Post by Dave Dangerously on Aug 4, 2008 15:56:31 GMT -6
"Spit" by Kittie plays. The ICW logo comes up, but it is X'D out by a stone pillar, and a wreath of olive leaves...
The camera cuts to inside the sold out ICW ARENA, IN PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA!
The fans go wild, as the pyro goes off in front of THE ORIGINAL SCOTTIETRON5000, BECAUSE THIS IS MONDAY NIGHT, AND THIS IS....
The fans are jam packed inside the original home of ICW, the ICW Arena.
Supa Sky: WUZUHHHH WUZUHHHHHHHH ICW FANS WELCOME TO SOME ICW FUCKIN MAYHEM!!!
Joel Gertner: That's right, Mr. Sky High. This is Monday Night and this is ICW Mayhem. And fans, I am THE QUINTESSENTIAL STUDMUFFIN, JOEL - EVERY TIME I COME TO PENNSYLVANIS, YOUR MOM HAS A SWOLLEN ANUS....GERTNER!
"Letting You" by Nine Inch Nails hits, and out comes The Most Dangerous Man in Wrestling, Dave Dangerously, alongside Lou E. Dangerously. Dave Dangerously comes out with a steel chair, as he runs down to the announcers area, and BLASTS JOEL GERTNER IN THE HEAD WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!!!!!!!! GERTNER IS DONE!!!!
SKY: WHAT THE FUDGE???
The Dangerouslys enter the ring. Lou E. Dangerously grabs the microphone.
Lou E. Dangerously: I always hated that gimmick.
The fans laugh
Lou E. Dangerously: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS...LET'S...GET...DANGEROUS!!!!
The fans cheer, Lou hands the microphone to Dave
SKY: We're definitely waiting to hear from Dave Dudley here. Or should I say, DANGEROUSLY!!!
Dave Dangerously: DANGEROUS? WE'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL, HERE IN PHILADELPHIA. Let's make sure we wear rubbers, yeah?
The fans boo, especially the women
Dave Dangerously: Hey now, come on. That wasn't necessarily directed at all of the whores out there, and, well, there ARE a lot of them. I was more talking about those buttfucking faggots that make up the majority of you all. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!
The fans boo, especially the gays
Dave Dangerously: Not that there's anything WRONG with that. Speaking of buttfucking faggots...
Lou E. Dangerously: Rocky?
Dave Dangerously: Nope.
Lou E. Dangerously: Ethan Prophet?
Dave Dangerously: Nope.
Lou E. Dangerously: ....man, if it's not Josh Thomas, who is it?
Dave Dangerously: Well, that guy totally is. But that's not who I was thinking of. I was thinking of MR. EMPEROR, HEALIUS HIMSELF.
the fans boo, but they still boo for the Dangerouslys
Dave Dangerously: But, I digress. You see, I can relate to him in many ways. You know, when I left ICW, I walked this path. This path of enlightenment. I went through a metamorphosis, a rebirth. And this new 'me', this "NEW ME" is more like the "classic me" than ever before. Gone are the days of conspiracy theories, gone are the days of being dragged down by the Twelve. GONE IS THE LEGACY OF DAVE DUDLEY, THE WHIPPING BOY OF ICW. IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY. A DANGEROUS DAY. And Healius? Healius Maximus, The Emperor? You've got issues, boy. You've got problems. In the head. I've got newfound motivation. You? You've got a one-way ticket to a padded cell.
Lou E. Dangerously: Romulus Maximii? You think you can throw a coup here in ICW? I had the ICW power, and you took it away from me. That's all well and fine. You made the first move. But if you think this game is OVER, you've got another thing coming. ME AND MY BROTHER HERE, WE ARE ICW. WE DEFINE ICW, AND WE DEFINE IT FOR A NEW AGE. THE AGE OF DANGEROUS. The DUDLEYS ARE NO MORE, just like I promised you. WE ARE DANGEROUS. AND WE ARE AN ALLIANCE.
Dave Dangerously: WE ARE THE DANGEROUS ALLIANCE. So Romulus Maximii, bring it on. Scottie two-face? Bring that shit on. And ICW, the time has come to pay restitution. I will use my VOICE. I will use my FIST. TO DESTROY EVERYTHING I CAN. NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW.
Lou E. Dangerously: OHHHHHHH TESTIFY!!!!!!!
Cut to backstage, where The Emperor, Healius Maximus sits high on a throne-like chair. The Gladiator, Centurius Maximus is at his side.
The Emperor: Hmm. Very distasteful. Yet, as I always say...
The Gladiator looks up
The Emperor: Everything is going according to plan.
SKY: WHOA!!!!!!! THIS SHIT IS WACKY!!!!!!!!!! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!!!!!!
Commercial break:
Back to live TV
SUPA SKY: WELCOME BACK TO MONDAY NIGHT MAYHEM BEEYOTCHES!!!!!! BROCTOON WOULD APPROVE OF THIS NEXT SHIT, THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH DAN FARRELL!
Huh?
Oh.
I mean, THE TONIGHT SHOW, WITH DAN HAMPTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE, AND TECHNICALLY IN COLOR...
THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH DAN HAMPTON!
The camera swoops in on a rabid audience and the standard Tonight Show set. Michael Cole sits on a couch next to Dan's desk, wearing an orange plaid suit.
It looks as awful as it sounds.
Dan comes out from behind the curtain stage left, waves to the crowd, and finally motions for them to settle down.
Dan: Alright, alright, calm down!
Audience: Whoo whoo whoo!
Dan: Aw, christ, they're doing the dog thing again. It's been almost 20 years since Arsenio, people!
Audience: Whoo whoo whoo!
Dan: Ugh. Well, we've got an awesome show tonight, no time for the monologue. Sib, play me to my desk!
Sib: Whole lotta love in the room tonight, boss.
Dan: Shut up and play me to my desk.
The Sib Hashian Seven play some generic AM rock as Dan walks over to his desk. He sits down, and immediately throws his cup of water on Michael Cole.
Dan: Mikey, I need more water before our first guest comes ou--
He's interrupted by the Sib Hashian Seven playing a loungified version of the Murphys' "Alcohol", and Lightning Bolt walks out with a monkey on a leash.
Dan: Thanks Mikey. Now I have to interview the crazy guy and his monkey with a parched mouth.
Michael Cole: Well, if you didn't throw--
He gets cut off by the glass that previously held Dan's water being thrown against his forehead. Instead of breaking, it hits with a large THUD and bounces to the ground, where the monkey picks it up and begins sniffing at it.
Lightning Bolt No, Clementine, no!
Dan: one eyebrow arched skeptically Your monkey is named Clementine?
LB: Yes.
Awkward silence.
Dan: stage whisperum...care to elaborate?
LB: No, no, I feel like I've said enough.
Dan: Well then. No better time than now to bring out our next guest...Genesis!
The Sib Hashian Seven plays a jazzy version of VNV Nation's "Genesis" as the moral turpitude of ICW walks out, and sits down on the couch opposite Lightning Bolt. Michael Cole sits in the middle.
Dan: Welcome, welcome. So, new friend, you've had some harsh words for the ICWites since arriving.
Genesis: This is true. ICW is on the same level as Gomorrah. Cheating, conniving, backstabbing--
Dan: I know the reasons Lone Wolf is an asshole, but can you tell me what really irks you?
Genesis is distracted by Clementine the monkey climbing onto his lap. He turns to LB with an irritated look on his face.
Genesis: Could you please tell your monkey to get off of me?
LB: I could tell him, but I don't think he'd listen.
The monkey starts hooting, then throws the glass he had been holding directly at Michael Cole's head. Again, it hits with a resounding THUD but does not break.
Dan: Fabulous. I think now would be a good time to bring out our last guest, Mr. Calvin Constantine!
The SH7 play an absolutely awful version of "Here I Come" by the Roots. Calvin Constantine walks out, looks disgustedly towards the band, then walks over to the stage. He pauses as he realizes the couch is full and there is nowhere else to sit. He looks at Dan, who immediately and decisively acts.
Dan: Mikey. Floor. Now.
Michael Cole slides onto the floor and sits indian-style in front of Dan's desk, as LB slides to his right and Calvin takes his position on the couch. The monkey starts picking through the hair of a dazed Michael Cole.
Dan: So, you made quite a return this week.
Calvin: Indeed.
Dan: ...I'll be honest, I didn't have a followup to that.
Calvin: I see...
Dan: You know, I was hoping you'd kind of...elaborate...on that...
Silence follows, broken only by the monkey slapping Michael Cole.
That sentence was so much fun to write.
Dan: So, uh, Dave's back.
Calvin: Yeah, yeah, pretty nuts.
LB: Pretty nuts indeed.
More awkward silence.
Dan: Well I guess now's as good a time as any to call it a day. Come back next time, when we'll do our best not to fill your lkives with dead air!
The Sib Hashian Seven plays the scene to black as everyone shifts uncomfortably in their seats, and Michael Cole tips over.
SKY: WOW WAS THAT CRAZY SHIT OR WHAT. WHAT?
"Battery" hits, and out comes The Hardcore Regime, Lone Wolf, Sylver Morrigan, Pyro, Helter Skelter, Seductress, and Really Crazy as the fans boo. Each member of the Regime is carrying steel chairs, except for Lone Wolf, who carries a black baseball bat. HS, Seductress, and RC set their chairs on the outside, and then proceed to leave the ringside area.
SKY: YUP, IT'S TIME FOR THE WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH NOW. THE HARDCORE REGIME IS USING SOME KIND OF FREEBIRD SHIT RULES OR SOMETHING. I GUESS IT MEANS THAT ALL THREE CAN COMPETE AS A TWO MAN TAG TEAM. WEIIIIID
LW, SM, and Pyro wait in the ring, as "Cyberwaste" hits, and out come Juggernaut and Mayhem, Damaged Ink. Juggernaut is carrying a strand of copper wire, and Mayhem is carrying a rather thick 2x4.
SKY: LOOK AT ALL THESE WEAPONS, SHIT. IT'S LIKE A FUCKIN EPISODE OF BATTLEBOTS.
"To Take The Black" hits, and out comes Johnny Q. Public and Fenyx Kayne, to applause from the fans. Neither man has a weapon, as they slowly enter the ring, and survey out the competition.
SKY: THE TELEPROMPTER TELLS ME TO SAY 3 OF THESE COMPETITORS WILL WRESTLE THURSDAY IN THE SECOND ROUND OF THE HAIL TO THE KING MATCH. VOD-KAAAAAAAA!!!!
Finally, "Duel of the Fates" hits the PA, and out come Romulus Maximii- The Emperor, Healius Maximus, and The Gladiator, Centurius Maximus. The fans boo immensely. The Emperor stops at the end of the stage, as the Gladiator hits the ring, IMMEDIATELY SPEARING PYRO, KNOCKING HIM OUT OF THE RING!!!!!!!
SKY: HEY WE'RE UNDERWAY HERE AND FUCKIN ROMANS!!!
The bell sounds, as Pyro and The Gladiator fall to the outside. In the ring, Juggernaut whips QPublic with the copper wire, busting QPublic's back open. Juggernaut whips QPublic into Mayhem's 2x4, and it breaks over QPublic's face.
Kayne goes straight for Morrigan, knocking the chair out of her hands. LW is there, though, as he cracks Kayne in the back with the baseball bat.
SKY: REF HAS LOST CONTROL OF THIS ONE!!!!! ITS ALL HARDCORE YO!
On the outside, Pyro gets up, and tries to charge The Gladiator, BUT THE GLADIATOR CATCHES HIM, LEVIATHAN SPINEBUSTER INTO THE STEEL STEPS!!!!!!!
The fans chant "HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!"
The Emperor nods in approval, as The Gladiator hulks out on the outside.
SKY: DAMN THIS IS CRAZY SHIT LOOK AT THIS NOW.
Mayhem lifts QPublic up on his shoulders, Juggernaut climbs the top rope and FLIES OFF WITH A CLOTHESLINE, AS QPUBLIC FALLS ALL THE WAY DOWN! THEY CALL IT LIGHTS OUT!!!!!!
Mayhem makes the cover on QPublic!!!!!!
1....
2....
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eliminated, Johnny Q. Public and Fenyx Kayne
Morrigan hits SOMEWHERE IN LONDON on Fenyx Kayne, throwing him to the outside.
SKY: WELL QPUBLIC AND KAYNE YOU SHOULDNT TRY TO BRING...UH...NOTHING TO A GUN FIGHT. OR WAIT A KNIFE FIGHT. POINT IS YOU BROUGHT NOTHING!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
Gladiator hits the ring, and GORE GORE GORES LONE WOLF...
BUT LONE WOLF STEPS OUT OF THE WAY, HE HITS MORRIGAN!!!!!!!
Gladiator gets up, WOLF WITH THE BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK!!!!!! WOLF DROPS THE BAT, JUGULAR CRUSH PEDIGREE TO GLADIATOR!!!!!!!!
Morrigan is down, and as Wolf is busy with Gladiator, Juggernaut and Mayhem with the double team, ENACT DEGREDATION ON MORRIGAN!!!!!!
SHE IS DOWN!!!!!!!!
SKY: WHAT THE FUCK CHUCK THIS IS WACKY WACKY.
Juggernaut makes the cover on Morrigan!
1...
2.......
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eliminated, Lone Wolf, Sylver Morrigan, and Pyro
Morrigan rolls out of the ring, as the referee orders Lone Wolf to leave the ring. He stomps on The Gladiator a few times, before obliging.
SKY: WE'RE DOWN TO TWO, COUNT-EM TWO TEAMS. ZIPPITY DO DAH!
Juggernaut and Mayhem begin the double team on The Gladiator, as the fans cheer for Damaged Ink.
The camera cuts to The Emperor, who disrobes on the stage, and runs into the ring.
SKY: HERE COMES HEALIUS!!!!!!!!!! MORE LIKE BOREAPHYLL!!!!!!
Healius Maximus hits the ring, and goes to work on Mayhem, he kicks him in the gut, and DROPS HIM WITH THE SAXA BOTTOM!!!!!!!
Juggernaut leaves The Gladiator alone, and runs to Healius, clubbing him in the back. Juggernaut whips The Emperor into the ropes, and attempts a clothesline, but The Emperor ducks.
SKY: WOW DIS GUY CAN WRESTLE, HE'S NO ZOMBIE. NOT THAT I THOUGHT HE WAS A ZOMBIE, IM JUST SAYING HE'S NOT, TO CLARIFY.
Healius Maximus ducks, and stops short. He turns around and as Juggernaut turns around, he hits THE ROMAN COLLAR on Juggernaut!!!!!!!
SKY: OH SNAP! VODKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Juggernaut hits hard, and immediately bounces straight up, as the shock of the move forces him to be dazed. He turns around into The Gladiator, who has gotten up, AND HITS HIM WITH THE GORE, GORE GORE ET TU!!!!!
Gladiator makes the cover!!!!
1.....
2......
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Winners, and NEW ICW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, Romulus Maximii!
"Duel of the Fates" plays, as the referee hands the belts to The Maximuses. Healius-Emperor-whatever you want to call him raises his in the air, but The Gladiator is definitely more hurt, and he barely holds onto his.
SKY: THEY TOLD ME TO PLAY THIS NOW SO HERE:
A recording of JR is heard
JR: NO! NO! NO! DAMNIT! DAMN THEM!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!
SKY: SWEET.
The Emperor and The Gladiator hold their belts up in victory. The camera cuts to the side, where the announce position is, and we see Joel Gertner still passed the fuck out, and SUPA SKY standing up, because from through the crowd has come ScottiePP7, ICW World Heavyweight Champion.
Upon approach, he points at The Maximuses as if to say "I'll get you." He speaks to Sky:
ScottiePP7: You know, with no real set BOSS around here, I figure I can do whatever the fuck I want. I mean, for one thing, I'm the ICW World Heavyweight Champion. And for another thing, I'M SCOTTIEPP7, DAMNIT!!!!!!!
The fans around boo
ScottiePP7: Mr. Super Sky, your performance tonight was...well...LACKLUSTER. And your face. It's all weird. What the fuck???
SCOTTIE YANKS OFF SKY'S MASK TO REVEAL...
TODD PETTENGILL???
ScottiePP7: What the FUCK??? YOU AGAIN?
Todd Pettengill: Yeah look I'm sorry, I was trying real hard to be like Supa Sky. Look, I even took this...
Pettengill produces a bottle of "SKY-HIGHLENOLâ„¢"
ScottiePP7: Where did you get that shit?
Todd Pettengill: It works real good, its made by a company called Cow Chemical...
ScottiePP7: Fuck cows and FUCK YOU TOO. IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF SCOTTIEPP7...
YOU'REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!
Pettengill in his Supa Sky costume hangs his head in shame, as the fans laugh at the Toddster.
Scottie holds up the ICW World Title, as the camera cuts back to the stage, where Romulus Maximii continues celebrating over their newly won tag team titles...
End transmission
JOIN US AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS, THAT'S RIGHT, TWO WEEKS, FOR MORE MONDAY NIGHT MAYHEM!!!!!!
(That's right, it's bi-weekly.)
.....FOR NOW-
The camera cuts to inside the sold out ICW ARENA, IN PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA!
The fans go wild, as the pyro goes off in front of THE ORIGINAL SCOTTIETRON5000, BECAUSE THIS IS MONDAY NIGHT, AND THIS IS....
MAYHEM!
The fans are jam packed inside the original home of ICW, the ICW Arena.
Supa Sky: WUZUHHHH WUZUHHHHHHHH ICW FANS WELCOME TO SOME ICW FUCKIN MAYHEM!!!
Joel Gertner: That's right, Mr. Sky High. This is Monday Night and this is ICW Mayhem. And fans, I am THE QUINTESSENTIAL STUDMUFFIN, JOEL - EVERY TIME I COME TO PENNSYLVANIS, YOUR MOM HAS A SWOLLEN ANUS....GERTNER!
"Letting You" by Nine Inch Nails hits, and out comes The Most Dangerous Man in Wrestling, Dave Dangerously, alongside Lou E. Dangerously. Dave Dangerously comes out with a steel chair, as he runs down to the announcers area, and BLASTS JOEL GERTNER IN THE HEAD WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!!!!!!!! GERTNER IS DONE!!!!
SKY: WHAT THE FUDGE???
The Dangerouslys enter the ring. Lou E. Dangerously grabs the microphone.
Lou E. Dangerously: I always hated that gimmick.
The fans laugh
Lou E. Dangerously: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS...LET'S...GET...DANGEROUS!!!!
The fans cheer, Lou hands the microphone to Dave
SKY: We're definitely waiting to hear from Dave Dudley here. Or should I say, DANGEROUSLY!!!
Dave Dangerously: DANGEROUS? WE'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL, HERE IN PHILADELPHIA. Let's make sure we wear rubbers, yeah?
The fans boo, especially the women
Dave Dangerously: Hey now, come on. That wasn't necessarily directed at all of the whores out there, and, well, there ARE a lot of them. I was more talking about those buttfucking faggots that make up the majority of you all. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!
The fans boo, especially the gays
Dave Dangerously: Not that there's anything WRONG with that. Speaking of buttfucking faggots...
Lou E. Dangerously: Rocky?
Dave Dangerously: Nope.
Lou E. Dangerously: Ethan Prophet?
Dave Dangerously: Nope.
Lou E. Dangerously: ....man, if it's not Josh Thomas, who is it?
Dave Dangerously: Well, that guy totally is. But that's not who I was thinking of. I was thinking of MR. EMPEROR, HEALIUS HIMSELF.
the fans boo, but they still boo for the Dangerouslys
Dave Dangerously: But, I digress. You see, I can relate to him in many ways. You know, when I left ICW, I walked this path. This path of enlightenment. I went through a metamorphosis, a rebirth. And this new 'me', this "NEW ME" is more like the "classic me" than ever before. Gone are the days of conspiracy theories, gone are the days of being dragged down by the Twelve. GONE IS THE LEGACY OF DAVE DUDLEY, THE WHIPPING BOY OF ICW. IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY. A DANGEROUS DAY. And Healius? Healius Maximus, The Emperor? You've got issues, boy. You've got problems. In the head. I've got newfound motivation. You? You've got a one-way ticket to a padded cell.
Lou E. Dangerously: Romulus Maximii? You think you can throw a coup here in ICW? I had the ICW power, and you took it away from me. That's all well and fine. You made the first move. But if you think this game is OVER, you've got another thing coming. ME AND MY BROTHER HERE, WE ARE ICW. WE DEFINE ICW, AND WE DEFINE IT FOR A NEW AGE. THE AGE OF DANGEROUS. The DUDLEYS ARE NO MORE, just like I promised you. WE ARE DANGEROUS. AND WE ARE AN ALLIANCE.
Dave Dangerously: WE ARE THE DANGEROUS ALLIANCE. So Romulus Maximii, bring it on. Scottie two-face? Bring that shit on. And ICW, the time has come to pay restitution. I will use my VOICE. I will use my FIST. TO DESTROY EVERYTHING I CAN. NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW.
Lou E. Dangerously: OHHHHHHH TESTIFY!!!!!!!
Cut to backstage, where The Emperor, Healius Maximus sits high on a throne-like chair. The Gladiator, Centurius Maximus is at his side.
The Emperor: Hmm. Very distasteful. Yet, as I always say...
The Gladiator looks up
The Emperor: Everything is going according to plan.
SKY: WHOA!!!!!!! THIS SHIT IS WACKY!!!!!!!!!! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!!!!!!
Commercial break:
On Thursday, August 21st.
Live, from the sold out Staples Center in Los Angeles, California
The Power Struggle in ICW reaches new heights.
In every battle, there are winners,
and there are losers.
And to each victory, there are consequences.
But sometimes, the consequences are well known, going into the battle.
And the results can be devastating.
And these consequences will be ever-lasting.
Because on this night, there is no draw finish.
On this night, there can only be winners and losers.
On this night, EVERYTHING is at stake.
And after this night, NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME...
Because on this night...
ICW issues a....
ULTIMATIUM.
Featuring the Hail to the King Final Round match
The ICW World Heavyweight Title
The ICW World Tag Team Titles
The ICW Name Your Own Championship
The ICW/EWA TransContinental/InterGlobal Championship
Live, from the sold out Staples Center in Los Angeles, California
The Power Struggle in ICW reaches new heights.
In every battle, there are winners,
and there are losers.
And to each victory, there are consequences.
But sometimes, the consequences are well known, going into the battle.
And the results can be devastating.
And these consequences will be ever-lasting.
Because on this night, there is no draw finish.
On this night, there can only be winners and losers.
On this night, EVERYTHING is at stake.
And after this night, NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME...
Because on this night...
ICW issues a....
ULTIMATIUM.
Featuring the Hail to the King Final Round match
The ICW World Heavyweight Title
The ICW World Tag Team Titles
The ICW Name Your Own Championship
The ICW/EWA TransContinental/InterGlobal Championship
Back to live TV
SUPA SKY: WELCOME BACK TO MONDAY NIGHT MAYHEM BEEYOTCHES!!!!!! BROCTOON WOULD APPROVE OF THIS NEXT SHIT, THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH DAN FARRELL!
Huh?
Oh.
I mean, THE TONIGHT SHOW, WITH DAN HAMPTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE, AND TECHNICALLY IN COLOR...
THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH DAN HAMPTON!
The camera swoops in on a rabid audience and the standard Tonight Show set. Michael Cole sits on a couch next to Dan's desk, wearing an orange plaid suit.
It looks as awful as it sounds.
Dan comes out from behind the curtain stage left, waves to the crowd, and finally motions for them to settle down.
Dan: Alright, alright, calm down!
Audience: Whoo whoo whoo!
Dan: Aw, christ, they're doing the dog thing again. It's been almost 20 years since Arsenio, people!
Audience: Whoo whoo whoo!
Dan: Ugh. Well, we've got an awesome show tonight, no time for the monologue. Sib, play me to my desk!
Sib: Whole lotta love in the room tonight, boss.
Dan: Shut up and play me to my desk.
The Sib Hashian Seven play some generic AM rock as Dan walks over to his desk. He sits down, and immediately throws his cup of water on Michael Cole.
Dan: Mikey, I need more water before our first guest comes ou--
He's interrupted by the Sib Hashian Seven playing a loungified version of the Murphys' "Alcohol", and Lightning Bolt walks out with a monkey on a leash.
Dan: Thanks Mikey. Now I have to interview the crazy guy and his monkey with a parched mouth.
Michael Cole: Well, if you didn't throw--
He gets cut off by the glass that previously held Dan's water being thrown against his forehead. Instead of breaking, it hits with a large THUD and bounces to the ground, where the monkey picks it up and begins sniffing at it.
Lightning Bolt No, Clementine, no!
Dan: one eyebrow arched skeptically Your monkey is named Clementine?
LB: Yes.
Awkward silence.
Dan: stage whisperum...care to elaborate?
LB: No, no, I feel like I've said enough.
Dan: Well then. No better time than now to bring out our next guest...Genesis!
The Sib Hashian Seven plays a jazzy version of VNV Nation's "Genesis" as the moral turpitude of ICW walks out, and sits down on the couch opposite Lightning Bolt. Michael Cole sits in the middle.
Dan: Welcome, welcome. So, new friend, you've had some harsh words for the ICWites since arriving.
Genesis: This is true. ICW is on the same level as Gomorrah. Cheating, conniving, backstabbing--
Dan: I know the reasons Lone Wolf is an asshole, but can you tell me what really irks you?
Genesis is distracted by Clementine the monkey climbing onto his lap. He turns to LB with an irritated look on his face.
Genesis: Could you please tell your monkey to get off of me?
LB: I could tell him, but I don't think he'd listen.
The monkey starts hooting, then throws the glass he had been holding directly at Michael Cole's head. Again, it hits with a resounding THUD but does not break.
Dan: Fabulous. I think now would be a good time to bring out our last guest, Mr. Calvin Constantine!
The SH7 play an absolutely awful version of "Here I Come" by the Roots. Calvin Constantine walks out, looks disgustedly towards the band, then walks over to the stage. He pauses as he realizes the couch is full and there is nowhere else to sit. He looks at Dan, who immediately and decisively acts.
Dan: Mikey. Floor. Now.
Michael Cole slides onto the floor and sits indian-style in front of Dan's desk, as LB slides to his right and Calvin takes his position on the couch. The monkey starts picking through the hair of a dazed Michael Cole.
Dan: So, you made quite a return this week.
Calvin: Indeed.
Dan: ...I'll be honest, I didn't have a followup to that.
Calvin: I see...
Dan: You know, I was hoping you'd kind of...elaborate...on that...
Silence follows, broken only by the monkey slapping Michael Cole.
That sentence was so much fun to write.
Dan: So, uh, Dave's back.
Calvin: Yeah, yeah, pretty nuts.
LB: Pretty nuts indeed.
More awkward silence.
Dan: Well I guess now's as good a time as any to call it a day. Come back next time, when we'll do our best not to fill your lkives with dead air!
The Sib Hashian Seven plays the scene to black as everyone shifts uncomfortably in their seats, and Michael Cole tips over.
SKY: WOW WAS THAT CRAZY SHIT OR WHAT. WHAT?
"Battery" hits, and out comes The Hardcore Regime, Lone Wolf, Sylver Morrigan, Pyro, Helter Skelter, Seductress, and Really Crazy as the fans boo. Each member of the Regime is carrying steel chairs, except for Lone Wolf, who carries a black baseball bat. HS, Seductress, and RC set their chairs on the outside, and then proceed to leave the ringside area.
SKY: YUP, IT'S TIME FOR THE WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH NOW. THE HARDCORE REGIME IS USING SOME KIND OF FREEBIRD SHIT RULES OR SOMETHING. I GUESS IT MEANS THAT ALL THREE CAN COMPETE AS A TWO MAN TAG TEAM. WEIIIIID
LW, SM, and Pyro wait in the ring, as "Cyberwaste" hits, and out come Juggernaut and Mayhem, Damaged Ink. Juggernaut is carrying a strand of copper wire, and Mayhem is carrying a rather thick 2x4.
SKY: LOOK AT ALL THESE WEAPONS, SHIT. IT'S LIKE A FUCKIN EPISODE OF BATTLEBOTS.
"To Take The Black" hits, and out comes Johnny Q. Public and Fenyx Kayne, to applause from the fans. Neither man has a weapon, as they slowly enter the ring, and survey out the competition.
SKY: THE TELEPROMPTER TELLS ME TO SAY 3 OF THESE COMPETITORS WILL WRESTLE THURSDAY IN THE SECOND ROUND OF THE HAIL TO THE KING MATCH. VOD-KAAAAAAAA!!!!
Finally, "Duel of the Fates" hits the PA, and out come Romulus Maximii- The Emperor, Healius Maximus, and The Gladiator, Centurius Maximus. The fans boo immensely. The Emperor stops at the end of the stage, as the Gladiator hits the ring, IMMEDIATELY SPEARING PYRO, KNOCKING HIM OUT OF THE RING!!!!!!!
SKY: HEY WE'RE UNDERWAY HERE AND FUCKIN ROMANS!!!
The bell sounds, as Pyro and The Gladiator fall to the outside. In the ring, Juggernaut whips QPublic with the copper wire, busting QPublic's back open. Juggernaut whips QPublic into Mayhem's 2x4, and it breaks over QPublic's face.
Kayne goes straight for Morrigan, knocking the chair out of her hands. LW is there, though, as he cracks Kayne in the back with the baseball bat.
SKY: REF HAS LOST CONTROL OF THIS ONE!!!!! ITS ALL HARDCORE YO!
On the outside, Pyro gets up, and tries to charge The Gladiator, BUT THE GLADIATOR CATCHES HIM, LEVIATHAN SPINEBUSTER INTO THE STEEL STEPS!!!!!!!
The fans chant "HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!"
The Emperor nods in approval, as The Gladiator hulks out on the outside.
SKY: DAMN THIS IS CRAZY SHIT LOOK AT THIS NOW.
Mayhem lifts QPublic up on his shoulders, Juggernaut climbs the top rope and FLIES OFF WITH A CLOTHESLINE, AS QPUBLIC FALLS ALL THE WAY DOWN! THEY CALL IT LIGHTS OUT!!!!!!
Mayhem makes the cover on QPublic!!!!!!
1....
2....
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eliminated, Johnny Q. Public and Fenyx Kayne
Morrigan hits SOMEWHERE IN LONDON on Fenyx Kayne, throwing him to the outside.
SKY: WELL QPUBLIC AND KAYNE YOU SHOULDNT TRY TO BRING...UH...NOTHING TO A GUN FIGHT. OR WAIT A KNIFE FIGHT. POINT IS YOU BROUGHT NOTHING!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
Gladiator hits the ring, and GORE GORE GORES LONE WOLF...
BUT LONE WOLF STEPS OUT OF THE WAY, HE HITS MORRIGAN!!!!!!!
Gladiator gets up, WOLF WITH THE BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK!!!!!! WOLF DROPS THE BAT, JUGULAR CRUSH PEDIGREE TO GLADIATOR!!!!!!!!
Morrigan is down, and as Wolf is busy with Gladiator, Juggernaut and Mayhem with the double team, ENACT DEGREDATION ON MORRIGAN!!!!!!
SHE IS DOWN!!!!!!!!
SKY: WHAT THE FUCK CHUCK THIS IS WACKY WACKY.
Juggernaut makes the cover on Morrigan!
1...
2.......
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eliminated, Lone Wolf, Sylver Morrigan, and Pyro
Morrigan rolls out of the ring, as the referee orders Lone Wolf to leave the ring. He stomps on The Gladiator a few times, before obliging.
SKY: WE'RE DOWN TO TWO, COUNT-EM TWO TEAMS. ZIPPITY DO DAH!
Juggernaut and Mayhem begin the double team on The Gladiator, as the fans cheer for Damaged Ink.
The camera cuts to The Emperor, who disrobes on the stage, and runs into the ring.
SKY: HERE COMES HEALIUS!!!!!!!!!! MORE LIKE BOREAPHYLL!!!!!!
Healius Maximus hits the ring, and goes to work on Mayhem, he kicks him in the gut, and DROPS HIM WITH THE SAXA BOTTOM!!!!!!!
Juggernaut leaves The Gladiator alone, and runs to Healius, clubbing him in the back. Juggernaut whips The Emperor into the ropes, and attempts a clothesline, but The Emperor ducks.
SKY: WOW DIS GUY CAN WRESTLE, HE'S NO ZOMBIE. NOT THAT I THOUGHT HE WAS A ZOMBIE, IM JUST SAYING HE'S NOT, TO CLARIFY.
Healius Maximus ducks, and stops short. He turns around and as Juggernaut turns around, he hits THE ROMAN COLLAR on Juggernaut!!!!!!!
SKY: OH SNAP! VODKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Juggernaut hits hard, and immediately bounces straight up, as the shock of the move forces him to be dazed. He turns around into The Gladiator, who has gotten up, AND HITS HIM WITH THE GORE, GORE GORE ET TU!!!!!
Gladiator makes the cover!!!!
1.....
2......
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Winners, and NEW ICW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, Romulus Maximii!
"Duel of the Fates" plays, as the referee hands the belts to The Maximuses. Healius-Emperor-whatever you want to call him raises his in the air, but The Gladiator is definitely more hurt, and he barely holds onto his.
SKY: THEY TOLD ME TO PLAY THIS NOW SO HERE:
A recording of JR is heard
JR: NO! NO! NO! DAMNIT! DAMN THEM!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!
SKY: SWEET.
The Emperor and The Gladiator hold their belts up in victory. The camera cuts to the side, where the announce position is, and we see Joel Gertner still passed the fuck out, and SUPA SKY standing up, because from through the crowd has come ScottiePP7, ICW World Heavyweight Champion.
Upon approach, he points at The Maximuses as if to say "I'll get you." He speaks to Sky:
ScottiePP7: You know, with no real set BOSS around here, I figure I can do whatever the fuck I want. I mean, for one thing, I'm the ICW World Heavyweight Champion. And for another thing, I'M SCOTTIEPP7, DAMNIT!!!!!!!
The fans around boo
ScottiePP7: Mr. Super Sky, your performance tonight was...well...LACKLUSTER. And your face. It's all weird. What the fuck???
SCOTTIE YANKS OFF SKY'S MASK TO REVEAL...
TODD PETTENGILL???
ScottiePP7: What the FUCK??? YOU AGAIN?
Todd Pettengill: Yeah look I'm sorry, I was trying real hard to be like Supa Sky. Look, I even took this...
Pettengill produces a bottle of "SKY-HIGHLENOLâ„¢"
ScottiePP7: Where did you get that shit?
Todd Pettengill: It works real good, its made by a company called Cow Chemical...
ScottiePP7: Fuck cows and FUCK YOU TOO. IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF SCOTTIEPP7...
YOU'REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!
Pettengill in his Supa Sky costume hangs his head in shame, as the fans laugh at the Toddster.
Scottie holds up the ICW World Title, as the camera cuts back to the stage, where Romulus Maximii continues celebrating over their newly won tag team titles...
End transmission
JOIN US AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS, THAT'S RIGHT, TWO WEEKS, FOR MORE MONDAY NIGHT MAYHEM!!!!!!
(That's right, it's bi-weekly.)
.....FOR NOW-