs in that timeframe at LWN.
Around that time, Insane Championship Wrestling was going through some changes.
A young man named ScottiePP7 had just assumed ownership, and a young upstart named Dave Dudley had just signed with ICW.
This change in ICW, would change the efed wrestling world, in ways it's never seen before.
ICW Claimed the top spot of supremacy when LWN folded.
But, ICW lost that spot, and has had some rough times.
But now, ICW is back, and in a new direction...
And tonight they combine forces with great LWN Tradition, to bring back a Pay-Per-View Classic, updated, to fit the modern times.
Tonight, ICW reclaims it's top spot.
Tonight, Insane Championship Wrestling presents...
CAN THE SAPPY INTRO!!!! "No One" by Cold plays, as The WinterWar graphic appears, as we see an inside shot of the Mellon arena, and it's jam packed as pyro goes off on the stage, and the camera pans around the crowd, showing off such signs as:
"I PAID TO SEE HEALIUS' A$$!"
"DAVE DUDLEY IS GOD"
"WERD BITCH DAVE DUDLEY LIKE A MOTHAFUCKA!"
"PROPHET WILL MAKE SOME PROFIT TONIGHT!"
"HEY, I GET IT."
"SCHLICKENMAIER CAN LICK MY MAIER!"
The camera cuts to the announce table:
Jim Ross: Welcome everyone, to LWN WINTERWAR 2001!
The camera cuts back to show all the crowd n stuff.
Jim Ross: Hello again, everybody I'm Good Ol' JR alongside my broadcast colleagues Joey Styles, and Jerry "The King" Lawler, and guys , what a great way to ring in the new year!
Joey Styles: That's right JR, tonight there will be a one night tournament, to see who wrestles Dave Dudley for the ICW World Heavyweight Championship, and one man will have to wrestle 4 times tonight, but someone COULD end up wrestling 5 times!
Jerry "The King" Lawler: That's right Joey with the inclusion of 2 play in matches, someone could indeed end up wrestling 5 times here tonight. And if that's not all, There's a efed gimmick battle royal, HAHA!
Ross: That's right, King, and also Dave Dudley has announced that a first round loser will meet him for the LWN Title!! More on that later, it's time for our first match!!! And folks, let me tell you, ICW is proud to say that for the first time ever, ICW brings to you a COMMERCIAL FREE PAY PER VIEW! (HAHA, SUCK IT ALL OF YOU WHO LIKE COMMERCIALS.)
"Blue Monday" by Orgy kicks in and out walks Calvin Seraphim to absolutely no crowd response!
JR: Fans, this isnt exactly the reaction we planned on kicking off ICW Presents LWN WinterWar, but this is our first match - Calvin Seraphim versus Johnny Q Public!
Seraphim down the aisle, slides into the ring and bounces off the rings, limbering up.
Styles: Calvin Seraphim out here, a fine wrestler with a strong technical background, as do so many of our prospects out here in ICW!
Lawler: Oh shut up you insolent slut!
Styles: Bastard!
Lawler: Pants-wearer!
JR: Do I have to separate you two?
Lawler: Youre already sitting between the two of us.
The opening strains of "For Whom The Bell Tolls" kicks in and out walks Johnny Q Public to an appreciative reaction from the crowd.
Lawler: Who would have thought that the ICW fans would take to Johnny Q Public? Hes a loser, isnt he?
JR: Well not exactly, but hes always been a favorite here!
Styles: Whatever.
Betraying no emotion as he slides into the ring Johnny Q stares down Calvin, and with the opening ring of the bell, he stands there and motions for Calvin to hit him.
Styles: A little cocky, isnt that?
Calvin wasting no time punches Q in the stomach, but Q no sells, and grabs Calvin, punching him once, sending him down to the ground hard
Lawler: Guess not... dumbass.
Calvin quickly hops up and the two lock up.
JR: Fans, you never know how these matches will go... they could be classics or they could be bowling shoe quality. Well just have to see!
Calvin with a quick neckbreaker, and Q goes down.
Lawler: Nice work from the newcomer.
Calvin keeps up the pressure and locks on an Ankle lock submission move but he breaks it off quickly, and pulls up Q.
Styles: Why the hell did he break the ankle lock?
JR: Maybe he didnt think it would do the job.
Lawler: Or maybe he thought of your mother naked, and was so horrified that he had to wash himself.
Seraphim sets up for a DDT but Q reverses, driving Calvin back into the mat.
JR: Nice counter from the ICW veteran.
Q picking up Seraphim, he whips Calvin into the ropes and goes for a clothesline but Calvin dodges, and counters with his own on the bounce back sending Q down but Q flips up quickly, and begins dancing around his arms in a fighting position.
JR: This is a different side of Johnny Q Public... almost exuberant.
Styles: I know. Just like me last night after bedding Stacy...
Lawler: SHUT UP, YOU!
Calvin doesn't know quite what to make of this, Q begins peppering Calvin with punches and dancing out of the way - Calvin is getting agitated.
Styles: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
Lawler: You glorified pencil pusher, who the hell do you think you are? Howard Cosell?
Styles: Well, his hair was realler than yours.
Lawler: Realler? Is that a word, or is that Stylese?
JR: If you two dont knock it off right now, Im turning this show off and driving you home!
Finally Seraphim grabs Q and with a quick back handed slap getting obligatory Whoo from the crowd Q stops.
JR: Beating some respect into him, King?
Lawler: I dont know, but I know one person who needs some respect beaten into him...
Styles: Your son, for being so ashamed of you he wont use your last name?
Lawler: I swear to God, Styles, all I need is...
Styles: Viagra?
JR: Back to the match?
Calvin quickly seizes Q and connects with a DDT, Q answers back with a quick leg sweep, and puts Calvin down.
JR: QPublic showing the value of experience...
Lawler: Something your wife knows about, Joey.
Styles: I dont have a wife, King. Is that your Alzheimers kicking in again?
Lawler: Oh, right, it was your sister. Youre right - but your husband was coming on to me all night, I had to beat him away with a stick!
Q then locks on a figure four and Seraphim thrashes in the middle of the ring.
JR: This could do it for Seraphim!
Styles: Whats the difference between Memphis and Afghanistan?
JR: I dont know, Joey. Whats the difference between Memphis and Afghanistan?
Styles: After Afghanistan was bombed, it was almost as ugly as Memphis.
Lawler: That joke sucked, Joey.
Styles: Just like you?
Lawler: No... wait... HEY!
The ref checking in. But Calvin doesn't quit. Calvin begins to turn and manages to counter with a figure four of his own using the ropes for extra leverage, Q is in agony.
JR: A fine reversal by Calvin Seraphim!
The ref checks in but Q doesn't quit slowly but surely he starts to turn it again, he does but he breaks the hold.
Styles: Isnt it your bedtime, King?
Lawler: What are you talking about?
Styles: Well, I thought an eight-year-old girls bedtime was usually 9 PM or so...
In the ring Q and Calvin have locked up again but Calvin is obviously weakened, Q with a quick scoop slam, and he follows that by picking up Calvin and executing a quick inverted atomic drop. Calvin gets up quickly still a little bit of fight left in him, he punches Q with a massive punch to the face.
Lawler: Nice punch by Seraphim.
JR: Agreed, King.
Styles: (in a high-pitched whine) Agreed, King... agreed, King...
Q staggers but doesn't fall, Calvin shrugs and punches again. Q again staggers but doesn't fall. Once more Calvin punches - this time Q stands a little more firmly, he gives Calvin the come get some motion.
JR: We always knew QPublic was a masochist, but this is ridiculous!
Styles: Speaking of masochists...
Lawler: KNOCK IT OFF!
Styles: What?
Again another punch, Q stands firm and no sells. Calvin goes for a punch again but Q grabs and twists the arm around Calvin's back and Calvin screams in pain. With a quick whip to the ropes Calvin is sent running - Q bounces off the ropes as well and starts to spin and his timing is such where he connects with a spinning heel kick squarely with Calvin's face.
JR: Thatll leave a mark!
Styles: King, how many of those did you take?
Lawler: In my day, quite a few, why?
Styles: Because no one, not even you, could be born as ugly as you are.
Q picks up a dazed Calvin and executes a quick swinging neckbreaker he quickly picks up Calvin and excutes a quick belly-to-belly suplex, and then he locks in a submission hold which looks like a Tazmission after a moment Calvin stops moving and looks like he has been knocked out.
Styles: I think that is The Disgrace.
Lawler: What insightful commentary, Joey!
JR: Fans, it looks like Johnny QPublic has the win here tonight!
The ref comes in, checks Seraphim out - and calls for the bell!
Winner by submission, Johnny Q Public!
JR: QPublic takes it!
Styles: Wanna take back that loser comment from earlier?
Lawler: You -
JR: Fans, as our first two competitors head to the back, lets look again at the breakdown of the upcoming matches. QPublic has advanced, and will face Myst in the next round. And the winner of our next match will face Healius in the next round! Its Lone Wolf against -
Lawler: PUPPIES!
Styles: Groan...
JR: (nonplussed) - Sylver Morrigan. You have to think Morrigan has the advantage coming in here.
Styles: Actually, JR, I have to disagree. Wolfs got a size advantage not to mention more time in-ring than Morrigan... I think he takes it here.
Bodies by Drowning Pool hits the speakers, and here comes Lone Wolf!
Lawler: Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor!
JR: Sigh...
Styles: Ummm... werent you fired when that song was being used by the WWF?
Silence from Lawler, as Lone Wolf walks down to the ring to a CHORUS of boos from the fans.
JR: Lone Wolf not the most popular man in the federation right now, and especially not when hes facing Sylver Morrigan!
Wolf in the ring, posing for his fans.
Styles: Pathetic competitors posing for non-existent fans... sound familiar, King?
Lawler: Yeah, it does. It sounds like ECW.
JR: And here comes his competitor!
As the opening to Sick of Life by Godsmack starts up, a dull roar blows through the crowd as the lights go out. When the purple spot comes on at the top of the ring, the roar gets louder, and louder... until a figure in a cloak walks out, at which point the crowd explodes!
Lawler: Its Morrigan, JR! Its Morrigan!
JR: I know, King, I know...
Morrigan comes out, at the top of the ramp, her cloak on... the pyro goes off as she whips it off, to a HUGE crowd pop!
Lawler: Take it off! Take it off!
Styles: Isnt she a little old for you?
Morrigan standing at the top of the ramp... and THERE SHE GOES!
JR: HERE WE GO!
Morrigan runs down to the ring at full speed, and jumps up to the apron, up to the top rope - springboards off with a short-arm clothesline, taking down Lone Wolf! Wolf goes down, and Morrigans straddling on top of him, pounding him with rights and lefts - but Wolf has the size advantage, and manages to push Morrigan off.
Lawler: I guaran-damn-tee you, if I was straddling Morrigan, I wouldnt get off.
Styles: You wouldnt be able to get up in the first place, so yes, youre right!
Back up to his feet, dusting himself off, Wolf looks across the ring to Morrigan, and points at her. Hes egging her on, Morpheus style!
JR: Weve seen a lot of what could be characterized as arrogance by the wrestlers so far tonight.
Styles: Well, this is an elite group. The best of the best. The creme de la creme.
Lawler: Then why didnt they hire a better third announcer?
Styles: Good question. They got me, they got JR, but I guess they couldnt afford to hire anyone else.
JR: That arrogance may cost Wolf, though!
And Morrigan charges him, wading in with a furious volley of stiff Muay Thai kicks and knife-edge chops!
Styles: Stiff!
Wolfs blocking as many as he can, but theyre so fast and furious that even his arms and legs are getting wounded trying to block them.
Lawler: Hell feel those in the morning!
He does let down his guard enough to take some chops on the chest - staggering him back as the crowd whoos on in appreciation!
Styles: Flair sucks! The Franchise rules!
JR: Ummm... a little out of date, Joey.
Morrigan with the onslaught continuing... goes for a forward mule kick, but Wolf catches her leg! The big guy gets a huge goofy grin on his face, having outsmarted his opponent... until she goes up, not with an enziguiri, but going VERTICAL, backflipping and SNAPPING Wolfs head backward with a vicious kick!
JR: Good gawdalmighty what a move!
Styles: Fantastic!
Lawler: What legs!
Styles: ...typical...
Wolf is down, and Morrigan goes for the cover...
1...
2...
and Wolf gets his shoulder up before the count of three!
JR: That could have done it right there!
Morrigan goes for another kick, and again, Wolf catches it - but this time, he dodges her attempts to take him down, and instead takes her down to the mat by the same right leg, putting her down on her stomach and locking in an ankle-lock!
Styles: Surprising move by Wolf...
Morrigan tries to break by lashing out with her other leg, kicking as best she can, but Wolf has his back to her, and manages to absorb the kicks while cinching up on the leg!
Lawler: Wolf cant take too much abuse, there.
Finally, he releases the ankle lock, and lets her back up to her feet... and then sweep-kicks her right ankle!
JR: Sylver Morrigan in a world of hurt here!
Morrigan goes down, and Wolf immediately drops a knee on her ankle! And now an elbow! Now hes got Morrigan turned again, on her stomach... going for another ankle lock submission on the injured right ankle! Morrigans in a lot of pain this time, but she keeps pulling, and for some reason, Wolf cant get the ankle lock properly locked in! He pulls her back toward him, able to do so because of the inordinate size advantage, and wraps his hands around her ankle and foot again, this time properly cinching on the ankle lock - and Morrigan contorts in pain!
Styles: If Wolfs killer instinct kicks in here, this could all be over!
She arches her back up, trying to somehow move her momentum around in order to get out of the hold - but Wolfs not letting go for the world!
JR: She can kick, she can scream, but hes not letting go!
However, Wolf is so big that he misjudged the size of the ring, and set up the hold a little too close to the ropes! Morrigan goes for them - and misses!
Lawler: Morrigan almost escaped from that one!
JR: No, King, we couldnt tell that. Thank you for pointing that out.
Wolf sees her go for it, and in a panic, pulls, trying to keep her from reaching! Shes scrambling on the mat, trying to get to the bottom rope, and hes trying to pull her back without losing his grip on the hold! But she gets the bottom rope - and then loses her grip, and lets go!
JR: So close!
Styles: But yet, so far!
The crowd is screaming for her, but Wolfs trying to pull her back - except that she gets one STIFF kick with her left leg in on Wolfs face, and hyperextends herself, grabbing the bottom rope with her left hand and holding on for dear life! The ref sees it, and orders the hold broken, to a HUGE pop from the crowd!
JR: Morrigan saves her shot at the ICW World Title with that one!
Styles: True enough, but you never know... momentum could shift at any point in this match.
Lawler: Isnt that true in any match?
Styles: Well... ummm...
Wolf is PISSED - he doesnt want to break the hold, and only does so on threat of disqualification by the referee!
JR: If Lone Wolf gets disqualified, Morrigan moves on to the next round! And he knows it!
Morrigan back to her feet, but holding onto the ropes so as to nurse her right ankle - and Wolf goes for it with a vengeance!
Lawler: Morrigan needs to do a better job of protecting herself!
Styles: Are you offering to help?
Lawler: Well, if she needs a big, strong man...
Styles: Shell look somewhere else.
JR: Both of you! I SERIOUSLY doubt shed be looking for something like that.
But she manages to pull herself out of the way, using the ropes, and holding herself in mid-air by holding onto the top rope with both arms, lashes out with her left foot - one, two, THREE stiff kicks to Wolfs face, the third snapping his head back and drawing blood from his mouth!
Lawler: Thats a bad taste in your mouth!
Wolf gets staggered back across the ring, to the opposite ropes, and pushes himself off of them, running toward Sylver at the other ropes - but she spins herself over the ropes to the apron, ducking as Wolf approaches. He hits the ropes chest-first, and goes backward - Sylver goes up to the top rope, springboarding, but comes off awkwardly, trying to use both legs on the rope!
Styles: Ooooh, thats sloppy.
JR: She just tried a springboard maneuver off the top rope with a bum ankle! You try that sometime!
Shes down on the mat, and Wolf moves in! Picks her up... spinebuster!
Lawler: A smart move, I suppose, by Wolf, going for power moves at this point.
Picks her up off the mat... Wolf Attack Rock Bottom! And he goes for the cover...
1...
2...
and Sylver kicks out!
JR: Sylvers still alive in this one, folks!
So, Wolf spins her over onto her stomach, and again goes for an ankle-lock on the injured right ankle, but she immediately scrambles as fast as she can away from that!
Styles: See? She can take care of herself.
JR: Yeah, because youre SUCH a liberated guy, Joey.
Wolf goes after her... and she manages to hit him again, this time from her back with a hard kick to his right knee!
Lawler: Shes gotta immobilize him like hes done to her!
He drops to his left knee, gripping his right knee in pain, and Sylver gets to her feet, unsteadily... sizes him up... and PLANTS him with a standing dropkick to the face!
Styles: NICE!
Wolf goes down, and down hard, on his back! And Sylver gets herself over to the turnbuckle!
JR: Sylvers taking a big risk at this point - she needs to be careful!
Picks herself up, sits on the top turnbuckle... and then, somehow, drags herself to the top, to a big pop from the crowd!
Lawler: This could be it!
Balances herself on top of the turnbuckle, balancing because of her right ankle... and she manages to jump! Frog splash on Wolf!
Styles: What a move!
And she hits it!
JR: This should do it!
The ref comes in...
Lawler: In for the cover!
leg is hooked...
1...
2...
3!
Winner by pinfall, Sylver Morrigan
JR: Morrigan takes it!
Lawler: More puppies!
Styles: But at what cost?
JR: Well just have to see what happens in the next round... when Morrigan faces off against efed legend Healius! Meanwhile, we have a legend of our own waiting backstage!
Jeff Watson: Evening, $hitf*ckers. How the hell are you? ICW is presenting some blasts from the past tonight. Im here to introduce them to you. Dumbasses. First up is from the Evolutionary Wrestling Alliance... which, lets be honest, I wasnt in enough, so it sucked. But this was a great match. From March 2001, a three-way for the EWA title. Myst versus Healius versus Archangel. Of course, it wouldnt be like that for the whole thing... so lets go to the videotape.
Myst v. Healius v. Archangel
EWA World Heavyweight Title
EWA Onslaught, 18 March 2001
Match starts with the three wrestlers in ring. Healius and Archangel into a lockup, Myst silent. Myst does nothing, nice exchange between Healius and Archie, until Archangel (who was heel at the time), SLAPS Myst! And Myst doesnt move! Now Myst starts taking some action, but Healius is still involved too... totally BONZO GONZO. As usual with three-ways, a couple near-falls ensue, with Archangel taking the clear heel role, with Myst and Healius as faces, more or less. Archie slams into Myst on the top turnbuckle at one point, sending him flying to the outside and taking him out for a while. Meanwhile, Archie and Healius go at it in ring, until Myst gets back up, and comes off the ropes with a springboard cross-body block, knocking all three down. Great spot. Healius and Myst start working together at that point against Archie, and start seriously laying into him. Possibly the spot of the match - Healius suplexes Archangel from the apron onto the Spanish Announce table, then Myst PLANTS him with a Downpour off the top turnbuckle. Thats when the magic starts with this match. Healius and Myst shake - remember, they were both faces at the time - and lock up. Myst with a standing moonsault out of a ring run, but Healius ducks it, but Myst still nails him with a superkick. Awesome. Fighting over the setup for the Healius Complexion, but Myst instead goes to the Eternal Pain. He cant get Healius to tap out, though, and Healius manages to land enough rights to Mysts head to break the hold. Great psychology, as the two are just targeting each other to wear them down. Crowds going nuts, of course. Finally, Healius gets Myst locked up, and hits the Enlightenment... for two. At that point, everyone thought it was over. But then Amalek came out. Myst had Healius in the Sharpshooter, but when he saw Amalek, he had some kind of attack or seizure or something. Healius tries the schoolboy... only gets two. Myst is still totally out of it, and its kinda frightening to watch. Healius hits the Enlightenment again... and this time, it gets the trey, to win him the EWA World Title. Youd think that would be the end of the match... but it isnt. First of all, amidst the post-match celebrations, Myst passes out. Everyones freaking out - except Amalek, who just comes down, and announces that he has a title match - right then. At that point, EWA TV went off the air - remember, this was a TV show, not a PPV. But somehow they managed to get overtime, so the match was shown in its entirety. Amalek comes in, and just starts kicking Healius ass from here to eternity. Of course, Healius was worn down, and worried about Myst, so you can see why things would be to Amaleks advantage. NO ONE is on Amaleks side at this point - no one, not the commentators, not the crowd, not even the wrestlers in back. If theres ever been a clearer heel/face delineation in a match, I havent seen it. And of course, everyone at home is freaking out, because the commentators are talking about the cavalry coming out... and no one knew if anyone would. Total edge of your seat. Amaleks selling nothing in sight, even when Healius gets bursts of strength, he cant stop Amalek. Healius makes one brief Superman comeback, fighting the good fight, but he cant stop Amalek. Amalek throws the ring steps into the ring, and continues to work over Healius, whos bleeding profusely by this point. End of the match comes when Amalek jacks Healius up in a powerbomb, goes to the top turnbuckle, and jumps off, powerbombing Healius onto the ring steps in the ring. He covers, and the ref rips the hearts out of everyone watching on TV and in the arena by counting the 1, 2, 3. Amalek wins the EWA World Title. Post-match is great as Amalek destroys everything in sight, including both commentators. Great match. Heel went over, but you just had to hate him... I mean, NO one was cheering for the heel. Great match.
"Disciple" hits, and out struts Amalek to a mixed reaction from the crowd, accomponied by the always lovely Cleo. Stopping for a moment to survey the crowd, he then continues toward the ring.
JR: Fans, we're back. And here comes the Franchise, the legend, the Beast himself, Amalek. The man who defined ICW itself throughout the year 2000.
Lawler: Cleo certainly is "definest" I've ever seen!
Styles: My God, that was awful. Where the hell is Mr. Soprano? Or even Petengi-nah, he's not that bad.
As Amalek enters the ring, "Disciple" yields to "A Place for my Head", as Ethan Prophet appears to a moderate crowd pop.
JR: Well, Ethan Prophet certainly is arrogant, but the fans seem to love him...what the hell is that?
Evidentally, on his way to the ring, Prophet made some sort of vulgar gesture toward Cleo, which will be remained unnamed. After all, this is prime time. Amalek, not taking very kindly to this, slides out of the ring, and starts pounding Prophet with body blows and shots to the face alike. As Prophet hunches over, Amalek follows up with massive forearms to the back of Prophet's head, before rolling him into the ring, as the bell sounds.
JR: Amalek can't be disqualified or counted out before the match starts!
Lawler: Countouts? DQs?
Styles: This is ICW, @#%$ for brains. Don't go Toddster on me.
Amalek climbs onto the apron, and enters the ring, and is met straight away with a shot to the gut from rising Prophet. Prophet, fully standing, delivers two straight rights to Amalek's jaw, only to have his fist CAUGHT, not blocked, mind you, CAUGHT by Amalek! Amalek tosses the fist aside and LEVELS Prophet with a clothesline, nearly flipping Prophet!
JR: God in Heaven, Amalek is tossing Prophet around like a flyweight!
Amalek sends Prophet to the near side with an Irish whip, and catches him on the way back with a viscious elbow the the face. Prophet drops like a rock, clutching his face, but Amalek is relentless. He stomps Prophet twice, and picks him up over his shoulder, and slams Prophet with a Kane-esqe move. Amalek then makes a lateral press cover. 1...
2-kick out at 2!
Styles: Once again, Amalek treats Prophet as if he were a 160 pound man, rather than a 260 pounder. But he's way too early for a cover.
Staying on the offensive, Amalek whips Prophet to the far side, a delivers a huge boot to the face, the kind of move that makes the crowd gasp. Standing over Prophet, Amalek looks out to the crowd
JR: Oh no
Lawler: He's not going to do this
Amalek hits the ropes, leaps, and lands the big leg drop across the throat of Prophet!
Styles: OH MY GAWD! That @#%$ sucked!
As Amalek stands, Prophet begins to fight back. He delivers multiple shots to the back of Amalek's knees, then hits a takedown, to a large pop! Springing up, he drops an elbow to the inside of Amalek's knee. Both are quickly back up, and Prophet catches a charging Amalek with a double leg takedown, then another shot to the knee!
JR: Before long Amalek's knee is going to be swollen to the size of a mason jar!
Still holding Amalek's leg apart, Prophet non-chalantly delivers a kick to Amalek's ummmmmidsection, to a pop.
Lawler: Well, we know one part of Amalek just swelled up to the size of mason jars!
As Amalek laments over his ravaged genitals, Prophet stomps him several times, then whips Amalek, catching him with a back body drop on the return. Amalek is quickly back to his feet,
but Prophet boots him in the stomach, and hits a DDT.
Styles: The whole ring shook after that move! And Amalek's skull absorbed the shock!
Ethan then stands over Amalek, and locks in a figure four!
JR: Figure Four Leg Lock! And as I was reminded earlier, this is no DQ, so Amalek can't
use the ropes! Ethan could have a quick upset!
Squirming in pain, Amalek struggles to flip Prophet, reversing the pressure.
Styles: It's gonna come down to a test of strength here!
Amalek nearly makes the flip, but Prophet manages to hold! Another attempt, Prophet still maintains the hold! But on the third try, Amalek flips over, reversing the submission! Prophet quickly releases the hold. Prophet is quickly back to his feet, but Amalek takes longer to stand, favoring his knee. Prophet goes for a big right hand, but Amalek ducks under, and after a quick go-behind, locks Prophet in an inverted facelock, lifts him, and delivers a reverse suplex! And because of the proximety to the ropes, Ethan flies over and lands on the outside!
Styles: OHMYGAWD
Lawler: Enough said!
Amalek seizes the advantage, and quickly slides outside. Stomping Prophet a few times to ensure that he stays grounded, Amalek chases the ring announcer off, and grabs his chair.
Lawler: Rut roh Ethan!
As Ethan begins to stir, Amalek wallops, yes, wallops him with the chair, dropping him right back down. He then delivers another shot across the back!
JR: Amalek telling Allah what he thinks of Mohhammed!
Lawler: What?
JR: Nevermind.
Amalek rolls Ethan's carcass back into the ring, and pulls him up. He scoops himTOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!
JR: Tombstone! If Pettengill were here, he'd be going nuts!
Styles: Ethan is finished!
But rather than going for the cover, Amalek seeks to inflict even more pain! He whips Prophet into the corner, and then sets him up on the top rope.
Styles: Time for the
Amalek positions Prophet on his shoulders, and delivers a crushing powerbomb!
JR: Fall From Grace!
Lawler: If you two can work out which one of you is the actual play by play man, give me a call.
Amalek smirks at Ethan's destroyed body, then pulls him up, locking in a Cobra Clu
Styles: The Call of Azrael! It's elementary now!
Amalek cinches on the submission, but as Ethan is unconcious, he doesn't tap immediately. After 10 seconds or so, the ref checks Ethanhe lifts his arm once
it falls once. He lifts it twice
It falls twice. He lifts it thrice
It falls for the third and final time (get it? Third and final time? Third and final beast?), and he calls for the bell.
Winner, by submission Amalek
JR: A valiant effort by Prophet, but Amalek was just too strong.
Lawler: Valiant effort? He got his ass kicked!
Styles: He had Amalek beat with the figure four!
JR: And what about the chair shots!
Lawler: Damnit, I'm illogical enough as is, I can't fend off attacks from two announcers!
JR: Well regardless, Amalek picks up the win over Ethan Prophet, and advances to the next round of the tournament!
Amalek heads to the back, as does Prophet.
Ross: Fans, let's talk about our next PPV, in January. It's THE INSANE RUMBLE! And it's finally got its own PPV event. More information will come,in the days to follow...
Styles: Another insane rumble. Imagine that.
JR: Its time for two of the greats!
High hats and a clean guitar as the lights go down... its Tri-State Conspiracy with Murder Fantasy! And right when the lead singer screams, GO! the pyro goes off, and theres Dan Hampton, to a big pop from the crowd! The lights come up, but he doesnt come down to the ring! In fact, he has a mic in hand!
Dan Hampton: GOOD EVENING, HAMPTON-O-HOLICS! Big pop. Now, I thought about coming down here alone to fight tonight... and then I figured, screw it! Ive got some friends in town, and Ill bring em with me! So ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... TENACIOUS D!!!
And the crowd EXPLODES as Jack Black and Kyle, Tenacious D, come out, wearing The Tonight Show With Dan Hampton t-shirts! Murder Fantasy kicks in again, as the three walk down to ringside, slapping hands with the fans!
Lawler: Ummm... whos Tenacious D?
Styles: Never mind. You wouldnt understand.
Lawler: Yeah I would!
Styles: No you wouldnt.
Jack Black and Kyle climb the ring barrier to their seats, and Hampton is in the ring... and Knockin On Heavens Door hits, to a sizable pop from the crowd!
JR: And here comes his opponent!
Hoya comes out, dark blue trunks with grey latticework, black boots, ALL business.
Lawler: Awww, Hoyas no fun.
JR: Sure he is.
Styles: Yeah, but JR. Your type of fun?...
Hoya slaps hands with the crowd on the way down to the ring, but doesnt play to the crowd or rock out the way Hampton did on the way down... all the way in, his eyes are focused on the ring, on Dan Hampton.
Styles: God almighty, he looks serious.
JR: This could be a big match.
Hoya into the ring, looks over at Dan Hampton, points a finger at him, and the ref calls for the bell, starting the fight.
Lawler: Here we go!
JR: This one could rock!
The two circle each other warily, looking for a first opportunity to strike. The two continue to circle, until Hoya looks at Dan, looks at the crowd, and walks to the middle of the ring, his hand outstretched.
JR: With his track record, would you shake Hoyas hand?
Lawler: Maybe...
Styles: But youre a jackass.
Hampton looks at it, looks to the crowd, then uneasily walks in, and shakes it. No tomfoolery from Hoya this time around.
JR: I have to say, Im surprised... but then again, this is a different Hoya from what we used to see.
Styles: Where would we have seen that, JR?
JR: Never mind.
After the two slap hands quickly, Hoya steps back, stretches his legs, then moves back in and stretches out his hands. Hampton takes them, and in a flash the two are chest to chest in a test of strength. Hampton is winning it at first, bending Hoya back, bending him quite far back as a matter of fact. But Hoya, almost so far back that his head is brushing against the mat, manages to pull himself back up to his feet, and the test of strength is again even.
JR: Nicely bridged.
The two break hands, circle each other again, then lock up in the middle of the ring - collar and elbow. The two vie for advantage, until Hoya manages to get it, and SNAPS Hampton over with a suplex.
Styles: Tight.
JR: So far, no surprises... very methodical on Hoyas part.
Lawler: Not to mention on Hamptons part.
No cover, though, and Hampton immediately kips back up to his feet. Back to the ropes, and comes off... going for the clothesline, but Hoya ducks it -
Styles: Good god, look at the speed!
Hampton across to the opposite ropes, comes off... this time Hoya manages to leapfrog over him, Hampton going underneath, and now Hoya heads to the ropes himself opposite Dan...
Lawler: I havent seen the two of them go at it this fast in I-dont-know-how-long!
the two come off, Hoya with an aerial clothesline, but Dan dodges that and nails Hoya with an elbow in mid-air!
Styles: Matrix-esque!
JR: Whats that?
The two are down on the mat, struggling for leverage, Hampton going for a pin on Hoya...
1...
2...
- but Hoya bridges out of the pin!
Lawler: That takes strength!
Hampton drops a double axe-handle on Hoya, breaking the bridge, and going for another cover...
1...
2...
and Hoya kicks out!
JR: You have to think that Hampton has the early advantage.
Styles: Well, I suppose so, but you also have to consider that Hoya could be lulling him into some false sense of security.
The two men back up... eyeing each other... and Hampton gets a big grin on his face. Looking at him... looking at himself... now Hoya gets a big grin on his face as well!
JR: Now whats all this about?
Lawler: I guarantee you, I have no idea.
Styles: This is weird... Ive never seen anything like this before.
Hoya whips Hampton into the ropes - Hampton grabs the ropes to prevent the ricochet! So Hoya charges... and Hampton FLIPS him over the top rope, going vertical to the outside!
JR: Great counter by Hampton!
Hampton turns... springboard off the top rope... SPRINGBOARD FROGSPLASH onto Hoya on the outside!
Lawler: WOW!
Styles: NICE!
On the outside, Dan holds Hoya up, face to face - and a headbutt!
JR: That could leave a mark!
Then Hoyas rolled back into the ring, as Hampton goes over to the commentary table! Grabs a house mic, and stands in front of the table, pointing to all the fans as they pop for him
Dan Hampton: You know, I just want to dedicate this match to all the Jonny and the Super Villains fans in the house tonight!! Big pop. Well be starting our big nationwide tour real soon, with Tenacious D - Points to Jack and Kyle, who give a big Mick Foley thumbs-up to the camera to another big pop So you all had better be out there to see us! jatsv.cjb.net -
but Dans interrupted as Hoya comes running across the ring... cartwheel... SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE ONTO HAMPTON!!!!!!
Styles: OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD!
Lawler: WHAT THE HOLY HELL WAS THAT?
JR: I DONT KNOW, BUT I LIKE IT!
THAT prompts a HOLY SH!T chant from the ICW fans, as its reshown in super slow motion! Hoya and Dan are both down on the outside... the ref starts a count...
Styles: Oh, come on, ref! Knock it off!
Hoya gets back into the ring as the ref stops the count... back to the opposite ropes... runs...
Lawler: No way!
PLANCHA THROUGH THE RING ROPES!
JR: Hoyas gone vertical more than weve seen in... well, I dont know, years! This is incredible!
Dans back down, but again, Hoya doesnt go for a cover! He gets a couple punches in, then picks Dan up, and rolls him into the ring!
Lawler: Why isnt Hoya jus going for the pin right now?
Styles: Good question - but hell, Im enjoying this match so far, so Im not complaining!
Hoya now in - and hes going to the top rope! Hampton down on the inside... Hoya to the top rope, and he gives the Superfly peace sign to the crowd!
JR: Shades of Dude Love!
He jumps - SHOOTING STAR PRESS OFF THE TOP ROPE!
Styles: NO WAY!
- but Hampton moves out of the way!
Lawler: If Hoya had hit that -
Styles: You have to believe that would have been the end.
Hoya comes down on the mat, hard, and stays down, as this time, Hampton runs over to the same turnbuckle - jumps to one rope -
JR: Hampton going vertical!
springboards to the second -
Lawler: Hes not done yet!
springboards to the third -
Styles: I know whats coming next!
TRIPLE JUMP CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH MOONSAULT!
JR: JESUS JIMINY CHRISTMAS!
And it connects on Hoya!
Styles: Thats gotta do it!
Cover...
ref in...
1...
2...
kick out!
Styles: How the HELL did he kick out of that?
JR: I dont know - but its going to take a lot to take either of these two gladiators out!
Both men back up - Hampton whips Hoya into the ropes - Hoya comes off, this time its Hampton leapfrogging Hoya, who goes again into the opposite ropes -
Styles: Again, the GOD DAMN SPEED!
Lawler: I agree, Joey!
JR: WHAT?
Lawler: Look, itll only last for this match.
Styles: As soon as this ones over, well hate each other again.
Lawler: And dont worry. We still hate you, JR.
JR: Good. Now I can sleep at nights.
Hoya comes off, while Hampton for some reason does a handstand in the middle of the ring to a big pop from the crowd - the reason becoming obvious when Hoya runs up and Hampton SNAPS him over with a standing rana!
Styles: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!
JR: A Christmas Story. Fantastic movie.
Hoya goes into the opposite ropes, and here goes Dan to the ropes again... coming off... baseball slide dropkick onto Hoya!
Styles: KAIENTAI D-X~~~~!
This knocks Hoya to the outside, in a heap, as Hampton stands up in the ring! Points to one side of the ring, which pops HUGE, then points to the other side, cupping his ear, and that side pops EVEN LOUDER! Cupping his hands, and Hampton has a statement to the crowd:
Hampton: SKATE-FU!!!!!!!
Styles: The FU is silent.
Now Hampton back to the ropes... comes off... across the ring... TOPE CON HILO over the top rope, landing on Hoya on the outside!
JR: My God! Theyre really letting it all hang out here!
Now Hampton rolls Hoya into the ring... goes for the cover...
1...
2...
Lawler: Hes got him!
and Hoya rolls it, getting the cover on Hampton!
1...
2...
Styles: Now HEs got him!
and Hampton rolls it again...
1...
2...
and it breaks! Both men to their feet - standing ovation from the crowd!
Styles: Yeah!
Lawler: Give it up!
The two men are grinning at each other, catching their breath for a moment - Hoya flips Hampton the finger, still smiling!
JR: See, look at that in the ring! Theyre actually having fun! Theyre actually enjoying themselves! Thats how its supposed to be!
Hampton flips the bird to Hoya as well, and the two lock up in mid ring - collar and elbow. Hoya goes for another snap suplex, but this time Hampton blocks it, and gets Hoya up in a suplex of his own - stalls him in mid-air, and brings him down HARD with a Jackhammer vertical suplex variant.
Styles: And Hampton takes a surprising power advantage.
Goes for the quick cover...
1...
and Hoya kicks out. Back up, and the two lock up again... this time Hoya takes it to Hamptons arm, wrenching it behind his back!
Lawler: And Hoya trying to take Hampton down a bit himself.
Hampton slaps his shoulder, ducks around, and manages to reverse, now wrenching on Hoyas arm! Hoya too slaps his shoulder... but instead of the usual reversal, drops down, and WHIPS Hampton across the ring with an armdrag!
JR: Again, a remarkable move!
Both men back up, squaring off... Hampton grabs Hoya... Hoya manages to reverse it to a german suplex hold... but Hampton breaks that... Kopfschuss wheelbarrow suplex!
Lawler: Thatll bob your uncle!
Hoyas down... and Hamptons going to the top again!
Styles: One more time! One more time!
Over to the turnbuckle - sign of the devil to the fans!
Styles: ROCK ON!
Jumps - SUMMER IN THE HAMPTONS PHOENIX SPLASH!!!
JR: This will finish it!
But Hoya moves out of the way! Hampton hits NOTHING but mat, and goes down hard!
Lawler: A costly mistake?
Styles: You have to think so.
As he starts to get to his feet, however unsteadily, Hoya kips up, and gets over to the other turnbuckle! Climbs it, and eyes his opponent!
JR: Going in for the kill!
Hampton is getting up to his feet, his back to Hoya, a bit woozy from that missed phoenix splash! As hes turning to face Hoya, Hoya jumps off the top turnbuckle - 3624!!!!
Styles: THE move!
And he hits it!!!!
Lawler: Thatll finish it!
Hampton is down! Hoya has the cover! Ref is in!
1...
2...
3!
Winner by pinfall, Hoyakillah
JR: What a match! Im exhauted!
Hoya gets up, his hand held up by the ref, as Hampton is still down hard on the mat. Hoya looks down at his opponent, rolling over, and offers him a hand up to a big pop from the crowd!
JR: Right on!
Styles: When youre going to do a spotfest... DO A SPOTFEST! Million billion stars.
Hampton gets to his feet, as Hoya points to him, then rolling under the ropes and heading to the back. Hampton, aided by the referee, follows.
Styles: Hey, King?
Lawler: Yeah, Joey?
Styles: Go f*ck yourself.
JR: I knew it wouldnt last. Next up, folks, Johnny Q. Public takes on Myst!
Lawler: Valiant effort? He got his ass kicked!
Styles: He had Amalek beat with the figure four!
JR: And what about the chair shots!
Lawler: Damnit, I'm illogical enough as is, I can't fend off attacks from two announcers!
JR: Well regardless, Amalek picks up the win over Ethan Prophet, and advances to the next round of the tournament!
Ross: Well, now there's a great match coming up here.
Styles: Yes, both Myst and QPublic have amazing wrestling skills
Ross: This ain't ballet.
Styles: as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by this cowboy hat wearing hillbilly, they both have contrasting styles, no relation. QPublic is quite capable of high flying and still keeping technically sound, very fluid on his feet, constantly moving, he is a sound fighter. Very discplined, and very atheletic. He can push himself farther than ever in the best shape of his life. He hates the undiscplined fighting style of hardcore matches. Meanwhile, Myst, on the other hand, thinks more about what he is going to do. The problem is, he doesn't care about hurting himself or his opponents, and no matter how long he thinks about that dangerous move, he will probably do it anyway. He is a combination of speed and method, determined yet distracted by his own desire to get people to feel the pain he feels.
Lawler: Who do you think you are? You don't have the right to call anybody a cowboy hat wearing hillbilly. Go back to your office, you little accountant prick. Oh, and nice match introductions. I see you finally learned how to read the cue cards. Hooked on phonics, worked for you!
"Timelessness" by Fear Factory hits as Myst walks out, wearing a black Jeff Hardy-type shirt and black pants. He steps into the ring, to a mixed reaction. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica hits as Johnny Q. Public walks to the ring, wearing all black, with a black trenchcoat, and black Rayban x-ray sunglasses.
Lawler: He was the only one who remembered to bring his x-ray sunglassesI left mine at home.
Styles: You make me sick.
Myst and QPublic lock arms, grappling for position. They stand, toe to toe, and grimace. Myst quickly uses his weight advantage to muscle QPublic to the ropes. QPublic breaks, and quickly grabs a choke-hold on Myst. Myst simply bats his hands away.
Ross: Too early in the contest to try something like that!
Myst shoves QPublic to the turnbuckle and rears back, viciously chopping his chest.
Lawler: WHOO! What a chop by Flair!
Ross: Huh?
Lawler: Oops, sorry, had a Pettingill moment!
Styles: A pedophile moment? We've come to expect that from you, you sick @#%$.
Lawler: What was that, you little bastard? Oh, you must be used to sitting across from that fathead bitch Gertner.
Styles : Fathead bitch? We don't have to bring your Mom into this.
Myst perches QPublic on the top turnbuckle. He goes for a suplex, but QPublic manages to reverse it into a hurricanrana!
: My God! What a frankensteiner by QPublic!
Styles: Where is Scott by the way Jer, with your Mom?
QPublic suddenly hops up, and mounts Myst. He wails away, with punches to the face.
Ref: 12345
Qpublic breaks, and legdrops him. He climbs to the top rope. He flies off, going for a frog splash, but Myst rolls out of the way. Qpublic hits the canvas hard.
Lawler: Ha, what a loser!
Styles: Just like you.
Lawler: Shut up.
Styles: Ooh, I'm scared! Big fat guy's gonna piledriver me!
Myst rolls over for a cover.
Ref: Onetwo
Qpublic scoots a shoulder up.
Ross: He kicked out! He kicked out!
Styles: Lawler's Mom wasn't kicking at all last night
Lawler: How would you know?
Styles: Because I was on top, dumbass.
Lawler: How? I was with her last night!
Styles: Oh, that explains it
Qpublic gets to his feet, staring Myst in the eye. He grabs Myst, and flings him to the ropes. On the way back, he catches him with a beautiful dropkick.
Ross: Shades of Double J Jeff Jarrett there!
Styles: Double J Jeff Jarrett? You mean the guy you got fired because of your homophobic obsession with Austin?
Ross: WHAT?!
Styles: Exactly.
Myst gets up, wobbly. Qpublic turns his back a moment to pose to the crowd, who respond with cheers. Myst gives him a stiff axe-handle shot to the back though, as the crowd gasps. Myst turns him around, a levels him with a superkick to the heart!
Lawler: The Call To Ashley! Qpublic's in trouble!
Styles: The Call To Ashley? I made a call to Ashley last night. That is your Mom's name, isn't it, Lawler?
Q falls in a heap, holding his chest and gasping. Myst adds a punch to the chest.
Lawler: Shades of Crush!
Styles: Yeah, I crushed your Mom last night
Qpublic gasps for air, as Myst climbs to the top rope. Qpublic falls
back as Myst flies off, doing a shooting star press into a frog splash as the crowd gasps in shock! It hits!
Lawler: This match is done!
Styles: Just like
Lawler: My Mom?
Styles: No, your life after even Missy Hyatt turned you down. Haha.
1...
2...
3!!!!
Winner by pinfall, Myst
Myst gets up, celebrating.
Ross: Well, Myst wins, and moves on to the next round, but you are a bunch of idiots!
Styles: So let's see...so far it's Amalek vs. Myst, and Hoya vs. Morrigan/Healius. Not a bad semifinal.
Lawler: Yeah, well...you eat too much Velveeta, Joey Styles. I can smell it on you.
Styles: You know what? F*ck you.
JR: And now its time for our final quarterfinal match. Amalek, Myst, and Hoyakillah have already advanced. Now, itll be either Healius or Sylver Morrigan, whoever wins this one, facing the Most Dangerous Man in Wrestling.
Styles: Hoya isnt the Most Dangerous Man in Wrestling.
JR: Who is?
Styles: Jerry Lawlers masseuse... oh, sorry, thats the most dangerous man in GAY WRESTLING.
Lawler: HEY, WHY DONT YOU -
Live! Sunday, December 30th 2001, from the (not yet)sold out Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania(home of ICW)...why the Mellon Arena? Well, it's small and mired in mismanagement...doesnt it remind you of LWN?
Well it should as Insane Championship Wrestling presents
LWN WinterWar!
And it will eminate from the snowy Pittsburgh, as ICW brings to you a LWN Pay-Per-View classic.
One Night Tournament:
There will be a one night tournament, at WinterWar!
The winner...to meet the ICW World Heavyweight Champion, Dave Dudley!
Here are the first round matchups:
Healius
vs.
Winner of Sylver Morrigan/Lone Wolf
Hoyakillah
vs.
Dan Hampton
Myst
vs.
Winner of Johnny Q Public/Calvin Seraphim
Amalek
vs.
Ethan Prophet
But that's not all! Not only will the winner meet Dave Dudley for the ICW Championship, but in the second part of our double main event, one of the first round losers will be selected to meet Dave Dudley for the LWN World HeavyPost Championship!
And thats...not...ALL!
There will be a GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL!
RIPOFF, YOU BETCHA! All of your favorite gimmicks from LWN spawned feds will participate in a over the top rope battle royal.
Could it get any better than this?
PROBABLY!!!!!!
Join us live for LWN WinterWar, it will be a hot time, in the cold town tonight.
Presented in Dudley-O-Vision
THE PPV: (WinterWar was written by Dave Dudley and Hoyakillah)
In the Winter of 1999, the LatestWrestlingNews federation held a Pay-Per-View event, entitled WinterWar. It featured matches, with the top LWN superstars. It was regarded as one of the better PPVs in that timeframe at LWN.
Around that time, Insane Championship Wrestling was going through some changes.
A young man named ScottiePP7 had just assumed ownership, and a young upstart named Dave Dudley had just signed with ICW.
This change in ICW, would change the efed wrestling world, in ways it's never seen before.
ICW Claimed the top spot of supremacy when LWN folded.
But, ICW lost that spot, and has had some rough times.
But now, ICW is back, and in a new direction...
And tonight they combine forces with great LWN Tradition, to bring back a Pay-Per-View Classic, updated, to fit the modern times.
Tonight, ICW reclaims it's top spot.
Tonight, Insane Championship Wrestling presents...
LWN WinterWar!!!!!!
CAN THE SAPPY INTRO!!!! "No One" by Cold plays, as The WinterWar graphic appears, as we see an inside shot of the Mellon arena, and it's jam packed as pyro goes off on the stage, and the camera pans around the crowd, showing off such signs as:
"I PAID TO SEE HEALIUS' A$$!"
"DAVE DUDLEY IS GOD"
"WERD BITCH DAVE DUDLEY LIKE A MOTHAFUCKA!"
"PROPHET WILL MAKE SOME PROFIT TONIGHT!"
"HEY, I GET IT."
"SCHLICKENMAIER CAN LICK MY MAIER!"
The camera cuts to the announce table:
Jim Ross: Welcome everyone, to LWN WINTERWAR 2001!
The camera cuts back to show all the crowd n stuff.
Jim Ross: Hello again, everybody I'm Good Ol' JR alongside my broadcast colleagues Joey Styles, and Jerry "The King" Lawler, and guys , what a great way to ring in the new year!
Joey Styles: That's right JR, tonight there will be a one night tournament, to see who wrestles Dave Dudley for the ICW World Heavyweight Championship, and one man will have to wrestle 4 times tonight, but someone COULD end up wrestling 5 times!
Jerry "The King" Lawler: That's right Joey with the inclusion of 2 play in matches, someone could indeed end up wrestling 5 times here tonight. And if that's not all, There's a efed gimmick battle royal, HAHA!
Ross: That's right, King, and also Dave Dudley has announced that a first round loser will meet him for the LWN Title!! More on that later, it's time for our first match!!! And folks, let me tell you, ICW is proud to say that for the first time ever, ICW brings to you a COMMERCIAL FREE PAY PER VIEW! (HAHA, SUCK IT ALL OF YOU WHO LIKE COMMERCIALS.)
"Blue Monday" by Orgy kicks in and out walks Calvin Seraphim to absolutely no crowd response!
JR: Fans, this isnt exactly the reaction we planned on kicking off ICW Presents LWN WinterWar, but this is our first match - Calvin Seraphim versus Johnny Q Public!
Seraphim down the aisle, slides into the ring and bounces off the rings, limbering up.
Styles: Calvin Seraphim out here, a fine wrestler with a strong technical background, as do so many of our prospects out here in ICW!
Lawler: Oh shut up you insolent slut!
Styles: Bastard!
Lawler: Pants-wearer!
JR: Do I have to separate you two?
Lawler: Youre already sitting between the two of us.
The opening strains of "For Whom The Bell Tolls" kicks in and out walks Johnny Q Public to an appreciative reaction from the crowd.
Lawler: Who would have thought that the ICW fans would take to Johnny Q Public? Hes a loser, isnt he?
JR: Well not exactly, but hes always been a favorite here!
Styles: Whatever.
Betraying no emotion as he slides into the ring Johnny Q stares down Calvin, and with the opening ring of the bell, he stands there and motions for Calvin to hit him.
Styles: A little cocky, isnt that?
Calvin wasting no time punches Q in the stomach, but Q no sells, and grabs Calvin, punching him once, sending him down to the ground hard
Lawler: Guess not... dumbass.
Calvin quickly hops up and the two lock up.
JR: Fans, you never know how these matches will go... they could be classics or they could be bowling shoe quality. Well just have to see!
Calvin with a quick neckbreaker, and Q goes down.
Lawler: Nice work from the newcomer.
Calvin keeps up the pressure and locks on an Ankle lock submission move but he breaks it off quickly, and pulls up Q.
Styles: Why the hell did he break the ankle lock?
JR: Maybe he didnt think it would do the job.
Lawler: Or maybe he thought of your mother naked, and was so horrified that he had to wash himself.
Seraphim sets up for a DDT but Q reverses, driving Calvin back into the mat.
JR: Nice counter from the ICW veteran.
Q picking up Seraphim, he whips Calvin into the ropes and goes for a clothesline but Calvin dodges, and counters with his own on the bounce back sending Q down but Q flips up quickly, and begins dancing around his arms in a fighting position.
JR: This is a different side of Johnny Q Public... almost exuberant.
Styles: I know. Just like me last night after bedding Stacy...
Lawler: SHUT UP, YOU!
Calvin doesn't know quite what to make of this, Q begins peppering Calvin with punches and dancing out of the way - Calvin is getting agitated.
Styles: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
Lawler: You glorified pencil pusher, who the hell do you think you are? Howard Cosell?
Styles: Well, his hair was realler than yours.
Lawler: Realler? Is that a word, or is that Stylese?
JR: If you two dont knock it off right now, Im turning this show off and driving you home!
Finally Seraphim grabs Q and with a quick back handed slap getting obligatory Whoo from the crowd Q stops.
JR: Beating some respect into him, King?
Lawler: I dont know, but I know one person who needs some respect beaten into him...
Styles: Your son, for being so ashamed of you he wont use your last name?
Lawler: I swear to God, Styles, all I need is...
Styles: Viagra?
JR: Back to the match?
Calvin quickly seizes Q and connects with a DDT, Q answers back with a quick leg sweep, and puts Calvin down.
JR: QPublic showing the value of experience...
Lawler: Something your wife knows about, Joey.
Styles: I dont have a wife, King. Is that your Alzheimers kicking in again?
Lawler: Oh, right, it was your sister. Youre right - but your husband was coming on to me all night, I had to beat him away with a stick!
Q then locks on a figure four and Seraphim thrashes in the middle of the ring.
JR: This could do it for Seraphim!
Styles: Whats the difference between Memphis and Afghanistan?
JR: I dont know, Joey. Whats the difference between Memphis and Afghanistan?
Styles: After Afghanistan was bombed, it was almost as ugly as Memphis.
Lawler: That joke sucked, Joey.
Styles: Just like you?
Lawler: No... wait... HEY!
The ref checking in. But Calvin doesn't quit. Calvin begins to turn and manages to counter with a figure four of his own using the ropes for extra leverage, Q is in agony.
JR: A fine reversal by Calvin Seraphim!
The ref checks in but Q doesn't quit slowly but surely he starts to turn it again, he does but he breaks the hold.
Styles: Isnt it your bedtime, King?
Lawler: What are you talking about?
Styles: Well, I thought an eight-year-old girls bedtime was usually 9 PM or so...
In the ring Q and Calvin have locked up again but Calvin is obviously weakened, Q with a quick scoop slam, and he follows that by picking up Calvin and executing a quick inverted atomic drop. Calvin gets up quickly still a little bit of fight left in him, he punches Q with a massive punch to the face.
Lawler: Nice punch by Seraphim.
JR: Agreed, King.
Styles: (in a high-pitched whine) Agreed, King... agreed, King...
Q staggers but doesn't fall, Calvin shrugs and punches again. Q again staggers but doesn't fall. Once more Calvin punches - this time Q stands a little more firmly, he gives Calvin the come get some motion.
JR: We always knew QPublic was a masochist, but this is ridiculous!
Styles: Speaking of masochists...
Lawler: KNOCK IT OFF!
Styles: What?
Again another punch, Q stands firm and no sells. Calvin goes for a punch again but Q grabs and twists the arm around Calvin's back and Calvin screams in pain. With a quick whip to the ropes Calvin is sent running - Q bounces off the ropes as well and starts to spin and his timing is such where he connects with a spinning heel kick squarely with Calvin's face.
JR: Thatll leave a mark!
Styles: King, how many of those did you take?
Lawler: In my day, quite a few, why?
Styles: Because no one, not even you, could be born as ugly as you are.
Q picks up a dazed Calvin and executes a quick swinging neckbreaker he quickly picks up Calvin and excutes a quick belly-to-belly suplex, and then he locks in a submission hold which looks like a Tazmission after a moment Calvin stops moving and looks like he has been knocked out.
Styles: I think that is The Disgrace.
Lawler: What insightful commentary, Joey!
JR: Fans, it looks like Johnny QPublic has the win here tonight!
The ref comes in, checks Seraphim out - and calls for the bell!
Winner by submission, Johnny Q Public!
JR: QPublic takes it!
Styles: Wanna take back that loser comment from earlier?
Lawler: You -
JR: Fans, as our first two competitors head to the back, lets look again at the breakdown of the upcoming matches. QPublic has advanced, and will face Myst in the next round. And the winner of our next match will face Healius in the next round! Its Lone Wolf against -
Lawler: PUPPIES!
Styles: Groan...
JR: (nonplussed) - Sylver Morrigan. You have to think Morrigan has the advantage coming in here.
Styles: Actually, JR, I have to disagree. Wolfs got a size advantage not to mention more time in-ring than Morrigan... I think he takes it here.
Bodies by Drowning Pool hits the speakers, and here comes Lone Wolf!
Lawler: Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor!
JR: Sigh...
Styles: Ummm... werent you fired when that song was being used by the WWF?
Silence from Lawler, as Lone Wolf walks down to the ring to a CHORUS of boos from the fans.
JR: Lone Wolf not the most popular man in the federation right now, and especially not when hes facing Sylver Morrigan!
Wolf in the ring, posing for his fans.
Styles: Pathetic competitors posing for non-existent fans... sound familiar, King?
Lawler: Yeah, it does. It sounds like ECW.
JR: And here comes his competitor!
As the opening to Sick of Life by Godsmack starts up, a dull roar blows through the crowd as the lights go out. When the purple spot comes on at the top of the ring, the roar gets louder, and louder... until a figure in a cloak walks out, at which point the crowd explodes!
Lawler: Its Morrigan, JR! Its Morrigan!
JR: I know, King, I know...
Morrigan comes out, at the top of the ramp, her cloak on... the pyro goes off as she whips it off, to a HUGE crowd pop!
Lawler: Take it off! Take it off!
Styles: Isnt she a little old for you?
Morrigan standing at the top of the ramp... and THERE SHE GOES!
JR: HERE WE GO!
Morrigan runs down to the ring at full speed, and jumps up to the apron, up to the top rope - springboards off with a short-arm clothesline, taking down Lone Wolf! Wolf goes down, and Morrigans straddling on top of him, pounding him with rights and lefts - but Wolf has the size advantage, and manages to push Morrigan off.
Lawler: I guaran-damn-tee you, if I was straddling Morrigan, I wouldnt get off.
Styles: You wouldnt be able to get up in the first place, so yes, youre right!
Back up to his feet, dusting himself off, Wolf looks across the ring to Morrigan, and points at her. Hes egging her on, Morpheus style!
JR: Weve seen a lot of what could be characterized as arrogance by the wrestlers so far tonight.
Styles: Well, this is an elite group. The best of the best. The creme de la creme.
Lawler: Then why didnt they hire a better third announcer?
Styles: Good question. They got me, they got JR, but I guess they couldnt afford to hire anyone else.
JR: That arrogance may cost Wolf, though!
And Morrigan charges him, wading in with a furious volley of stiff Muay Thai kicks and knife-edge chops!
Styles: Stiff!
Wolfs blocking as many as he can, but theyre so fast and furious that even his arms and legs are getting wounded trying to block them.
Lawler: Hell feel those in the morning!
He does let down his guard enough to take some chops on the chest - staggering him back as the crowd whoos on in appreciation!
Styles: Flair sucks! The Franchise rules!
JR: Ummm... a little out of date, Joey.
Morrigan with the onslaught continuing... goes for a forward mule kick, but Wolf catches her leg! The big guy gets a huge goofy grin on his face, having outsmarted his opponent... until she goes up, not with an enziguiri, but going VERTICAL, backflipping and SNAPPING Wolfs head backward with a vicious kick!
JR: Good gawdalmighty what a move!
Styles: Fantastic!
Lawler: What legs!
Styles: ...typical...
Wolf is down, and Morrigan goes for the cover...
1...
2...
and Wolf gets his shoulder up before the count of three!
JR: That could have done it right there!
Morrigan goes for another kick, and again, Wolf catches it - but this time, he dodges her attempts to take him down, and instead takes her down to the mat by the same right leg, putting her down on her stomach and locking in an ankle-lock!
Styles: Surprising move by Wolf...
Morrigan tries to break by lashing out with her other leg, kicking as best she can, but Wolf has his back to her, and manages to absorb the kicks while cinching up on the leg!
Lawler: Wolf cant take too much abuse, there.
Finally, he releases the ankle lock, and lets her back up to her feet... and then sweep-kicks her right ankle!
JR: Sylver Morrigan in a world of hurt here!
Morrigan goes down, and Wolf immediately drops a knee on her ankle! And now an elbow! Now hes got Morrigan turned again, on her stomach... going for another ankle lock submission on the injured right ankle! Morrigans in a lot of pain this time, but she keeps pulling, and for some reason, Wolf cant get the ankle lock properly locked in! He pulls her back toward him, able to do so because of the inordinate size advantage, and wraps his hands around her ankle and foot again, this time properly cinching on the ankle lock - and Morrigan contorts in pain!
Styles: If Wolfs killer instinct kicks in here, this could all be over!
She arches her back up, trying to somehow move her momentum around in order to get out of the hold - but Wolfs not letting go for the world!
JR: She can kick, she can scream, but hes not letting go!
However, Wolf is so big that he misjudged the size of the ring, and set up the hold a little too close to the ropes! Morrigan goes for them - and misses!
Lawler: Morrigan almost escaped from that one!
JR: No, King, we couldnt tell that. Thank you for pointing that out.
Wolf sees her go for it, and in a panic, pulls, trying to keep her from reaching! Shes scrambling on the mat, trying to get to the bottom rope, and hes trying to pull her back without losing his grip on the hold! But she gets the bottom rope - and then loses her grip, and lets go!
JR: So close!
Styles: But yet, so far!
The crowd is screaming for her, but Wolfs trying to pull her back - except that she gets one STIFF kick with her left leg in on Wolfs face, and hyperextends herself, grabbing the bottom rope with her left hand and holding on for dear life! The ref sees it, and orders the hold broken, to a HUGE pop from the crowd!
JR: Morrigan saves her shot at the ICW World Title with that one!
Styles: True enough, but you never know... momentum could shift at any point in this match.
Lawler: Isnt that true in any match?
Styles: Well... ummm...
Wolf is PISSED - he doesnt want to break the hold, and only does so on threat of disqualification by the referee!
JR: If Lone Wolf gets disqualified, Morrigan moves on to the next round! And he knows it!
Morrigan back to her feet, but holding onto the ropes so as to nurse her right ankle - and Wolf goes for it with a vengeance!
Lawler: Morrigan needs to do a better job of protecting herself!
Styles: Are you offering to help?
Lawler: Well, if she needs a big, strong man...
Styles: Shell look somewhere else.
JR: Both of you! I SERIOUSLY doubt shed be looking for something like that.
But she manages to pull herself out of the way, using the ropes, and holding herself in mid-air by holding onto the top rope with both arms, lashes out with her left foot - one, two, THREE stiff kicks to Wolfs face, the third snapping his head back and drawing blood from his mouth!
Lawler: Thats a bad taste in your mouth!
Wolf gets staggered back across the ring, to the opposite ropes, and pushes himself off of them, running toward Sylver at the other ropes - but she spins herself over the ropes to the apron, ducking as Wolf approaches. He hits the ropes chest-first, and goes backward - Sylver goes up to the top rope, springboarding, but comes off awkwardly, trying to use both legs on the rope!
Styles: Ooooh, thats sloppy.
JR: She just tried a springboard maneuver off the top rope with a bum ankle! You try that sometime!
Shes down on the mat, and Wolf moves in! Picks her up... spinebuster!
Lawler: A smart move, I suppose, by Wolf, going for power moves at this point.
Picks her up off the mat... Wolf Attack Rock Bottom! And he goes for the cover...
1...
2...
and Sylver kicks out!
JR: Sylvers still alive in this one, folks!
So, Wolf spins her over onto her stomach, and again goes for an ankle-lock on the injured right ankle, but she immediately scrambles as fast as she can away from that!
Styles: See? She can take care of herself.
JR: Yeah, because youre SUCH a liberated guy, Joey.
Wolf goes after her... and she manages to hit him again, this time from her back with a hard kick to his right knee!
Lawler: Shes gotta immobilize him like hes done to her!
He drops to his left knee, gripping his right knee in pain, and Sylver gets to her feet, unsteadily... sizes him up... and PLANTS him with a standing dropkick to the face!
Styles: NICE!
Wolf goes down, and down hard, on his back! And Sylver gets herself over to the turnbuckle!
JR: Sylvers taking a big risk at this point - she needs to be careful!
Picks herself up, sits on the top turnbuckle... and then, somehow, drags herself to the top, to a big pop from the crowd!
Lawler: This could be it!
Balances herself on top of the turnbuckle, balancing because of her right ankle... and she manages to jump! Frog splash on Wolf!
Styles: What a move!
And she hits it!
JR: This should do it!
The ref comes in...
Lawler: In for the cover!
leg is hooked...
1...
2...
3!
Winner by pinfall, Sylver Morrigan
JR: Morrigan takes it!
Lawler: More puppies!
Styles: But at what cost?
JR: Well just have to see what happens in the next round... when Morrigan faces off against efed legend Healius! Meanwhile, we have a legend of our own waiting backstage!
Jeff Watson: Evening, $hitf*ckers. How the hell are you? ICW is presenting some blasts from the past tonight. Im here to introduce them to you. Dumbasses. First up is from the Evolutionary Wrestling Alliance... which, lets be honest, I wasnt in enough, so it sucked. But this was a great match. From March 2001, a three-way for the EWA title. Myst versus Healius versus Archangel. Of course, it wouldnt be like that for the whole thing... so lets go to the videotape.
Myst v. Healius v. Archangel
EWA World Heavyweight Title
EWA Onslaught, 18 March 2001
Match starts with the three wrestlers in ring. Healius and Archangel into a lockup, Myst silent. Myst does nothing, nice exchange between Healius and Archie, until Archangel (who was heel at the time), SLAPS Myst! And Myst doesnt move! Now Myst starts taking some action, but Healius is still involved too... totally BONZO GONZO. As usual with three-ways, a couple near-falls ensue, with Archangel taking the clear heel role, with Myst and Healius as faces, more or less. Archie slams into Myst on the top turnbuckle at one point, sending him flying to the outside and taking him out for a while. Meanwhile, Archie and Healius go at it in ring, until Myst gets back up, and comes off the ropes with a springboard cross-body block, knocking all three down. Great spot. Healius and Myst start working together at that point against Archie, and start seriously laying into him. Possibly the spot of the match - Healius suplexes Archangel from the apron onto the Spanish Announce table, then Myst PLANTS him with a Downpour off the top turnbuckle. Thats when the magic starts with this match. Healius and Myst shake - remember, they were both faces at the time - and lock up. Myst with a standing moonsault out of a ring run, but Healius ducks it, but Myst still nails him with a superkick. Awesome. Fighting over the setup for the Healius Complexion, but Myst instead goes to the Eternal Pain. He cant get Healius to tap out, though, and Healius manages to land enough rights to Mysts head to break the hold. Great psychology, as the two are just targeting each other to wear them down. Crowds going nuts, of course. Finally, Healius gets Myst locked up, and hits the Enlightenment... for two. At that point, everyone thought it was over. But then Amalek came out. Myst had Healius in the Sharpshooter, but when he saw Amalek, he had some kind of attack or seizure or something. Healius tries the schoolboy... only gets two. Myst is still totally out of it, and its kinda frightening to watch. Healius hits the Enlightenment again... and this time, it gets the trey, to win him the EWA World Title. Youd think that would be the end of the match... but it isnt. First of all, amidst the post-match celebrations, Myst passes out. Everyones freaking out - except Amalek, who just comes down, and announces that he has a title match - right then. At that point, EWA TV went off the air - remember, this was a TV show, not a PPV. But somehow they managed to get overtime, so the match was shown in its entirety. Amalek comes in, and just starts kicking Healius ass from here to eternity. Of course, Healius was worn down, and worried about Myst, so you can see why things would be to Amaleks advantage. NO ONE is on Amaleks side at this point - no one, not the commentators, not the crowd, not even the wrestlers in back. If theres ever been a clearer heel/face delineation in a match, I havent seen it. And of course, everyone at home is freaking out, because the commentators are talking about the cavalry coming out... and no one knew if anyone would. Total edge of your seat. Amaleks selling nothing in sight, even when Healius gets bursts of strength, he cant stop Amalek. Healius makes one brief Superman comeback, fighting the good fight, but he cant stop Amalek. Amalek throws the ring steps into the ring, and continues to work over Healius, whos bleeding profusely by this point. End of the match comes when Amalek jacks Healius up in a powerbomb, goes to the top turnbuckle, and jumps off, powerbombing Healius onto the ring steps in the ring. He covers, and the ref rips the hearts out of everyone watching on TV and in the arena by counting the 1, 2, 3. Amalek wins the EWA World Title. Post-match is great as Amalek destroys everything in sight, including both commentators. Great match. Heel went over, but you just had to hate him... I mean, NO one was cheering for the heel. Great match.
"Disciple" hits, and out struts Amalek to a mixed reaction from the crowd, accomponied by the always lovely Cleo. Stopping for a moment to survey the crowd, he then continues toward the ring.
JR: Fans, we're back. And here comes the Franchise, the legend, the Beast himself, Amalek. The man who defined ICW itself throughout the year 2000.
Lawler: Cleo certainly is "definest" I've ever seen!
Styles: My God, that was awful. Where the hell is Mr. Soprano? Or even Petengi-nah, he's not that bad.
As Amalek enters the ring, "Disciple" yields to "A Place for my Head", as Ethan Prophet appears to a moderate crowd pop.
JR: Well, Ethan Prophet certainly is arrogant, but the fans seem to love him...what the hell is that?
Evidentally, on his way to the ring, Prophet made some sort of vulgar gesture toward Cleo, which will be remained unnamed. After all, this is prime time. Amalek, not taking very kindly to this, slides out of the ring, and starts pounding Prophet with body blows and shots to the face alike. As Prophet hunches over, Amalek follows up with massive forearms to the back of Prophet's head, before rolling him into the ring, as the bell sounds.
JR: Amalek can't be disqualified or counted out before the match starts!
Lawler: Countouts? DQs?
Styles: This is ICW, @#%$ for brains. Don't go Toddster on me.
Amalek climbs onto the apron, and enters the ring, and is met straight away with a shot to the gut from rising Prophet. Prophet, fully standing, delivers two straight rights to Amalek's jaw, only to have his fist CAUGHT, not blocked, mind you, CAUGHT by Amalek! Amalek tosses the fist aside and LEVELS Prophet with a clothesline, nearly flipping Prophet!
JR: God in Heaven, Amalek is tossing Prophet around like a flyweight!
Amalek sends Prophet to the near side with an Irish whip, and catches him on the way back with a viscious elbow the the face. Prophet drops like a rock, clutching his face, but Amalek is relentless. He stomps Prophet twice, and picks him up over his shoulder, and slams Prophet with a Kane-esqe move. Amalek then makes a lateral press cover. 1...
2-kick out at 2!
Styles: Once again, Amalek treats Prophet as if he were a 160 pound man, rather than a 260 pounder. But he's way too early for a cover.
Staying on the offensive, Amalek whips Prophet to the far side, a delivers a huge boot to the face, the kind of move that makes the crowd gasp. Standing over Prophet, Amalek looks out to the crowd
JR: Oh no
Lawler: He's not going to do this
Amalek hits the ropes, leaps, and lands the big leg drop across the throat of Prophet!
Styles: OH MY GAWD! That @#%$ sucked!
As Amalek stands, Prophet begins to fight back. He delivers multiple shots to the back of Amalek's knees, then hits a takedown, to a large pop! Springing up, he drops an elbow to the inside of Amalek's knee. Both are quickly back up, and Prophet catches a charging Amalek with a double leg takedown, then another shot to the knee!
JR: Before long Amalek's knee is going to be swollen to the size of a mason jar!
Still holding Amalek's leg apart, Prophet non-chalantly delivers a kick to Amalek's ummmmmidsection, to a pop.
Lawler: Well, we know one part of Amalek just swelled up to the size of mason jars!
As Amalek laments over his ravaged genitals, Prophet stomps him several times, then whips Amalek, catching him with a back body drop on the return. Amalek is quickly back to his feet,
but Prophet boots him in the stomach, and hits a DDT.
Styles: The whole ring shook after that move! And Amalek's skull absorbed the shock!
Ethan then stands over Amalek, and locks in a figure four!
JR: Figure Four Leg Lock! And as I was reminded earlier, this is no DQ, so Amalek can't
use the ropes! Ethan could have a quick upset!
Squirming in pain, Amalek struggles to flip Prophet, reversing the pressure.
Styles: It's gonna come down to a test of strength here!
Amalek nearly makes the flip, but Prophet manages to hold! Another attempt, Prophet still maintains the hold! But on the third try, Amalek flips over, reversing the submission! Prophet quickly releases the hold. Prophet is quickly back to his feet, but Amalek takes longer to stand, favoring his knee. Prophet goes for a big right hand, but Amalek ducks under, and after a quick go-behind, locks Prophet in an inverted facelock, lifts him, and delivers a reverse suplex! And because of the proximety to the ropes, Ethan flies over and lands on the outside!
Styles: OHMYGAWD
Lawler: Enough said!
Amalek seizes the advantage, and quickly slides outside. Stomping Prophet a few times to ensure that he stays grounded, Amalek chases the ring announcer off, and grabs his chair.
Lawler: Rut roh Ethan!
As Ethan begins to stir, Amalek wallops, yes, wallops him with the chair, dropping him right back down. He then delivers another shot across the back!
JR: Amalek telling Allah what he thinks of Mohhammed!
Lawler: What?
JR: Nevermind.
Amalek rolls Ethan's carcass back into the ring, and pulls him up. He scoops himTOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!
JR: Tombstone! If Pettengill were here, he'd be going nuts!
Styles: Ethan is finished!
But rather than going for the cover, Amalek seeks to inflict even more pain! He whips Prophet into the corner, and then sets him up on the top rope.
Styles: Time for the
Amalek positions Prophet on his shoulders, and delivers a crushing powerbomb!
JR: Fall From Grace!
Lawler: If you two can work out which one of you is the actual play by play man, give me a call.
Amalek smirks at Ethan's destroyed body, then pulls him up, locking in a Cobra Clu
Styles: The Call of Azrael! It's elementary now!
Amalek cinches on the submission, but as Ethan is unconcious, he doesn't tap immediately. After 10 seconds or so, the ref checks Ethanhe lifts his arm once
it falls once. He lifts it twice
It falls twice. He lifts it thrice
It falls for the third and final time (get it? Third and final time? Third and final beast?), and he calls for the bell.
Winner, by submission Amalek
JR: A valiant effort by Prophet, but Amalek was just too strong.
Lawler: Valiant effort? He got his ass kicked!
Styles: He had Amalek beat with the figure four!
JR: And what about the chair shots!
Lawler: Damnit, I'm illogical enough as is, I can't fend off attacks from two announcers!
JR: Well regardless, Amalek picks up the win over Ethan Prophet, and advances to the next round of the tournament!
Amalek heads to the back, as does Prophet.
Ross: Fans, let's talk about our next PPV, in January. It's THE INSANE RUMBLE! And it's finally got its own PPV event. More information will come,in the days to follow...
Styles: Another insane rumble. Imagine that.
JR: Its time for two of the greats!
High hats and a clean guitar as the lights go down... its Tri-State Conspiracy with Murder Fantasy! And right when the lead singer screams, GO! the pyro goes off, and theres Dan Hampton, to a big pop from the crowd! The lights come up, but he doesnt come down to the ring! In fact, he has a mic in hand!
Dan Hampton: GOOD EVENING, HAMPTON-O-HOLICS! Big pop. Now, I thought about coming down here alone to fight tonight... and then I figured, screw it! Ive got some friends in town, and Ill bring em with me! So ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... TENACIOUS D!!!
And the crowd EXPLODES as Jack Black and Kyle, Tenacious D, come out, wearing The Tonight Show With Dan Hampton t-shirts! Murder Fantasy kicks in again, as the three walk down to ringside, slapping hands with the fans!
Lawler: Ummm... whos Tenacious D?
Styles: Never mind. You wouldnt understand.
Lawler: Yeah I would!
Styles: No you wouldnt.
Jack Black and Kyle climb the ring barrier to their seats, and Hampton is in the ring... and Knockin On Heavens Door hits, to a sizable pop from the crowd!
JR: And here comes his opponent!
Hoya comes out, dark blue trunks with grey latticework, black boots, ALL business.
Lawler: Awww, Hoyas no fun.
JR: Sure he is.
Styles: Yeah, but JR. Your type of fun?...
Hoya slaps hands with the crowd on the way down to the ring, but doesnt play to the crowd or rock out the way Hampton did on the way down... all the way in, his eyes are focused on the ring, on Dan Hampton.
Styles: God almighty, he looks serious.
JR: This could be a big match.
Hoya into the ring, looks over at Dan Hampton, points a finger at him, and the ref calls for the bell, starting the fight.
Lawler: Here we go!
JR: This one could rock!
The two circle each other warily, looking for a first opportunity to strike. The two continue to circle, until Hoya looks at Dan, looks at the crowd, and walks to the middle of the ring, his hand outstretched.
JR: With his track record, would you shake Hoyas hand?
Lawler: Maybe...
Styles: But youre a jackass.
Hampton looks at it, looks to the crowd, then uneasily walks in, and shakes it. No tomfoolery from Hoya this time around.
JR: I have to say, Im surprised... but then again, this is a different Hoya from what we used to see.
Styles: Where would we have seen that, JR?
JR: Never mind.
After the two slap hands quickly, Hoya steps back, stretches his legs, then moves back in and stretches out his hands. Hampton takes them, and in a flash the two are chest to chest in a test of strength. Hampton is winning it at first, bending Hoya back, bending him quite far back as a matter of fact. But Hoya, almost so far back that his head is brushing against the mat, manages to pull himself back up to his feet, and the test of strength is again even.
JR: Nicely bridged.
The two break hands, circle each other again, then lock up in the middle of the ring - collar and elbow. The two vie for advantage, until Hoya manages to get it, and SNAPS Hampton over with a suplex.
Styles: Tight.
JR: So far, no surprises... very methodical on Hoyas part.
Lawler: Not to mention on Hamptons part.
No cover, though, and Hampton immediately kips back up to his feet. Back to the ropes, and comes off... going for the clothesline, but Hoya ducks it -
Styles: Good god, look at the speed!
Hampton across to the opposite ropes, comes off... this time Hoya manages to leapfrog over him, Hampton going underneath, and now Hoya heads to the ropes himself opposite Dan...
Lawler: I havent seen the two of them go at it this fast in I-dont-know-how-long!
the two come off, Hoya with an aerial clothesline, but Dan dodges that and nails Hoya with an elbow in mid-air!
Styles: Matrix-esque!
JR: Whats that?
The two are down on the mat, struggling for leverage, Hampton going for a pin on Hoya...
1...
2...
- but Hoya bridges out of the pin!
Lawler: That takes strength!
Hampton drops a double axe-handle on Hoya, breaking the bridge, and going for another cover...
1...
2...
and Hoya kicks out!
JR: You have to think that Hampton has the early advantage.
Styles: Well, I suppose so, but you also have to consider that Hoya could be lulling him into some false sense of security.
The two men back up... eyeing each other... and Hampton gets a big grin on his face. Looking at him... looking at himself... now Hoya gets a big grin on his face as well!
JR: Now whats all this about?
Lawler: I guarantee you, I have no idea.
Styles: This is weird... Ive never seen anything like this before.
Hoya whips Hampton into the ropes - Hampton grabs the ropes to prevent the ricochet! So Hoya charges... and Hampton FLIPS him over the top rope, going vertical to the outside!
JR: Great counter by Hampton!
Hampton turns... springboard off the top rope... SPRINGBOARD FROGSPLASH onto Hoya on the outside!
Lawler: WOW!
Styles: NICE!
On the outside, Dan holds Hoya up, face to face - and a headbutt!
JR: That could leave a mark!
Then Hoyas rolled back into the ring, as Hampton goes over to the commentary table! Grabs a house mic, and stands in front of the table, pointing to all the fans as they pop for him
Dan Hampton: You know, I just want to dedicate this match to all the Jonny and the Super Villains fans in the house tonight!! Big pop. Well be starting our big nationwide tour real soon, with Tenacious D - Points to Jack and Kyle, who give a big Mick Foley thumbs-up to the camera to another big pop So you all had better be out there to see us! jatsv.cjb.net -
but Dans interrupted as Hoya comes running across the ring... cartwheel... SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE ONTO HAMPTON!!!!!!
Styles: OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD!
Lawler: WHAT THE HOLY HELL WAS THAT?
JR: I DONT KNOW, BUT I LIKE IT!
THAT prompts a HOLY SH!T chant from the ICW fans, as its reshown in super slow motion! Hoya and Dan are both down on the outside... the ref starts a count...
Styles: Oh, come on, ref! Knock it off!
Hoya gets back into the ring as the ref stops the count... back to the opposite ropes... runs...
Lawler: No way!
PLANCHA THROUGH THE RING ROPES!
JR: Hoyas gone vertical more than weve seen in... well, I dont know, years! This is incredible!
Dans back down, but again, Hoya doesnt go for a cover! He gets a couple punches in, then picks Dan up, and rolls him into the ring!
Lawler: Why isnt Hoya jus going for the pin right now?
Styles: Good question - but hell, Im enjoying this match so far, so Im not complaining!
Hoya now in - and hes going to the top rope! Hampton down on the inside... Hoya to the top rope, and he gives the Superfly peace sign to the crowd!
JR: Shades of Dude Love!
He jumps - SHOOTING STAR PRESS OFF THE TOP ROPE!
Styles: NO WAY!
- but Hampton moves out of the way!
Lawler: If Hoya had hit that -
Styles: You have to believe that would have been the end.
Hoya comes down on the mat, hard, and stays down, as this time, Hampton runs over to the same turnbuckle - jumps to one rope -
JR: Hampton going vertical!
springboards to the second -
Lawler: Hes not done yet!
springboards to the third -
Styles: I know whats coming next!
TRIPLE JUMP CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH MOONSAULT!
JR: JESUS JIMINY CHRISTMAS!
And it connects on Hoya!
Styles: Thats gotta do it!
Cover...
ref in...
1...
2...
kick out!
Styles: How the HELL did he kick out of that?
JR: I dont know - but its going to take a lot to take either of these two gladiators out!
Both men back up - Hampton whips Hoya into the ropes - Hoya comes off, this time its Hampton leapfrogging Hoya, who goes again into the opposite ropes -
Styles: Again, the GOD DAMN SPEED!
Lawler: I agree, Joey!
JR: WHAT?
Lawler: Look, itll only last for this match.
Styles: As soon as this ones over, well hate each other again.
Lawler: And dont worry. We still hate you, JR.
JR: Good. Now I can sleep at nights.
Hoya comes off, while Hampton for some reason does a handstand in the middle of the ring to a big pop from the crowd - the reason becoming obvious when Hoya runs up and Hampton SNAPS him over with a standing rana!
Styles: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!
JR: A Christmas Story. Fantastic movie.
Hoya goes into the opposite ropes, and here goes Dan to the ropes again... coming off... baseball slide dropkick onto Hoya!
Styles: KAIENTAI D-X~~~~!
This knocks Hoya to the outside, in a heap, as Hampton stands up in the ring! Points to one side of the ring, which pops HUGE, then points to the other side, cupping his ear, and that side pops EVEN LOUDER! Cupping his hands, and Hampton has a statement to the crowd:
Hampton: SKATE-FU!!!!!!!
Styles: The FU is silent.
Now Hampton back to the ropes... comes off... across the ring... TOPE CON HILO over the top rope, landing on Hoya on the outside!
JR: My God! Theyre really letting it all hang out here!
Now Hampton rolls Hoya into the ring... goes for the cover...
1...
2...
Lawler: Hes got him!
and Hoya rolls it, getting the cover on Hampton!
1...
2...
Styles: Now HEs got him!
and Hampton rolls it again...
1...
2...
and it breaks! Both men to their feet - standing ovation from the crowd!
Styles: Yeah!
Lawler: Give it up!
The two men are grinning at each other, catching their breath for a moment - Hoya flips Hampton the finger, still smiling!
JR: See, look at that in the ring! Theyre actually having fun! Theyre actually enjoying themselves! Thats how its supposed to be!
Hampton flips the bird to Hoya as well, and the two lock up in mid ring - collar and elbow. Hoya goes for another snap suplex, but this time Hampton blocks it, and gets Hoya up in a suplex of his own - stalls him in mid-air, and brings him down HARD with a Jackhammer vertical suplex variant.
Styles: And Hampton takes a surprising power advantage.
Goes for the quick cover...
1...
and Hoya kicks out. Back up, and the two lock up again... this time Hoya takes it to Hamptons arm, wrenching it behind his back!
Lawler: And Hoya trying to take Hampton down a bit himself.
Hampton slaps his shoulder, ducks around, and manages to reverse, now wrenching on Hoyas arm! Hoya too slaps his shoulder... but instead of the usual reversal, drops down, and WHIPS Hampton across the ring with an armdrag!
JR: Again, a remarkable move!
Both men back up, squaring off... Hampton grabs Hoya... Hoya manages to reverse it to a german suplex hold... but Hampton breaks that... Kopfschuss wheelbarrow suplex!
Lawler: Thatll bob your uncle!
Hoyas down... and Hamptons going to the top again!
Styles: One more time! One more time!
Over to the turnbuckle - sign of the devil to the fans!
Styles: ROCK ON!
Jumps - SUMMER IN THE HAMPTONS PHOENIX SPLASH!!!
JR: This will finish it!
But Hoya moves out of the way! Hampton hits NOTHING but mat, and goes down hard!
Lawler: A costly mistake?
Styles: You have to think so.
As he starts to get to his feet, however unsteadily, Hoya kips up, and gets over to the other turnbuckle! Climbs it, and eyes his opponent!
JR: Going in for the kill!
Hampton is getting up to his feet, his back to Hoya, a bit woozy from that missed phoenix splash! As hes turning to face Hoya, Hoya jumps off the top turnbuckle - 3624!!!!
Styles: THE move!
And he hits it!!!!
Lawler: Thatll finish it!
Hampton is down! Hoya has the cover! Ref is in!
1...
2...
3!
Winner by pinfall, Hoyakillah
JR: What a match! Im exhauted!
Hoya gets up, his hand held up by the ref, as Hampton is still down hard on the mat. Hoya looks down at his opponent, rolling over, and offers him a hand up to a big pop from the crowd!
JR: Right on!
Styles: When youre going to do a spotfest... DO A SPOTFEST! Million billion stars.
Hampton gets to his feet, as Hoya points to him, then rolling under the ropes and heading to the back. Hampton, aided by the referee, follows.
Styles: Hey, King?
Lawler: Yeah, Joey?
Styles: Go f*ck yourself.
JR: I knew it wouldnt last. Next up, folks, Johnny Q. Public takes on Myst!
Lawler: Valiant effort? He got his ass kicked!
Styles: He had Amalek beat with the figure four!
JR: And what about the chair shots!
Lawler: Damnit, I'm illogical enough as is, I can't fend off attacks from two announcers!
JR: Well regardless, Amalek picks up the win over Ethan Prophet, and advances to the next round of the tournament!
Ross: Well, now there's a great match coming up here.
Styles: Yes, both Myst and QPublic have amazing wrestling skills
Ross: This ain't ballet.
Styles: as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by this cowboy hat wearing hillbilly, they both have contrasting styles, no relation. QPublic is quite capable of high flying and still keeping technically sound, very fluid on his feet, constantly moving, he is a sound fighter. Very discplined, and very atheletic. He can push himself farther than ever in the best shape of his life. He hates the undiscplined fighting style of hardcore matches. Meanwhile, Myst, on the other hand, thinks more about what he is going to do. The problem is, he doesn't care about hurting himself or his opponents, and no matter how long he thinks about that dangerous move, he will probably do it anyway. He is a combination of speed and method, determined yet distracted by his own desire to get people to feel the pain he feels.
Lawler: Who do you think you are? You don't have the right to call anybody a cowboy hat wearing hillbilly. Go back to your office, you little accountant prick. Oh, and nice match introductions. I see you finally learned how to read the cue cards. Hooked on phonics, worked for you!
"Timelessness" by Fear Factory hits as Myst walks out, wearing a black Jeff Hardy-type shirt and black pants. He steps into the ring, to a mixed reaction. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica hits as Johnny Q. Public walks to the ring, wearing all black, with a black trenchcoat, and black Rayban x-ray sunglasses.
Lawler: He was the only one who remembered to bring his x-ray sunglassesI left mine at home.
Styles: You make me sick.
Myst and QPublic lock arms, grappling for position. They stand, toe to toe, and grimace. Myst quickly uses his weight advantage to muscle QPublic to the ropes. QPublic breaks, and quickly grabs a choke-hold on Myst. Myst simply bats his hands away.
Ross: Too early in the contest to try something like that!
Myst shoves QPublic to the turnbuckle and rears back, viciously chopping his chest.
Lawler: WHOO! What a chop by Flair!
Ross: Huh?
Lawler: Oops, sorry, had a Pettingill moment!
Styles: A pedophile moment? We've come to expect that from you, you sick @#%$.
Lawler: What was that, you little bastard? Oh, you must be used to sitting across from that fathead bitch Gertner.
Styles : Fathead bitch? We don't have to bring your Mom into this.
Myst perches QPublic on the top turnbuckle. He goes for a suplex, but QPublic manages to reverse it into a hurricanrana!
: My God! What a frankensteiner by QPublic!
Styles: Where is Scott by the way Jer, with your Mom?
QPublic suddenly hops up, and mounts Myst. He wails away, with punches to the face.
Ref: 12345
Qpublic breaks, and legdrops him. He climbs to the top rope. He flies off, going for a frog splash, but Myst rolls out of the way. Qpublic hits the canvas hard.
Lawler: Ha, what a loser!
Styles: Just like you.
Lawler: Shut up.
Styles: Ooh, I'm scared! Big fat guy's gonna piledriver me!
Myst rolls over for a cover.
Ref: Onetwo
Qpublic scoots a shoulder up.
Ross: He kicked out! He kicked out!
Styles: Lawler's Mom wasn't kicking at all last night
Lawler: How would you know?
Styles: Because I was on top, dumbass.
Lawler: How? I was with her last night!
Styles: Oh, that explains it
Qpublic gets to his feet, staring Myst in the eye. He grabs Myst, and flings him to the ropes. On the way back, he catches him with a beautiful dropkick.
Ross: Shades of Double J Jeff Jarrett there!
Styles: Double J Jeff Jarrett? You mean the guy you got fired because of your homophobic obsession with Austin?
Ross: WHAT?!
Styles: Exactly.
Myst gets up, wobbly. Qpublic turns his back a moment to pose to the crowd, who respond with cheers. Myst gives him a stiff axe-handle shot to the back though, as the crowd gasps. Myst turns him around, a levels him with a superkick to the heart!
Lawler: The Call To Ashley! Qpublic's in trouble!
Styles: The Call To Ashley? I made a call to Ashley last night. That is your Mom's name, isn't it, Lawler?
Q falls in a heap, holding his chest and gasping. Myst adds a punch to the chest.
Lawler: Shades of Crush!
Styles: Yeah, I crushed your Mom last night
Qpublic gasps for air, as Myst climbs to the top rope. Qpublic falls
back as Myst flies off, doing a shooting star press into a frog splash as the crowd gasps in shock! It hits!
Lawler: This match is done!
Styles: Just like
Lawler: My Mom?
Styles: No, your life after even Missy Hyatt turned you down. Haha.
1...
2...
3!!!!
Winner by pinfall, Myst
Myst gets up, celebrating.
Ross: Well, Myst wins, and moves on to the next round, but you are a bunch of idiots!
Styles: So let's see...so far it's Amalek vs. Myst, and Hoya vs. Morrigan/Healius. Not a bad semifinal.
Lawler: Yeah, well...you eat too much Velveeta, Joey Styles. I can smell it on you.
Styles: You know what? F*ck you.
JR: And now its time for our final quarterfinal match. Amalek, Myst, and Hoyakillah have already advanced. Now, itll be either Healius or Sylver Morrigan, whoever wins this one, facing the Most Dangerous Man in Wrestling.
Styles: Hoya isnt the Most Dangerous Man in Wrestling.
JR: Who is?
Styles: Jerry Lawlers masseuse... oh, sorry, thats the most dangerous man in GAY WRESTLING.
Lawler: HEY, WHY DONT YOU -